P U S H (part 3)

Things started to become confusing for me in the past couple of weeks now. For a while EvenStar and I had this once a week thing, until things came to a halt... and got confusing. I am still not getting a definite signal out of her so far... I think The Gambler said it best, I gotta know how to pick up the signs and move on...
I think I am giving myself till the end of the year here and preparing myself to bet it all in on one hand.
If I win, so be it... If not, so be it...

P U S H (part 2)

Saturday, Dec 13th 2008...
I was really unhappy with the way Sergeant H was conducting practice with me that day. Not only he had injured me with his supposedly favourit strike, but he also kept me going and didn't stop until I had indication of a leg cramp, even though he knew I was injured. My right fore arm was swollen from him hitting me three times on the same unprotected area of my arm. I would have been fine about it on a regular day, but it was tournament day on Sunday!! I wasn't even planning to go practice that day. I went because God of Thunder persuaded me to come for a lite training before the tournament. Instead, Sergeant H decided to show up late... well you all know the rest. It's safe to say that I will perhaps avoid practicing with Sergeant H in the near future.
I had hoped that the Chinese ointment I had at home would suffice to cure my swollen fore arm, at least enough for me to fight on the next day.

On Tournament Day,
I noticed that only Speed Demon was in the opposite site of my bracket. Meaning I would have to only fight him if we were to reach the semi finals. Both God of Thunder and White Squire were on the other bracket. Not having to fight my strongest rivals until the semi finals, I was a bit relaxed. All I had to do was focus on one match at the time and not slip up... Little did I know...
The competition level was especially high that day. Both Speed Demon and God of Thunder were victims of unprecedented upsets. While I didn't get knocked out, everyone seems to be fighting especially hard and gunning for us that day. I got scored on in 3 out of my 4 matches. Meaning I had to come from 1 point behind to eventually win the match 2-1, two of which had to go to over time. From what I recall I fell down on the floor twice at least, but I didn't let up, I kept pushing and weathering the blows to stand up and fight again. In the semis, again I had was down one point and had to go trough over time. The guy was on fire and just wouldn't quit no matter what I threw at him. I had to resort to my size as a last resort and push the him to create an opening and scored. Afterwards, as a joke I called this move my Force Push... That was my toughest match of the day before finally, I had to face White Squire in the finals...
White Squire is a 25 year old guy, no job, dropped out of school... Basically he decided he would just totally dedicate his time and effort to do only Kendo. He trains 7 days a week in Bandung and has always been strong and fast. He's only lacking... is tactics and wits... Luckily for me, I knew this all along.
Even though I was fighting it safe and keeping my distance. I had to gamble to score a point, instead I was scored on first. Even though I slipped and fell down and had to go through over time, I kept my cool and my tactics from the start. I wasn't sure what happened on the last point, all I remembered was I think I scored first and the judged raised my flags.
Looking back, I wasn't really fighting my best fights... in fact I was probably quite careless a few times, since I got scored on first a lot. Perhaps being scored on served as my wake up call to not let up and keep up the intensity. There were a few times when I thought I had lost the match, but I persevered... maybe it was just my day.
To this day, I am the only person in Indonesia who have won the national tournament twice. I won it in Dec 2006, lost in the semis in Dec 2007 due to my back injury...

P U S H (part 1)

First of all, I would like to apologize to all my friends for being late again. It's the end of the year, work is especially busy with all the budget meetings, balance sheet adjustment and tax calculating. I was also having a bit of a writer's block for a while there, it basically still there, I just thought of a cool title to start with for one.
As far as I recall, in the recent years at least, I have always had to 'fight' for the things that I want, and I stress, " for the things that I want ". Sure, you come across some things that are sort of there just because or given to you by someone, but for some reasons, more often than not those were not the things I was looking for either.
Confused yet? It's not that deep, really... Basically, I only want things that I truly desire... Other things, I don't really care for. However, it seems that I had to fight quite harder to get the things that I really want, and the result don't always go my way.
Noodle King once told me that he thinks I am one of those people that desires things I can't get. I gave a lot of thought to that statement and I found that it is only partially true. The truth is I do only want a few things in life, things that I really do care for... I don't want things that are there just because they are available. Once I got the things I fought for, I will care for them and cherish them. At least those are the tendencies I found thus far.
In fact, the topics this week has something to do with my push mentality...

Eye of the Tiger

With the upcoming December Indonesian tournament in the horizon, I couldn't be less excited about it.
Mr. SMura on the other hand, seems to be inexplicably overtly excited about it. He even handed me the 'responsibility' to make sure each team members attend practice to train for the upcoming tournament.
I feel that all his 'excitement' is rather unwarranted for. First of all, this is merely one of the many tournaments we have, we've done it many times in the past and the participants are mostly the same. He even told me that I should give myself the target of being the champion this year, which I've already done in Dec 2006 and I have always been a contender and a regular face in the semi-finals round. Even when I was injured last year!!
First of all, most of the Jakarta members are pretty much up there in the age department. Most of the main team members are married, have steady jobs and pretty much busy. Due to the unstable economic situation here in Indonesia, many of us, including myself, have to travel outside of Jakarta on a regular basis for work. Kendo is becoming more and more of an after thought. While it's still not "something we used to do", it's steadily becoming "something we do occassionally".
I do miss my old team mates, instead I've been trying to help with the trainings of the new padawans, but still the feeling ain't the same.
While my own training it's taking a comfortable course right now, I don't feel the 'hunger' I felt before... even last year.
I had a session with Mr. KKawa last sunday, even though I was able to score a few times on him. He told me that my timing is just 'slightly' off and I need more work. I actually whole heartedly agree with him. I've been performing just OK these days, I can score my own share of openings, however I am not experiencing any major breakthrough as well.
Perhaps it's the taxing years that started to takes it's tolls on me, perhaps the lack of support and competition from my team mates. On the rare occasion when people such as Speed Demon, Jive Tongue, Dark Knight or even Master Djedi show up, they don't even look like their old selves no more. If I think my Kendo has degraded, I should feel better about myself looking at them... These days, it's basically only me and God of Thunder who shows up regularly. Although, I am kinda excited to fight God of Thunder with his new left handed hammer jodan...
Mr. SMura stressed the fact that I should be ready to face other competitors from Bandung, etc... At this point, I've done anything I can... I've wrote emails, etc but minimal result. If Mr. SMura isn't happy about this, he can just go and S*CK IT!

You Know You're a...

You know you're a geek when :

You know all along that Kiera Knightley was in Star Wars Episode 1 : Phantom Menace as one of Queen Amidala's handmaiden / body double

OR

You're excited to learn that Kiera Knightley was INDEED in Star Wars Episode 1 : Phantom Menace as one of Queen Amidala's handmaiden / body double

OR

You even know who Queen Amidala is, why she needs handmaiden / body double...


Sadly, I am guilty of more than one of the above charges...

These are one of things I come up with when working in Sumatra.

Kendo Bonanza

Oh, my sister just had a baby girl yesterday...
Anyways, it seems like I have beginning to get into the 'zone' in the workout and Kendo department. I have been feeling healthy and have the time to train and work out semi regularly now. Mr. SMura though have been putting on the pressure for us to train as hard and often as possible, with an Indo tournament coming mid Dec and a big HK tournament next March.
My dieting and working seem to have bore some results as well, I am getting stronger and fit again. The downside to it is of course, this working out is EXHAUSTING!!

Surviving the Sergeant

Sergeant H has been with us for the past 2 years now... It's kinda hard to believe how fast time flies. Practicing with Sergeant H is something I dread, in fact I think it's something that most of the members at the dojo dreads as well. He likes to 'torture' the students with long practices with basics and hitting drills! As far as keiko with him, he's different... Even though he is a high ranking sensei, his style of Kendo is different. He seems to stick with the basic style of Kendo, and even though he is in great shape for a 55 year old man, he doesn't seem to be very fast... Although he hits really hard for sure, so hard that I can hear bells ringing everytime he hits me in the head.
Anyways, because of his lack of offense, I found it very difficult to get a good rythm when I am fighting him. Most of the time, the session turns out to be a long stale mate, with either contestant unable to get a steady rythm going. I think because my counter style thrive on the opponents (reckless) offense, it frustrates me when the opponent isn't creating the offense that I want. Does that even make any sense?
Anyways, I personally don't find my sessions with him particularly beneficial, other than increasing my stamina that is. However, I kinda view is my personal challenge to accomplish, a mountain to climb, sorta... I know it's going to be tiring as hell and perhaps a bit repetitive, but I gotta try anyways. It's part of Kendo after all...

Protein Junkie

As I was staring down on my half eaten tofu egg white omelet, I decided I've had enough and couldn't finish my plate. For you folks, tofu egg white omelet tastes exactly how it sounds. If you can imagine how a mass of tasteless white lumps taste like, 10 egg whites, with tofu thrown in the mix. Healthy, sure... the best tasting choice for dinner, it for sure ain't. However, I needed to food intake since I was feeling a bit disoriented after my work out...
I have been grinding away on my work out for a while now. After my chicken pox, I seem to have struggled with my conditioning and weight. I think I am starting to make some progress this week. I have been feeling better during Kendo and feeling quite strong at the gym. In fact, I realize that I am above average strength wise, compared to a lot of the guys who work out at my gym. I can lift around 200 lbs on my big muscle groups now.
I was feeling rather good today when I drove to the gym. After I was done with my session, legs training plus some light upper body, I started to feel woozy. I decided to hit the showers and grab some dinner.
My 5 minute drive home proved to be a challenge as well... I think the sugar level in my blood was a bit uneven after the super-sets circuit training. Perhaps going to the book store isn't such a good idea tonight. I guess tonight would be a good night for me to grab an early looong sleep.

Bring on the Thunder!!

Coming back from my work trip in Sumatera last weekend, I made time for myself to attend Kendo practices during the weekend. Well, because there WAS a plan for the practice on Saturday to be covered by yet another TV station. However, it didn't work out in the end because the building management didn't give us shooting permission. Anyways, I think I already have 2 magazine interviews and 2 TV appearances this month for Kendo.. I think that's enough media coverage for now... I don't even care if I have used up my 15 minutes already.
There are a couple of things that stood up within my weekend Kendo practices. First was God of Thunder's decision to try the jodan kamae. Because of a recent minor left leg injury, God of Thunder decided to switch his stance so that he could continue practicing through this injury. Although, perhaps the fact that he's been watching some All Japan Kendo Championship videos might have something to do with it. The result, was surprising to say the least. He had tried it a while ago and found it to be difficult and not very effective thus decided to let it go. However, this time around, the result was rather different. His basic skills has improved and he has been getting stronger as well, even I was having some problems dealing with his first time jodan effort. God of Thunder is naturally strong, having played ice hockey a lot while he was growing up, gave him great leg and arm strength. He is also pretty tall for an Asian, but his secret weapon might be that he is actually left handed. I was actually surprised that he was already able to attempt kote-men, a 2-hit attack from jodan.
I am actually quite excited with the prospect of God of Thunder practicing jodan. Not only it gives more depth and variation to our team, but also it is good for us to practice against a jodan user from time to time. It is quite confusing and different. In fact, I am still trying to figure out how to counter his attacks. Since jodan is a one handed left hand attack, therefore all of his attacks will come from my right side. However since I am shifting my kamae to the right to protect my kote, it means my attack will sort of come from the right as well. Since jodan holds their shinai high, I am at a disadvantage, especially against a taller person, like God of Thunder. I was discussing with Dark Knight on the possibilities to counter this situation. His advice was being mobile, so that the jodan will not be able to focus on the target and have enough time to prepare. Well, perhaps I will try that...
This whole God of Thunder jodan though, it is not me being hit that worries me the most. God of Thunder, as strong and gifted as he is, isn't exactly the most committed person I know. I fear that when he hits a bump, he will start displaying his old traits again.

Battle Weary Comrades

On a rare occasion last Sunday, a few of our senior Indonesian members showed up for our Sunday morning practice. For the longest time I could remember, it was pretty much myself and God of Thunder who showed up with any regularity. As much as I value my lesson with our senseis, I do miss the camaraderie we had. Sure, there are other students, but they are usually my junior by far, thus it's quite difficult to build the training relationship that I had with my peers. Dark Knight, Master Djedi and Speed Demon showed up along with myself and God of Thunder, it was a rare occasion. Even though we didn't have the energy (mostly) and time to practice amongst ourselves, I felt a different atmosphere and energy when everyone's around.
The only people missing were Jive Tongue and (pedophile) Limping Tiger. I hope we can get them back, in due time...

Media Coverage

Following my few weeks worth of break from Kendo, I am trying to settle back in with a good rythm. Perhaps fitting in one or two practices a week, to prepare myself for the Hong Kong tournament in March and our national tournament in December.
I have made some progress in getting back into shape and preparation training for the Hong Kong tournament.
Our October tournament made some splash in the media, we were covered in some TV stations and made it into an article in a national news magazine. I was interviewed a few times, but I only read the magazine article... I don't feel the need to see my own self on TV. However, it seems the media frenzy isn't over just yet.
Another TV station wants to cover our practice this coming saturday and make a program out of it.
We'll see how that goes...

"... but I really hope we can still be friend..."

I think the full sentence goes somewhere along the lines of, "I'm sorry I can't be with you, but I really hope we can remain friends"
I have been on the receiving end of that line for a few times during my lifetime and let me tell you, if it's meant to be some sort of a consolation line, it doesn't work at all. I have always thought that line to be a selfish and mean statement from someone that feels you aren't good enough to be their significant other, yet they want you to be your friend.
Little did I know that I almost said that line myself, or at least thought about it.
After a couple of months of confusion and hesitation, I decided to take a step back and trying to look at things in from a different perspective.
You know I have never been a person who decides on anything because it's possible or easier for me, instead I always go after the things I wanted, regardless of the success probability.
This being said, now what actually happened was...

About a month ago, I called BellyDancer on the phone, because it had been about a week or so since we taked, at the time...
I found her in the midst of her crying... about what, I don't know... but I am guessing perhaps I had something to do with it.
I tried my best to console her and dancing around the issue at the same time, plus she didn't want me asking about it at all... I feel bad that for the fact that I may have seriously hurt someone's feelings, a position that I never wanted to be in. Yet I found inadvertantly doing it...
I wanted to say something along the lines of "we can be friends" However I realize how stupid and selfish that be and stopped short of it.
BellyDancer was hurt, perhaps due to my (in)action, she has every right to hate me if she wants to. I understand and I will take the responsibility...

Kendo Intermezzo

Well, the most recent exciting Kendo news is that Kenji Shodai won All Japan Kendo Championship. He's probably the most unorthodox and exciting top player in Japan today. I didn't expect him to have won so soon, but anyways...
I have started to get back into Kendo practice after the tournament last month. I didn't realize that I must have missed around 2-3 weeks of practice. Coupled with my own weight gain, etc... I was running short of breath during our basic practice session.
I have since went back into working out, dieting and Kendo... but still, I found myself short of breath during Keiko. Perhaps because of the cold I have yet able to shake off... I am already cutting down smoking, etc for good measure.

You Gotta Know When to...

So, the last time you all heard from me was...
Well I was confused! All this BellyDancer, EvenStar, and at one point, even Freaky K jumped into the mix! This may be a blessing to a lot of men I know out there, but believe me, I am taking no pleasure out of this.
I decided perhaps I needed to take a step back to look at things from a different angle, not adding unnecessary pressure, etc... After all, if I can't get them... oh well, what can I do, right?
So, focusing on other things in my life for a while... At one point, I found that EvenStar is the one that I liked after all... However, many uncertainties and external factor have confused me.
Sure, she's not the surest bet out of the bunch, but it's the one that I want... and I got to try!
Just when I thought I learned the Gambler's lessons... I found myself going on my gut feeling.

You gotta know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

You never count your money
While you sittin' at the table
There be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done

Long Time Away...

I know, I know...
I have to apologize for being away for far too long. In fact, my October posting isn't something to brag about either. It's just that, a lot of nothing happened in my life that kinda made me lazy to post... Plus, my laptop had some problems that it needed to be re-installed... I think that will happen sometimes next week.
In the meantime, I will try to update of what has happened in the past month or so, piece by piece... Not so chronological, perhaps whatever comes to my mind.

The Plan was... (part 2)

EvenStar left Indonesia last January, with the possibility that she may return after she finished her courses and got a job in Jakarta. At the time, I thought to myself,”…whoa… probably one year, that’s a long time… I don’t know how I was gonna cope with that.” However, I also knew that I had to open myself to the possibility of her return.
I didn’t want her to return to find me a beaten down loser, I also didn’t want to be empty handed in case she didn’t return at all. So I did what I had to do… I went out, I kept myself in physical and mental shape… Well, I guess y’all should know the rest of the story, it’s well documented after all.
Without expecting it, I grew close with BellyDancer, especially during the time I was out sick with chicken pox. Too close for comfort, closer that I ever intended her to be, in fact. After all, it started out with my curiosity…
Well, time went by and came October and came EvenStar to Jakarta. I have met her and spent time with her this past week. I haven’t been able spend some time alone with her, but spoke with her a few times. She stated while she has found a job here in Jakarta, and will stay for at least one year, there’s no way that she’ll be here in the long run. I can understand that, growing up in Canada, it’ll be difficult for anyone to move to another country, let alone Indonesia… Hell, even I am still having a difficult time sometimes. All these developments kinda put everything I had in mind to a hold at least for now. I know it seems a bit manipulative of me, but I don’t want to face another romantic break down and I know I haven’t done anyone any wrong. I was very careful at that, at the very least… What’s next? Well, let me put it this way, you’ll know as soon as I know… How’s that?

The Plan was... (part 1)

Since the first time Mr. SMura mentioned that we’re hosting a tournament in October, in the back of my mind I was already plotting the course of action as far as my own fitness training and Kendo to get myself ready for this event.
I think I started hitting the gym hard right after I came back from my back injury. Sure there were some ups and downs along the way, but for the most part I think I had a good run there.
I made some real progress in terms of my diet, lost a bit of weight in the process. My weight training helped to gain some much needed strength and stamina even when I wasn’t feeling so well.
As for Kendo, I didn’t think I had a very good year training wise… in fact I don’t think I had a very good year at all. However, I went and grind through everything I was faced with. Even though it wasn’t very satisfactory, but I think I still came up at least even.
Unexpectedly, I was hit with chicken pox sometimes last month. My Kendo, work out and diet automatically came to a halt at that moment.
It took me about a month to get back into training. By that time, I found that I have gained weight and was out of shape, with practically no time left for me to get back into rhythm. My Kendo strangely enough wasn’t so much affected, sure I was in decline compared to earlier this year or late last year, but it was still on an acceptable level. However, I felt I am way below par coming into this tournament, with my training and preparations gone to waste.
Came tournament time, the result was rather surprising, in regards to my personal performance at least. I deliberately did not place myself on the strongest team, in the hopes that the strongest Indonesian team will be able to advance far into the tournament. My gamble paid off, Indonesian Team A was able to get the silver medal, losing marginally to a Japanese Team from Hokkaido. While my team, Indonesian Team B, lost to Indonesian Team A in the quarter-finals.
I was also quite satisfied with my own performance. I fought four times that day. I won twice, lost once and draw once. I was especially happy that I was able to draw with a young advanced sensei from Japan, from what I heard, he was also quite surprised with the fight that I put up. I was also quite happy that I was able to beat a sensei from Hongkong 2-0.
All in all, it was a pretty satisfactory tournament, not to mention exhausting.

Pick Ourselves Back Up!!

I have started Kendo again, sorta... To avoid infections, etc, I still haven't put on my men during practice. Thus, so far I have only been able to practice kata, basics and limited wazas. I think my form is still OK, although I think there's still a lot of things I need to work on, including my footwork, kamae, etc.
I noticed that I am still leaning back in my chudan position and I think my footwork is a bit sloppy.
The next practice is scheduled to be this coming Friday, and perhaps it'll be the last intense sessions before our tournament next week.
In the meantime, I went to the gym again today after my almost passing out fiasco last Thursday. I noticed that even though I didn't pass out, I have lost a lot of strength and endurance. My trainer commented that perhaps I haven't fully recovered from my sickness yet, thus my physical decline.
Taking the opportunity of this weeklong holiday, I will be trying to work out to get back into shape, rest... and do Kendo at the end of the week.
Plus, I think I have a couple of reports due next week for work as well.

Not There Yet...

So, right after I got off the plane from Sumatra, I immediately went off to the gym to start doing work out again. It has been 3 weeks since I've done any kind of work out at all.
I thought to start my first week back with light work outs, just to get myself going again. However, it looks like my body had other plans...
While I was doing OK with light weights and high reps work out, after about 30-45 minutes... I started to feel nauseous and light headed. I couldn't stand and wanted to throw up. So I sat down and ask for the trainers' help... They brought me some warm sweet tea to wake me up a bit. After I was able to stand up, I hit the showers and called it a day. The trainers thought that perhaps due to my illness and lack of full recovery, my blood sugar level was a wreck when I tried to work out. They told me to eat a full meal tonight and take a rest...
I did just that and I felt better already...
Am I going to work tomorrow? Hmm... let's see... HELL YEAH!!

London Dreams

I don’t remember how I have known Freaky K. We were introduced by a mutual friend a long while ago when I was still in Bandung. At the time she was a med student, gee… to think it about, it must have been perhaps around five years ago. It’s scary how time flies…

Well, we don’t really stay in contact for the last few years now, especially after my move to Jakarta (again) and my job in Sumatra. From what I gathered, she has graduated her General Practice program and was deciding whether she was going to continue her studies or whatever else she was thinking of doing. She dreamed of going to London for no reason and due to her circumstances at the time, was wandering aimlessly in life.

Imagine my surprise a couple of weeks ago when I heard that she has moved to Jakarta and gotten a job at a Japanese clinic as an in house physician.

While she still retains her feisty demeanor, I for one think that this move shows a step in the right direction for her. She decided to get a job instead of staying unemployed in Bandung, and starting to plan for her future. At this point, she’s still getting used to the idea of living by herself in Jakarta and working her way through traffic and other aspects of Jakarta lifestyle.

In this case, I am proud of Freaky K’s decision to risk it all for something positive in her life. I for one believe due to the economic slump in Bandung, it has become sort of a ‘dead’ town… Everyone is affected and has become embittered and negative in their outlook in life. This is part of the reason why I avoid going to Bandung or interacting with too many people from my own hometown. I feel that I need to keep positive within my own journey and endeavors, even if it means temporarily distancing myself from people I knew.

As for Freaky K’s London dreams… She thinks it will have to wait for a while. London is always going to be there… unless the events depicted in the 28 Weeks Later movie truly do happen…

Fighting the Flab

So, today marks the third week that I haven't done any real work since I got the chicken pox. I have started work again this week and have been going out of the house since last weekend. Mostly due to the boredom, but there's also so much work to be done anticipating the upcoming holiday season in Indonesia.
I have however, refrained myself from working out. Mainly due to my health status, the fact that my body is still not 100% recovering from the disease. Also, even though it is getting better by the day, I do look like I just got the chicken pox. Not wanting to spread the disease and having people commenting, I tend to avoid places where I may be recognized.
I know for a fact that I haven't gained on my waist line, but I have lost a lot of muscle... With a major Kendo tournament coming in the second week of October, I think will/want to start training right after I go back to Jakarta this Thursday.
I will start of with some light-medium cardio and light basic lifting, then it's Kendo on the weekend. Depends on the my facial scar situation, if I feel it has healed enough, I will put on my men. Otherwise, I will not and practice basics and kata instead.

Patience, Grasshopper...

So now I am back in Jakarta, starting to resume my daily routines again...
Whatever 'feelings' I had during my sickness exile in Bandung kinda subsides by itself.
I was chatting with my friend Zen the other day, he mostly agrees with my decisions so far, however he also advised me to be patient and not to rush anything, especially when it comes to relationship.
I spent some time with BellyDancer over the weekend, dinner and stuff... let's just say that I have kinda cooled down a little, and from what I saw, so did she. Perhaps it's stress from work, or in my case stress from not working, but things kinda died down a little bit, at least at my end.
I am not sure why, I think Zen is right that I should rush things... perhaps, I got caught up at my activities also that I have since I came back to Jakarta.
In any case, that's all I have for now...

Walking Pleague

Well, I've been out and about for a couple of days... Not too extensively, but just enough to cure my boredom at the mall, groceries, buying DVDs, etc.
Although, I still advise my friends who has never gotten chicken pox or who has children at home to stay the hell away from me, because I may pass the virus to them or their family members.
Anyways, due to the preparation for the Indonesian holiday season, I will have to take care of some work administration stuff at the home office in Jakarta, as well as overseeing the preparation for the holiday at the plantation site in Sumatra this coming week.
I guess my break time is over, I am wondering if I should start doing some workout again tomorrow though... I am feeling a bit flabby after 2 weeks of lying down and eating.

Unexpected

Well, amidst all these things going on around me... While I am still grounded here at home, something unexpected did came about.
BellyDancer and I grew close... I know that we don't see each other, because she's working in Jakarta and I am grounded here in Bandung, but she and I grew close... Closer than what I expected. I don't know what's happening, it's not that I did anything any differently... but something did happen.
I knew that EvenStar has been a dream for a while now, but I began to wonder if it's merely an escape from the bleak prospect that is my life. In fact, I began to wonder if the signs I read were true or not... She's coming back next month, with no guarantee if she's staying or not. Even if she's staying, I don't know if she feels the same... In fact, I don't even know what I feel anymore!

What I definitely don't want is to pass up something that's right in front of me, while I'm out there chasing for 'nothing'... You know?

Well, in any case... nothing is definite at this point. In fact, the way I feel now, even if BellyDancer turns out to be a 'hoax', I ain't gonna beat myself down over that either.

Round Two

It's been a long time coming for a while now...
Queen of Diamonds tried to contact me a few times for like the past month or something, for seemingly no reason. So, before I got sick, to return the favor (she sent me some cakes) I took her out to lunch. After the usual pleasantries, I got down to business and asked her what is it that she wanted from me. She said something like she wants to be friends and hang out, etc... I politely declined, I told her the reason being for my own protection. I also did told her that I wish her the best and that she will find her way in her life.
The truth is, if she was sincere, honest and perhaps apologized, I probably would have considered the chance of getting back together with her. However, seeing her at her current state, I have a feeling that if we get back together, it'd probably end up the same again.

Well, related to that, I got a surprising news yesterday. She seem to have broken up with her current/last boyfriend... Well, I wouldn't say it's totally a surprise, but I was feeling a bit well... strange...
For a while, I thought the reason that I couldn't get back together with her was because if this dude. Then again, I realize that it's not him, it never was... Whatever it is, maybe she and I really wasn't meant to be or she just didn't want a committed relationship (with me). After that I came to the realization that this isn't my problem, it's not my break up!! I sent her a message of my concerns and that's that...

I don't see this as a competition, on who's 'winning' or who has the upper hand... If this was a competition, then I already lost.
I lost my girlfriend last year.

Heeeere's Johnny!!!

Let me tell ya...
This boredom thing is setting in real fast and REAL now. I haven't had fever or headache for a few days now. Thanks to the doctor and my family, who's been takin' care of me. However, doing nothing at home takes its toll on me. However, I still look like ground zero and I heard I am especially contagious in this next few weeks as well.
I am missing my cousin's wedding this weekend, and I don't think I should meet my pregnant sister for the next few months or something.
Anyways, perhaps this virus has been inside of me all these time just waiting to come out. That's why I've been feeling weak and weird for the the past few months now with no apparent reason sometimes. I guess I am glad that it came out when it did. Now, it's just healing time... waiting for my face to go back to normal.
Seriously now, I think I may go ape shit in a couple of days if it goes on like this Right now, I am starting to understand how Jack Nicholson feels in the Shining!! Having nothing to do at home seriously sucks. I think I am ready to start doing some work at home next week... Maybe that'll help a little.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Well for a few days there I thought I was going to die, seriously... Feverish, headaches, sore throats and my scalp stings like crazy...
I went to another doctor for a second opinion, a specialist this time, he concurred that I indeed got chicken pox, but he pointed out the fact that the medication the first doctor gave me just wasn't enough. You see, to get chicken pox as an adult is indeed terrible... a lot worse than if you get it when you were a kid.
So, now my fever is over, I hope... but I still look like a mutant from George Romero's script... It looks like I will be sidelined here in Bandung for like 3 weeks or something. Damn man... So many things to do as well, my work, my Kendo, work out... maybe it's a good time for me to do some thinking...
I wish I could just sleep it off.

Breakout

I would never have seen it coming...
Yes, I was feeling exhausted over the past week, but I thought it was due to my work schedule, etc. I came back home to Bandung on Friday to visit my father who is feeling under the weather, from stress mostly... As I arrived in Bandung, I started to feel discomfort myself. I got pains all over my body and I was feverish too... Lo and behold, I was diagnosed with chicken pox.
I never had it when I was younger, even when all the other kids at school had them, I somehow never caught chicken pox. It's just rather unexpected for me to have them right now. I hate being sick and feeling helpless like this... Now I will have to rest at home for a while or something...
DAMN...

Fool's Gold

I went to a wedding in Bandung this past weekend. It was a distant friend of mine, his name is Ben. After practically years of no news what so ever, suddenly there's this wedding.
Ben's family is a gold trader in the West Java area, so they are probably quite loaded since they are pretty well known in their hometown. He is however, not the fastest cat around... he is quite stiff and acts like a simpleton.
Thus to our surprise, suddenly he's getting married... To the information I gathered at the wedding, the girl (dunno her name) is only 24, while Ben is 34. They were introduced by their respective family 3 months ago and decided to get married...

As funny as this love story is, the wedding itself is another story...
I knew that weddings in Bandung is kinda funny, thus I didn't dress all out, just a shirt and some khakis. The women were all decked out of course, but a lot of the men were just dressed in polo shirts, jeans and sandals.
The couple barely made it onto the podium and started their thank you speech when I heard some rumblings behind me. Apparently the other guests decided they were not gonna wait any longer before they start attacking the wedding buffet. They didn't even stop when it came to prayers time... I thought I've seen some weddings in my lifetime, but this was indeed something else.
Not wanting to resort to physical violence to get food, we decided to bail the wedding all together. After congratulating Ben, we bolted for a restaurant and decided to have a nice calm dinner instead...

The End of Wednesday Night Fight Club

The news came to me last week while I was still working in Sumatra. It seems like The Man has finally decided to keep us down, again...
It looks the management of Skyline Building has decided not to rent out the space for our dojo, and opt to look for other office type tenants.
Right now, the space is shared between Jakarta Japan Club, and other arts organization affiliated with it, such as Kendo, Iaido, Karate, Aikido and Taiko Drumming. Of course such kind of rental does not generate enough revenue considering the cheap fee we pay for the space.
At this moment, it looks like we may still have the space until the end of 2008, or March 2009 at the most. If no further development, we may loose our downtown training space.

The Bulk of it...

Man, I think I am a bit too bulky right now.
I know that I like working out and enjoy the heavier weight challenge as well. It gives me focus and release when I am working out, but I also found that the harder I work out, the easier for me to lose fat... At least that's what I thought.
Now, my waistline is under control. However, I found myself bulking up in the chest and shoulders areas. Plus, my weight has crept up on me, AGAIN!!
I do not mind the shoulders, but I am naturally thick and wide and this bulk isn't helping at all.
The other day I tried on my suit and fits me fine except it's a bit tight in the chest area... and I need to wear that suit at least a couple of times in the next few months!! I need to tone it down and fast... I am confused now. Whether I should cut down on my protein intake, modify my work out or what!!
I don't think I over eat, maybe on weekends only... whatever it is I will come up with, I will have to come up with it soon!

Impending

It's been a busy couple of weeks for me here... Working and preparing everything I could so that EvenStar would come back to Jakarta and enable me to visit her before she comes back. Apparently I underestimated myself and her friends... It looks like the EvenStar's resume is quite in demand here in Jakarta. I have to admit that it's not only due to my efforts, some of her friends helped quite a bit too, even more effectively than myself perhaps.
She's still out there studying for her final exams and making preparations for job interviews, etc... However somehow the excitement is missing for me...
Perhaps it's my fears and worries, perhaps it's my work, or perhaps distractions...
I know this is a long shot, even with friends and family's tremendous help... I don't know how far I can get here...

Damn The Humidity

Mr. M was livid on Sunday's practice for some reasons. I don't know what the cause was, but it was surely enough for him to repeatedly disrupt our practice to criticize a few people, luckily I wasn't one of them. However another older sensei had to face embarasement by being publicly criticized by Mr. M... unfortunate incident it was, erhhm...
Practice was fine, although I have failed yet again to crack this riddle known to me as Mr. Kmura... Somehow I just couldn't read his rhytm, his timing, his kamae and his attacks!!
The wound on my left foot just kept re-opened... I am taking a week's worth of break from Kendo this week... I have some things to attend to in Bandung.

Goodbye Mr. Kikawa

Yesterday was Mr. Kikawa's final practice here in Jakarta. We don't know if he will be able to come back here to Jakarta after this term. I do hope that he does. You see, he is one of the first offensive oriented Kendo teacher that came to Jakarta a couple of years ago. Practicing with him has greatly helped me in developing my own offensive Kendo. Anticipating attacks while creating your own opportunity. In fact, it was because of practicing with him that I developed my own Kote-Men attack, to counter his close distance maai and Kote attacks.
Even though he had a leg cramp, he did astoundingly well. Fought more than 10 people and beat most of them. He will surely be missed...

Before the farewell shiais, I was able to practice with Mr. KKawa, Mr. Smura and Mr. Aono. Incorporating what I thought of the past few days, I think I was more comfortable with my own Kendo rather than trying forcing myself to do a more rigid style.
Although, I was having difficulties in trying to hit a Men attack against Mr. Smura, somehow his swing always could negate mine, thus grabbing away the point for himself. I think my center is off, especially when colliding with his strong attack.
While I think my friend God of Thunder doesn't as difficult time as myself. Perhaps due to his height and strength as well...

Out of My Element

Here's what I've been thinking in the past few days...
You are your Kendo... Your Kendo reflects your own personality.
After my injury, I have been very tentative with my Kendo. I carefully try not to move too much, not to do anything too drastic or active, even during keiko or shiai. Paired with the advise that I got from my teachers that I should be focusing more on the mental aspect of my Kendo, my semme... With all these in mind, I've been trying to do focus on a more stationary Kendo, focusing on my mind instead of my movement. What I found was instead I haven't been able to 'flow' with my Kendo... I either waited too much or attack at the wrong time. I realize that I've been trying too hard to do Kendo that isn't me, out of my personality and out of my element...
This week, I started to train again. Focusing on leg strength and flexibility that will enable to me to move more fluidly and do the Kendo that I LIKE to do. While I am not a hyperactive person, nor I am the stoic and silent type either.
Without forgetting all the advises I've got from my senseis, rather than trying to do Kendo that isn't really me, I will instead try to incorporate them into my OWN Kendo... and let's see how this will turn out.

Over Training

Land from Sumatra, rush to the bank to take care of some paperwork...
I was feeling so hungry that my stomach started to hurt a little bit. I managed to find some little eatery so I could I get some food into my system. After that, I was off to the gym...
I was surprisingly feeling pretty strong through out the weight session, I only relented in the end when I felt a bit of a leg cramp when I was running on the treadmill.
I think I have lost all the excess I gained when I wasn't feeling well and not working out. I did however felt the effect on the very next day when I was at Kendo practice.
My legs felt so heavy that I was barely able to move. Needless to say I did quite badly that day. Mr. M even laughed and said I need more practice. I also rip a piece of skin on my left foot during the practice. It was quite painful that I had to miss Sunday's practice due to that.
I had a chance to have dinner with Mr. SMura Saturday night. Aside from reporting the progress of the JKA, we also talked a bit about our Kendo stories. I mentioned him about my beginnings at University of Wisconsin, with Kiyota Sensei, Kimura and Steve... He thought that I was lucky to be able to have so many good teachers to start me off with my Kendo. Well, we both shared stories about Kendo and families mostly... It was a pretty interesting evening.
I feel a bit bad that I couldn't make it to practice the next day because of my foot.
Anyways, this wednesday is Mr. KKawa's last day in practice, I will make a point to go this time... and perhaps not work out so hard the day before.

Fork in the Road

I was able to get back into things after a few outings and pretty soon was going out with even more attractive women compared to before. However, there was something amiss about all this. I found that I was going out in order to force myself to survive, to get over a failed relationship and to get me a new one. Having a few options didn't help the matter either, it actually confused me even more. Before long, going out and playing the field became a chore, a distraction and a burden for me.
I came to the realization that the Game may have brought me women, dates and fun... but it didn't brought me what I was and still looking for, which is love. It may sound cliche, but I have forgotten the reason why I started this whole thing before.

Long ago, I was always the one without the upper hand in a man - woman interaction. Often times, I was trapped in the dreaded 'friends zone' with a woman I am attracted. Like a chump I stayed in there, hoping for a change which I know now would have never come. I have experienced terrible things emotionally that I vowed never I would let myself be in that position again. After the Game, I was able to maintain control over my interactions and never caught myself stepping into the 'friends zone', however I felt there was something missing.
Everything became mechanic to me. I am confident enough to know that I can get a girl out and have a good chance for her to be interested in me, however I realize the 'feeling' has been missing. That true feeling for someone...

I know that letting go of the Game may open myself for another emotional pain, however perhaps the payoff may be worth it. After all, feeling something is better than not feeling at all...

Crossroads

I've been meaning to write this piece for the past week or so now, I just haven't figured out how to come up with the best format to express my thoughts.
Anyways, I guess I will have to go way back to the beginning...

You see, a friend of mine recommended me to the read The Game to better understand how to interact with women, a department I was lacking at. Although, I wouldn't say that the book changed my life, it did opened my eyes to many many things I was missing before. I studied up some more, read materials and discussed the contents and applications to some of my friend, Master Djedi and Mrs. Chickpea to name some...
I learned and studied and was feeling very excited and apprehensive at the same time, I just couldn't believe that these crazy theories and practices could somehow better my chances with women. Tried them out I did, practiced I did, did it work? Surprisingly, yes...
Even though I didn't use every detail or pick up lines mentioned in the book or the other materials, I was able to deduct the basic content of it. Basically, by improving your inner balance, you will somehow create an 'aura' of attraction from yourself and this 'aura' can subconsciously be projected to others. Of course, after that comes the conversational skills, body language and mind tactics that follows as well.
I practiced this on every girl I met and went out with... Counting to this day, I think I have went out with around 30 women in the past 2 years and have had a pretty good success rate. You see, I don't go out with so many women to get off from the fact that I got a lot of girlfriends nor do I get any psychological satisfaction from seducing women in general. I was practicing so that when the One showed up, I'd be ready... Well, the result was I found myself a girlfriend that I really like, but we all know that story ended.
After the break up, I was in full swing mode again with my Game. I was eager to bounce back and get myself back in the Game again. This time, what I found was different...

Missing Comrade

You know...
Dark Knight and Jive Tongue has been out of Kendo for a while now both due to their respective jobs requirements. I miss practicing and talking Kendo with Dark Knight, I think practicing or fighting him can somehow bring out my best Kendo. I also miss talking about Kendo, even though our fighting styles were completely different, I think we share the same passion and goal for our Kendo.
I do hope he comes back to practice soon...

Re-Energized

Related to the my determination to keep things rolling in my life, I seem to have found new life in my Kendo as well. Even Mr. SMura was pleasantly surprised with the level of energy I brought with me during Saturday's keiko at Skyline dojo. I don't think I am 'there' just yet, but if I can keep this energy level up, I should be able to progress each week. I just need to keep this positive calm and attitude within myself.
The organizational work for the JKA has also picked up a bit in the past week. We've been trying to organize the members of the dojo, for the purpose of data base, equipment supply, maintenance and event organizing. It has generated quite a good deal of interest amongst the members, thanks to our staff...

High Definition

So, I saved up enough money to splurge once more, heh heh heh...
I bought myself a High Definition LCD TV and home theater system for my room. It is something I have always wanted, since I never had a TV in my own room before.
I was a bit worried when the analog connection to the TV started showing some spots after a few minutes of DVD, then I decided to splurge some more to get myself an HDMI line... Let me tell ya folks... that's the way to go!!
HDMI graphics and DTS sound in your room... I don't think I'm gonna leave my room this weekend!!!

End of an Era

I can't believe the Packers decided to trade away Brett Favre!!
I am just gonna vent here...
Brett Favre is the only reason that the Packers has any standing at all in the NFL! He took them to the Superbowl twice! The playoffs numerous times!! Established Green Bay as one of the contenders ever since he stepped on the field in his number 4 green and gold jersey!! They traded him away? For whom? Who the hell is this Aaron Rodgers anyways!! Anyways, hoping and anticipating Brett can make something out of the Pack each year is the only reason I watch and follow the NFL these days, with him gone... there's no more reason for me to watch. Sure he may end up in Meadow Lands or Tampa, it ain't the same...
On the other hand though...
Brett is OLD, as strong and in shape as he is, we don't know how many more years he has in that arm. The franchise has to move, if I were the GM I'd probably do the same thing. Especially since Brett has been indecisive in regards to his retirement and future. Anyways, I think the Packers are going down the long road to obscurity here...

So long Brett, it's been a pleasure watching you all these years...

An Unwritten Letter

Hopefully I will be able to say these to you in person someday, and hopefully I won't choke when I'm doing it...
I felt that we had a connection going last winter when you were here. I thought that given the chance, perhaps we could have started something meaningful. The reason I didn't pursue anything at the time was because I didn't want you to be my rebound, plus you were leaving as well...
When I heard you was coming back this Fall, I was confused. Should I wait and perhaps act upon what we had the last time? Or should I just try to move on? October seems a like long ways and I don't think I can last that long without going crazy.
In fact went crazy I did, a couple of times actually. Like usual I bounced back though, and without realizing it, October is only a couple months away now.
I guess what I'm saying is, I have decided that I am going to risk it all again this time. No Game no nothing, just plain fool's hope and a plane ticket perhaps. I have decided to find out if you feel the same and if we can make something meaningful out of this.

Suspended Balance

I have been feeling weak and listless for the past few weeks with no clear symptoms nor explanations. A chinese doctor told me that I was 'over heating' from eating too much meat or protein related product, it's kinda funny because I also remembered that I feel the weakest whenever I drank my protein shake.
Perhaps that was some truth in that, I drank her traditional rancid stuff and I am getting better...
However, I think the underlining cause is my mental health (metal health, heh heh, God Bless Kevin Dubrow) isn't what I thought it should be.
You see, I have been kinda rolling around in the past few weeks, maybe months... as if I am in auto cruise mode. I do my daily work, work out, kendo, going out, etc... Yet I have been doing all of them without any passion, without any conviction and most importantly without any direction. While I was trying to maintain my inner balance, I didn't realize that I was slipping.
Apparently this inner balance is a dynamic concept. Not only you need to maintain all the aspects of your life, such as work, exercise, fun, socializing, intellectuals, but you also have to keep them rolling. Constantly seek to improve, whether its an existing aspect or add another plate that you are spinning.
It took my friend Noodle King to give me a kick in my nutzak, figuratively of course, for me to realize this. He told me to shape up and do the things I wanted to do, get the things I wanted to get. Otherwise the flow will be interrupted and all the progress will be halted. He told me to get some new clothes because a lot of my clothes are too old or too big now, go get whatever I wanted and go where ever I think I want to go (we will come to this later on).
I also thought to myself that I need to start taking responsibilities in my life, my job, Kendo and not letting people who counted on me down.
Speaking of responsibilities, it suddenly dawned on me I need to take some responsibilities for my past as well, including my failed relationship. I started to think that perhaps it wasn't all Queen of Diamond's fault, perhaps I also had my faults. Well, what's done is done, it's all over now...

Up and Down and Here We Go...

I had a chance to practive with Mr. KMura last Saturday at Skyline. He has just arrived in Jakarta a couple of weeks ago and I have not had too many chances to practice with him.. One thing I noticed right away is that his versatility and his liberty in his kamae position. He seems to have taken a lot of (more than most, at least) liberty in changing the position of his kamae, up and down... I have to say this confused me and made me susceptible to a few of his attacks. It took me a while to TRY to adapt to what was going on. You see, I think my kamae is pretty much straight forward, I don't try to do anything drastic for the fear of breaking my form and opening myself up for attacks. So, what I did instead was to readjust my maai, so that it will create some sort of distance and timing barrier, preventing Mr. KMura from having too much of his way with me... I was successful for a few times and failed for many more times. This is definitely a work in progress for me. I am a bit happy that I have the chance to work on this though...

Renewed Interest

It was a happy moment when I saw BigBlackWilly back at practice. It has been at least 2-3 years since he moved to Bali for his job. I guess he's back now...
You know, I am actually quite surprised that from all the people of his generation, he's the one that (so far) to actually have a keen interest in Kendo and the desire to learn. He's a bit wild, but talented... A valuable asset comes tournament time. He's been out of Kendo for a while, he's a bit wild with his swinging and kiai, but given time he'll get it back, his speed, his spirit and that wild eye look grin on his face.
The clubbing I did on Friday took its tool for the whole weekend for me. I was sore all the way through, I think I didn't have enough rest or something... My shoulder was sore and worse of all, I think somehow I hurt my ankle on Sunday. I don't know what happened, I didn't sprain it, I didn't remember anything happening. All of a sudden, my left ankle locked up and it was painful for me to stand on. The idiot that I am, I kept on going. I took a short break and went back to keiko.
I went to the traditional healer this morning to got it fixed, it was painful but it was short and cheap. I have to lay off it for a couple days even though I don't really feel the pain no more. I hope that it's nothing serious, I really hate to get injured right now.

How Long Was I Gone?

I had to go to this club last Friday, because Provocateur was in town and she wanted to go meet some of her friends at this particular club. I have not been to this particular club, but from what I heard it is one of the most exclusive place in town where all the models and movie stars hang out, or something like that...
You see, I haven't been clubbing in a while and have not been inclined to go out either. I found it tiring and I think I've had enough partying in my lifetime and it is all behind me now. The moment I walked in there, however, what I found was rather disappointing.
Sure there were a few good looking girls, but most of the crowd were dubious looking old men, and I mean old, not just too old for the club, but old in general, like in their 50s, disgustingly dancing with much younger girls. Not only that, I dunno what happened, but one of these old guys were picking a fight with some white guys as well...
I was kinda hoping the fight would happen, just to see something interesting in an otherwise dreary nightclub. So, I took Provocateur back to her hotel... she did invited me up to her room, but I didn't do nothing, I didn't want to, I chose not to... It was late, I needed to rest and plus, I REALLY didn't want to...
Little did I know, I would pay for this late outing for the next few days...

Skyline Fight Club

As I was watching Mr. KNGae talking about the enjoyment of a kendo match as opposed to the pressure of having to win or score points, I realized that there's something to this group that I have not seen before...
These are Japanese people who have practiced Kendo all their lives, sometime not by choice and only after they have come and practice in Jakarta that they began to develop a deeper understanding, desire and enjoyment to Kendo.
Many of them have done Kendo for decades but found it something they were either good at, or had to do. It is ironic that many of them found Kendo after they have left Japan.
I feel lucky that we have such a wonderful dojo, which I sometime take for granted. We have 4 7 Dan senseis, numerous 5-6 Dans and many other. What's more amazing is that somehow we have an open environment where everyone passionately discusses about Kendo without worrying about too much etiquette or protocol. Everyone is open to questions and everything is open for discussion. I don't know how long this will last, of course I do hope that it'll last a while.

That's What She Said...

With Avatar in hiatus until later this month, my new favourite show is The Office (US version). I got nothing against Rick Gervais, it's just that the cast of the British version is just to damned unattractive to watch. So crazy that I went and bought all DVDs for season 1-4 last week and I finished them all in one week, staying up until 3 AM watching them... So addicted that I actually watched The Office at my office at one point. I began to link characters of the show to people I have worked with, especially during my employment tenure in Boston. I think I got a man-crush on Jim Halpert... although if I was him I would have picked Karen instead of Pam...
So now that I've finished watching The Office... I actually had time to re-work on learning to play guitars again. I actually figured out how the play the song Sempurna by Andra and the Backbone, I think... I omitted a few notes in each repetition because I just couldn't figure out how to place my fingers to play them. A professional guitar player friend of mine actually laughed when he heard me play the riffs over the phone because he immediately realized that I wasn't playing the complete version... Of course it took him only around 5 minutes the figure how to play the complete version.

Concentration through Repetition

Mr. TTKuma and I started practicing kata again this week after last week’s demonstration at Hotel Sahid Jaya. I was not very satisfied with last week’s demonstration, I thought I was a bit too eager and made a few mistakes in the process. With our target for October’s demonstration getting closer, we keep trying to focus on our kata practice.

Strangely enough, these weekly kata session with Mr. TTKuma, Sergeat H or even Mr. MM, kinda reinvigorated my interest and passion in Kendo. I even feel tired after one session from kata number 1 – 10. The attention to every little detail, not only our swing and timing, but even the way we walk, how we position our off hand fingers, demands every bit of concentration and effort at every moment. I used to think that kata is boring and is purely of ceremonial purpose only. However, the more I practice it, the more I realize that, just like shinai kendo, it trains your focus and concentration on every detail at every moment.

This past Sunday, I had a shiai training with Teacher K at our JJS dojo. Even though from the outside, the match seems evenly fought, I didn’t feel or see any possibility for me to score an ippon during the match. Rather I didn’t create or see a good enough moment during the match for myself to score an ippon. In the end, I lost by a narrow one point to Teacher K. I always enjoy my matches with Teacher K and I am looking forward to fighting him again in the near future.

'well wishes'

I don’t know what the hell is up this last week. It seems that everywhere I turn, I was reminded with my failed relationship with Queen of Diamonds. Perhaps I have backtrack a bit here to get story straight… Last month was my birthday, strangely enough Queen of Diamonds was the first one to wish me a happy birthday, she even sent me a cake! So when it was her birthday, it was my turn to send her some flowers (our birthday is only a week apart). She also mentioned that it was her mother’s birthday this past week. Out of courtesy, I decided to give her mother a call to wish her happy birthday. I guess I got a bit more to that. On the phone, she kept me talking for a good while about how I and her daughter broke up, and how she wishes that we would still be together, etc. I didn’t say a lot, only gave her some ‘verbal nodding’ over the phone.

That was one thing, the other one was, my friends it seems kept on telling how they saw Queen of Diamonds with her new guy, who is short, ugly, or whatever… I don’t know if they were trying to make me feel better, but seriously it didn’t feel good at all.

The last straw was when people let me know that the word on the street for the cause of our breakup was that she was cheating on me. Honestly, I don’t think so and even so that was the first time I ever heard of such thing, but still such kind of unnecessary information just makes you feel… eh, you know?

On one hand, I am glad that I don’t need to deal with the walking and talking mess whom we call the Queen of Diamonds and that I came out as the ‘good guy’ out of this mess. On the other hand, I am saddened that someone or something that used to mean a lot to was suddenly exposed to be a possible sham… In any case, I am sooo ready to walk away from this… I just wish that other people would just stop reminding me of what has passed…

these are not the droids you're looking for...

So, I’ve been going out with Belly Dancer for the past few weeks now. It seems we’ve gone out every weekend now and talk to each other on and off every few days as well. So far I’ve managed to establish some sort of a ‘comfort’ level with her… I like having her to call, to watch movies with, to have dinner with, yet we have not had any improvement in the ‘barriers’ department. Not that I have any problems with that either. Honestly, so far I haven’t had any inclinations to dig in deeper into her, not literally… nor do I have any inclinations to share any more of me to her. Although I do have a feeling that she knows enough about me as it is… In fact I don’t even know how much she knows about me… If that makes any sense at all.

Well TONIGHT, after lunch, movie and dinner… Hancock was just so-so by the way… We were actually talking about some stuff from our previous relationship and family issues… Let’s just put it this way, I think she implied that she still have some family issues in regards to her relationship that needed to be sorted out. With THAT, she also mentioned some bits and pieces about the nature of our ‘relationship’… Well, it’s safe to say that she isn’t expecting more than what I expected of her in the first place. I feel fine with that, in fact sort of a relief really… Of course, due the complicated nature with a woman, I won’t know what that actually means until the next time I ask her out…

Grinding Through

Dragging myself to practice last night, I was a bit skeptical on my performance. I have been absent for the past 2 weeks, people have been asking about my attendance and I also had to practice kendo kata with Mr. TTKuma for the upcoming kata demonstrations.

Even though I am not really ‘sick’, however my energy level has been pretty low in the past few weeks, fluctuating at best. My trainer mentioned that I may be in need of a vacation or something. I haven’t been in the mood to go anywhere, plus I need to save some money for other needs as well.

I had keiko with Mr. MM, Mr. W, Sergeant H and Mr. TTKuma. As for points wise, I think my Kendo was border line. I didn’t perform as well as I would like to, however I did gave everything my body had that night. I found myself concentrating hard, because I know I didn’t have much to begin with. However, there were few instances that I found myself doubting my own semme, even during crucial moments, which made me open and vulnerable for attacks.

I was unable to find solid opening against Mr. MM, instead I was struck a few times on my men. Which is a rarity considering his usual attack style and height. My men must have been extremely open for him to try such bold attacks on me.

Against Sergeant H, I tried hard to keep my posture and stamina for his usual endurance oriented training. Surprisingly he took it rather easy on me, even though he never let up on distance thus not giving me any moment of rest by closing in the distance. Not only I had to resist his pushes, I also had to keep on my kamae for the whole duration.

Mr. W with his usual aggressive style. I found myself doubting my own semme a few time, which made me an easy target.

Mr. TTKuma, made a point that while my kote attacks are pretty good, I should not rely on it as much, for it made me too predictable. The thing is, Mr. TTKuma’s extreme height and fast hands makes it very difficult for me to hit his men.

All in all, last night’s practice was pretty satisfying, even though I found it difficult to get out of bed this morning due to exhaustion.

Love and Marriage... Love and Marriage?

“I chose her not because of love, really… but because I think she’ll be a good mother will be able to take care of my household”

“I didn’t even know what was going! I walked in the room and before I knew it, everything was already set, the date, the place, everything!”

“Because she’s rich!”

“Because it’s about time and I am comfortable with her and her family.”

“I think she can accept me the way I am NO matter what.”

Those are some of the answers I have received when I asked some of my married friends on why they decided to marry their spouses. I noticed that none of the above answers mentioned words like love, chemistry or she’s the one…

Honestly, I am a little disappointed with the results that I got so far in regards to this questioning. From the answers, it would seem that marriage is a matter of convenience rather than love.

I am not sure whether this is due to the Asian background, but a large percentage of people I know, chose spouses that are simpler to maintain rather than someone they WANT to be with for the rest of their lives. Someone to take care of the family while we are at work (or where ever else we may be), or crudely put an employee.

This makes me question the notion of love itself, does it even exist at all? Are we doomed to chase something that never existed in the first place? A fairy tale or a beautiful notion which merely serves to provide the impression that there is special someone out there and something that binds us.

If I know myself as well as I think I do, any relationship based on convenience and co-dependence is not what I am after. Whatever I may be doing now, it’s solely based on the fact that I am on a quest for love, yes love. Because any relationship based on anything other than that, is an empty shell with no direction… at least that’s how I see it.

Someone once said, which is the greater suffering? Having no one to share your burden, or having no one share your joys with?

Whatever one may have accomplished as an individual, it means nothing unless you have someone to share it with and move on to the next stage with.

That's No Way to Live a Life (part 2 of 2)

Noodle King recently introduced me to his concept and lifestyle...
Basically, buy whatever you wish for and you will somehow get the money for it. That's the lifestyle he has been taught to live by his parents. His point is, you have a lifestyle that you're accustomed to, then you will work hard for it as well, then the money will flow. Worrying about saving money and where your next pay would come will get you no where, at least that's how stated it.
You see, Noodle King is rich dude... He earns like a lot of money, lives an extravagant lifestyle with his wife and kids... doesn't have a house, has no savings... which I found a bit weird for a man of his stature.

My parents lives a very humble lifestyle for their earnings and their assets. I do not like their way of 'earn as much but spend as little' lifestyle, but I do understand it's merrit as well. It taught me to understand the value of money, however it also taught me 'fear' as an underlining mentality in life.

I wish that the right way for me to live is some sort of a balance in between... A balance that I am yet to find, but hopefully it'll be the right way for me to live and find happiness...

The Boy with No Toys (part 1 of 2)

I remember a long time ago, nearing 20 years actually, I was particularly fond of some action figures which were highly popular at the time. I saved my allowances in the hope of being able to buy at least one of them. As time went on, there were so many different types to choose from and so many different version, with limited money, I was not able to make up my mind which to buy. In the end, I didn't buy any of them... The money? I continued to save throughout my school days and in the end I had to use all of them for my relocation for my job in Boston.
Last year, I was actually able to save quite a large portion of my salary and bonuses... I was quite proud of it, until I realized in the end I have nothing. It was just a number that I have on my mind, but in reality I am still empty handed...
There was no actual joy or pride that I got from my thrifty lifestyle, or rather it was the mindset I was accustomed to since early age.
This year, I was determined to buy anything that I always wanted with the money I have at my disposal. Even though I have bought a few things and have a budget for most of the things I wish for, I am still kind of apphrensive towards this situation. Although, I am going to buy that PS3, who cares what other people say, it's the most kick ass gaming console out there!!
Up till the moment I am writing this very piece, I remained very confused to the financial life style that is suitable for myself.

When life is bad...

I remember once a Sensei told me, “ When your life is bad, do Kendo! Then your Kendo will become good, then your life will become good.”

It took me 3 years to understand what he meant that day. At the time, I was going through quite a difficult time in my life and as usual I was starting to let go of my Kendo.

Of course that message cannot be taken literally, at least not the way the sentence was formulated. Bear in mind, he had a limited command of English grammar and quite a few drinks at the time he gave me that advice.

Kendo cannot make your life good, in the sense that Kendo is not a direct solution to your problems. However, doing Kendo may strengthen your inner self and prepare you for whatever challenges ahead. At least that’s how I interpreted the advice up till now.

I once told myself that no matter how many aspects in my life I am juggling, Kendo should always be the core that holds it all together.

Looking at my present situation, still to this day it’s quite easy for me to neglect my Kendo whenever things go bad or overwhelming, especially when Kendo itself becomes increasingly difficult and challenging.

Sometimes I wish that Sensei gave me the advise on what to do when Kendo becomes bad…

Challenges Ahead

Mr. KKawa taught me a new type of drill this past Saturday. Whenever I am to do fast men basic practice, he told me to take a semme forward, wait for the opponent to show opening, and then strike immediately. The first time I did it, he told me it wasn’t good enough because my semme was only a step forward, there was no energy forward. I tried it again and again, I think I gotten better at it… However, Mr. KK still thinks that I have yet to understand the concept of it. He said that at the level of 3-4 Dan, one should not only know how to hit, but also understand when to hit and the concept of semme. This similar notion has been mentioned before by Mr. SMura before, basically he said something like,” knowing how to hit is not enough!”.

My health hasn’t been well in the past week. Perhaps it’s the weather, perhaps it’s work, perhaps it was other things… I decided to go to practice on Saturday and use whatever energy I had that day. Surprisingly I didn’t do as badly as I thought I would. Perhaps because I realized that I didn’t have too much energy to begin with, thus I wasn’t trying to conserve energy or anything like that, instead I just gave everything onto whatever opponent was in front of me at the time.

After practice though, I was spent! I couldn’t even wake up the next day and my joints still hurts until this moment.

D-Tox

Whew, I was overwhelmed by work in the past few days that I barely had time to catch up with anything else. Kendo is still in hiatus just like the past week, even though I am starting to feel the itch to get back to it. Work out is still going strong, aside from work, that is one thing that I cannot afford to let slip.

This past weekend though, whoa... I must have over ate or something, and I was feeling it for the next days too!!

I guess healthy eating habbit does have it downside after all, for me at least. Usually when I do eat out, it was at minimal quantity that I didn't have to worry about it afterwards. This past weekend I had to eat out a lot, hanging out with friends or family gathering. The next few days I was feeling bloated, constipated, weak and bad mood. I guess my body isn't used to processing so much fatty food at the same time and alcohol to boot. I immediately went into detox, stopping solid food and drinking an insanely amount of home made apple juice. It worked and all the bad energy floated off the next day or so.

I guess I have to really watch what I consume these days...

Spinning Plates

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed these days, it seems that there are a lot of things on my mind that I have to attend to...
From work, Kendo, working out and dieting, my social life, dating life, etc, everything just seems to sap my energy away from me. It seems that every aspect needs me to concentrate more on them...

Kendo, I have been doing badly at practice and it just gives me an extra burden to regroup and concentrate my effort. Easier said than done, it seems that the harder I grasp the faster it flows out of my grasp. I feel the pressure from myself as well as the expectation from my teachers.

Work, well work is work, but I am enjoying it so far... I am just being extra careful that I don't slip up on this one, because I can't afford to slip up on this one.

Work out, well I am getting stronger and I seem to be able to maintain my current weight. However the work outs does get harder and longer... Not that I am complaining, I am not feeling too much pain and my back feels good. However, the work out was supposed to be a supplement to my Kendo, instead it has taken a great deal more out of my life.

Dating, hanging out with friends does takes it toll. Especially when it feels like the direction isn't very clear. I still stay in contact with Provocateur and Belly Dancer. However I feel that I am doing this out survival not for love.

I also have some hung ups in my mind that I need to settle. I should buy a car, I have been dreaming about it for so long, I have got the budget, I just need time to actually find one that is suitable. I am still mulling the idea getting a TV and home theatre system for my room.

I guess I better tackle these items one at a time, at the right time. So I won't get even more overwhelmed.

Slam Awakening

I just realized that I haven’t been active in Kendo for at least one month now, sure I have been to practice here and there, but nothing regular and I never really got my rhythm either. I was reminded of that last Sunday both by the senseis and by my own body. SMura Sensei paired me up with Mr. Concorde for the entire basic practice. I basically had to give everything I have in me to match Mr. Concorde’s speed and intensity. After basic practice I was totally drained, I wasn’t short of breath but even breathing was tiring for me.

I only had one more keiko left in me at that point and Mr. SMura picked up on that. It was a terrible keiko for me, I am ashamed that I had stoop to that level yesterday. Mr. SMura basically had his way with me and even slammed me to the ground at one point.

This is rude awakening for me, I HAVE to get back to Kendo, I have left it behind for too long now. Juggling my work, private life and Kendo is indeed a challenge, but I have done it once before, I am sure I could do it again…

To Song5

This pretains to the previous comment I have written in regards to what I thought of your Kendo. I apologize if I haven't been as helpful in the past, not because I didn't want to, but because I view myself as a fellow student on a similar journey as yours. There are perhaps a little tips here and there I could share with you, since what you are going through now, chances are I have been there before.
Kendo is an eternal inner struggle. When you are at the dojo facing an opponent, it is infact you are facing yourself. Within your inner mind, the opponent does not exist. It is yourself that you have challenge and defeat; your fears, your doubts and confusions. For when you have defeated an aspect of yourself, you will then become a stronger person, not only in Kendo but in life as well.
Please do not get discouraged even when you are frustrated.

Insomnia Music Theatre

I've been practicing my guitar again this week, since I am away for work in Sumatera.
Even though I haven't stuck to the lesson materials, I think I am able to play a couple of simple songs which cords I have downloaded.
I am able to play Every Rose Has its Thorns again, although I am still unsure with a couple of cords/lines they show on the internet. I think whomever uploaded it may have made some mistake there.
I have also started doing my subburi practice again, which I have neglected for so many weeks now... Even though my arms and shoulders feel strong from all the work out I have been doing, it felt a bit stiff when I started my subburi yesterday. Today, it felt a bit better, but I think I will have to keep doing it so it won't stiff up again.

Zuko Alone

The title is taken from one of the episodes of my current favorite series. The character mentioned is one that I can identify myself with the most. I feel that the writer did a great job in portraying the inner struggle of boy and his acceptance of his true identity and destiny in becoming a man. Like Zuko, I also had my share of inner conflict and bout, for many years in fact. It wasn't until I realize there is no use dwelling in hate and anger, because hate and anger is a killer, it makes us weak and lost.
Leaving all the behind isn't an easy task, it takes real courage, patience and lots energy, and surely it takes time as well. It is only after we leave all our anger and hatred behind that we can begin to see ourselves in a new light and discover our true destiny. We can then channel our 'inner fire' into our drive and focus for us to chase our destiny...

Roller Coaster

I would like to apologize if my recent entries hasn't made much sense to some of y'all. It's just that a lot has been happening to yours truly as of late, and not a lot of it has made much sense yet.
It seems that I have been in a roller coaster ride of emotion and growth in the past couple of years. As if I am going through a crash course on everything that I was supposed to know by now. Perhaps due to my nature when I was younger, I was avoiding many things while I should have faced them head on and now nothing can hold the tidal wave any longer and everything came rushing to me in a short period of time.
However, somehow all of this has made me strong enough to keep relatively in focus and perspective for my own goals. Perhaps the worst is yet to come... In any case, I think I better learn to surf these waves better...

Game Set Match

Well, just when I thought there was none or little hope, a new wind seems to blow towards my direction.
Honestly, I feel the Force is strong in this one. Perhaps even stronger than me by far... However, she seems intriguing and fun... I am a bit confused how I should go about approaching this one, however it is challenging...
She just threw me a major curve ball the other day that I didn't see coming...
We'll see how I would at bat for this one.

Road Weary

I was in Bandung the last few days for a family reunion of sort, also to take time to visit Provocateur. I had the chance to spend some time with her, although it wasn't enough I don't think. However, from the time I spent with her and from the things that happened in the past week or so, I've got this feeling that as promising as this possible relationship may be, I think the distance and lack of exposure would be totally draining and perhaps it would possibly implode.
I think I will lay off Provocateur, my life is in Jakarta now, with me dividing my time between Jakarta and Palembang, I don't think starting a long distance relationship in Bandung would be feasible at this point. Sure, she can visit me in Jakarta and I can go to Bandung from time to time. However, as we speak, I have missed 3 weeks of kendo among other things... and how long can she keep up with visiting me in Jakarta?
Of course NTX keeps insisting that I should give it a try, however I don't think even he can comprehend that the price to pay is just too high for me.

I am due back to Palembang tomorrow for work, and when I get back I think my Kendo is awaiting for me. For sure, I have to start practicing for the upcoming tournament in July? Also I have to start practicing kata with TTKuma for the demonstration in October. To prepare for this, I have arranged to alter my weight lifting routine to accomodate my Kendo practice.

Vacation Cut Short

Apparently my sickness last entry wasn't the end of it. This past weekend, I was feverish, major headache and I thought like I was going to die. They took some blood tests, the result was I was fine, no dengue, no malaria, no typhoid or anything like that. As soon as I got better, I was up and about to meet up with a certain someone who adamantly came and visit Jakarta even though I told her I was sick... Thank god I did so too...
Anyways, all these sickness, Singapore trip etc, have put a major wrench on my dieting and work out routine. I was planning on taking a break in the month of May, but I think I gots to cut my vacation short and it's GO time again, folks...
After all, who knows where'll end up visiting in the coming months... I gots to be in my best shape.

Provocateur

I have been down for the count in the last few days, bad flu symptoms I think. I may have caught it from my sister while I was in Singapore. My whole body was aching, I couldn't sleep, headache, slight fever and nasal congestion as well. My work was affected, not to mention my work out routine as well, even to this day, while I feel better, my joints still hurts.
Anyhow, I was recently introduced to Provocateur by NTX... I don't know what it was, but I had a strange feeling that the chemistry was right, from what I can see, I think she's feeling the same way too...
We've been talking on the phone for the past few weeks, trying to find time to see each other again... See, I live in Jakarta while she lives in Bandung, it's a 2 hour car ride in between. It's not the car ride that kills me, it's finding the time to go to Bandung. I have a lot of commitment in Jakarta, with work, Kendo, work out and my friends, if I want to go to Bandung, then I will have to leave them all behind and it's difficult.
Provocateur, what can I say about her? She's a fiery one, but she has a mature attitude and good head on her shoulder despite her tender age. She's also told me that she was prone to getting into fist fights while she was young... That makes me wonder, I remember Queen of Diamonds also told me that she was prone to getting into fights while she's young... What does it say about me when I am attracted to these... women with violent tendencies?
Anyways, I hope we can come up with a plan or compromise on how to each other more often... Otherwise I don't think I can make this work...

Rediscovering an Old Friend

You know, Singapore is pretty boring when you have nothing much planned and you're not traveling with your friends. However, this time, I got to meet up my old friend Zen...
I actually knew Zen when we were still in the University together, but I didn't really got close until both of us were working in Boston. At the time, both of us were pretty much alone in the city, know nobody and looking for friends... He was a bit luckier than me in terms of his employment, he had a higher position and got to enjoy some of the profits as his company went IPO. However, during that height, it was when his problems started... I think it was stress related, he started having headaches and pains that he couldn't explain, not long before that he disappeared.
It was afterwards that I found out he went into seclusion in a Buddhist temple somewhere in Thailand for a few years to try to find solutions to his problems. He stayed there for a while and even contemplating to become a Buddhist monk. After he fought through his stresses, he came back to Singapore an enlightened and vegetarian… He still has a job and everything, but I think he had a change of outlook in his life.

I had a brief chance to share with him some of the problems I am going through because I felt the he may be one person who could understand and perhaps share a bit of insight to what I am going through. Since he’s enlightenment and merciful outlook and all…

Well, I gots his email address and phone number to stay in contact in the near future. Its kinda good to reconnect with an old friend.

Hold On, Wait a Minute...

Song5 approached me earlier before Kendo practice today and asked when I came back from Singapore... When I asked how she knew, she said she read it on my blog... So, I re-read my blog entries and realize, I didn't write anything about me going to Singapore this past few days... How did she know? Did I wrote it down somewhere without realizing it?
Oh well...

I had practice with Song5 earlier today... While her basics and movements were excellent, there were other things that affected her Kendo. She was passive and even stopping mid-step, doubting her own moves. I commend her for her work ethic and humility in Kendo, however her problem is not of her physical aspect, but of her mental and emotion... I believe for her to take the next step forward, she must first conquer her fears, doubts and lack of confidence... Take a look inward, Song5, face your fears, conquer them and I believe you can...

Ehem, now to the matter at hand, has other people been reading my blog? Hmm, maybe I should be careful what I say now... on second thought, naaaaah! Why should I? I'm Rick James, b*tch!!!

Neutral Jing

To coin the phrase of my current favourite TV show (Appa, yep yep!!), Neutral Jing is a mental stance taken by some of the characters on the show. It was described as somewhere in the middle between positive jing (offensive) and negative jing (evasive)... One who takes the neutral jing, waits and listen to their surrounding and environment for the precise moment to attack or counter...
Even though it is a children show, I think they may be on to something here...
In Kendo, when we first started doing live practive, we were clueless and unsure what to do, thus what we should do was to attack non-stop until we figure out what the perfect distance (maai) and timing ought to be. I think it could be described as turning our positive jing into a neutral jing... The objective should enable us to see, listen and feel our surrounding, i.e our opponent and ourselves, see their movement, feel their pressure to find the precise action and precise timing we have to do to counter or balance theirs.
I am in no way mastering or preaching this thought, it's just something I figure I need to do and learn in my own life and Kendo.

Soul Vacation

I had some reservation regarding last week's work trip to Sumatera, after all I think somehow the solution for my recent problems in avoiding to be alone for an extended period. Then at one point, somehow I got better, I tried to keep busy by doing work and talking to my friends at night when I have the time, planning for the weekend, etc.
I actually have been starting to be able to go to sleep at a relatively normal time now, without Xanax... Whatever it is I am going to do, I will do it at my own pace...
Again I have to thank my circle of family and friends for their continued support.

I am taking a bit of time off from Kendo, I feel a bit of soreness on my lower back. I am also due for my next check up in Singapore next weekend.

Runnin' on Empty

The last few practices, I have been focusing my effort on 'empty mind', not blue printing or over-analyzing what my opponent is attacking next. Therefore I will have the 'freedom' to move in my mind and with my body in Kendo. So far I think the result is mixed, of course there were times that it was due to my own weakness and carelessness, but other times I was able to run on feeling and succeeded.
Today, Mr. S advised me to keep practicing on my kote attack, so that it would be more sharp... but also as an opening for my men attack. He told me that there are different kind of kote and men attack, not just the basic form we usually practice. He advised us to take time during each basic sessions, to learn our own timing and different variations of the same attack.
We also starting to talk about our planned Kendo training trip to Japan next year.
That Mr. S is certainly an interesting character, more than meets the eye.
Today's practice was short, me and Mr. Golden Hair had an interesting practice. I think I over excitedly knocked him down on one of my men attack and he knocked me down next in retaliation. I was dazed for a bit, but I shook it off... It was all in good fun though, no problem.

Speaking of empty, it looks like my sleeping problem crept out on my again. I have been having problem sleeping and having strange nightmares... I immediately went to my trusted Chinese doctor and my home... Well, I found that there more problems on the horizon rather than my own...
Anyways, to be short, the doctors advised me to keep active, to keep companies, so that I won't be alone and 'empty'... so that crazy thoughts wouldn't creep up my mind and disturb me as well. I was also prescribed some xanax, the first in my case... I should take them should I feel difficulty sleeping.

Don't Count Me Off Just Yet...

A while ago, when I mentioned that I am trying to work on my body, to get in shape... a certain 'someone' said, "dream on..."
Well, I kept on dreaming, I kept on working on it too...
Guess what? In December, during my lowest point, I weight and measured myself, I was at 35% body fat... today, I couldn't believe I am at 20% body fat!!! I will re-test again in 2 days, just to make sure it's not a fluke... The news just gives me the extra boost to keep on going!!
So next time, 'someone' or anyone says, "dream on..."
Guess again!!

Of course I have to give credits to the people who have helped me in the past :
Jose Garcia, for teaching me how to work out in the first place.
Dr. ABC Wong, for starting me off on this diet program.
Shakespeare in Love, for showing me his 8 pack abs...
Bambang Suhandi, my current trainer, for teaching me to pace myself and keeping me safe after injury.
My supportive family...

Residual Image

From time to time the thought of Queen of Diamond crept into my mind. On the surface it could be described as 'missing' her...
However, I realize that Queen of Diamond in real life and the one in my mind is perhaps two different entity and what I have in my mind is just a residual image of her, or rather, residual image of my feelings for her from before. What I actually miss is to honestly and truthfully care for someone as I once did for her.
The journey that I am traveling on now, even though I seek happiness in the truest sense, I couldn't help but to shut off my feelings from time to time to avoid anxiety and complications. Even though I am not alone most of the time, it does feel lonely at times...

Old Faces...

Today's practice was quiet a tough one. On top of the usual hot weather, I was also suffering from lack of sleep and some stomach ache. Needless to say, I had to excuse myself a couple of times for a bathroom break every now and then.
Mr. S injured his shoulder today, thus he was unable to practice with us. Instead he spent his time teaching young children and beginners.
I had my first keiko with Teacher K today. He's a fast one, but a fun one as well. I enjoyed our time immensely today. We had a back and forth battle for a while there. I was able to keep my concentration as well as an open mind, perhaps I don't really have a blue print for his kendo, but I know that he has very good hand speed, making it extra difficult to hit kote on him and his height makes it a challenge for a men attack as well.
Another notable keiko was with Ms. KK, she is perhaps the opposite of Teacher K. She is short and very quick, I felt like I was fighting Yoda in Star Wars. Neither of us wanted to risk our size and distance advantage thus the keiko was sort of a stalemate for a while. Mr. S, reminded me halfway to not wait, but to initiate offense instead. Ms. KK also reminded me of my stutter steps before attacking instead of taking advantage of my distance. Aside from avoiding getting hurt, I was also being careful with my direct attacks since it would be very easy opponents to detect and counter. To this day, I am still not sure if my stutter step is correct or incorrect... Perhaps I should ask another sensei about this.

Today, I received word that Speed Demon wanted to rejoin practice. Speed Demon was our Ace during the KL tournament 4 years ago. His presence is indeed missed... Aside from work and family, his reason for absence was because he felt so much pressure during keiko and in practices. I tried to assure him that such pressure is also part of his journey in Kendo that he must conquer and achieve, to make his Kendo and essentially his life better.
I introduced Speed Demon to Mr. S and Mr. K, whom preceeded to gave him some useful Kendo advise to improve his kendo. I could see that the speed force is still with him, perhaps it'll take him a couple of months to readjust himself to the basics and move forward... I hope he can take this personal challenge, I know with the guidance of Mr. S and Mr. K, he is in good hands.