House of Cards

Master Djedi coined the phrase to me last weekend whilst we were conversing about the state of my emotions. Even though I feel like I know myself and I am focusing on my goals as a person, there are times when something happens, even a minor nudge, could cause my well being to come crumbling down like a house of cards.
The confidence and well being that I can only build slowly over time can disappear just like that, no matter what I do or where I turn it only make the matter worse. While I can maintain my own focus, however it's the lost of direction that burdens me heavily.
In Kendo, the term Heijo Shin refers to the state of mental even-ness and calm-ness whenever faced even with grave danger. I've been trying to train myself hard to be able to stay calm in all situation, not being afraid or fazed during training sessions, hoping that it will carry over to my life somehow. I felt I have made some progress, however often times I feel that I still have a long way to go. I keep having to re-start stacking up my deck, one card at a time.

"I need inspiration, not just another negotiation"

Too Hard to Handle

Today was the first Sunday practice I've been to in the last 3 months, perhaps it's the first Sunday practice I joined this year! It's been a while that I lost count...
The weather was merciless as usual in our non-air-conditioned JJS practice facility and the training, well... I found that I'm still not at my ideal cardio conditioning just yet, let's put it that way. I need to put in more training and perhaps less smoking or something. Mr. S commented that perhaps I should be his roommate and train with him morning and night.

Mr. TTKuma led today's basic practice, the emphasize was on big, fast and strong swing on every hit and drills. No pauses in between hits for kote-men and more importantly, no pauses in between upswing and downstroke on every hit. Needless to say, it was a very intense albeit not very long basic practice. Plus, we need to conserve our energy for our last match with Mr. F.

Before my turn with Mr. F, I was calm (maybe from being tired) and determined to not think too much about winning or what point to score, instead to do my best Kendo. This is not as easy as said, because despite his age and conditioning, Mr. F's Kendo is very complicated and unpredictable. One can caught off guard easily and beaten by Mr. F's experience and tricky attacks.
I was quite cautious during the beginning of the match, trying not to do too much wasted movements or attacks, then it happened... To this moment, I am still not quite sure of the play by play. I remembered that we collided when we attacked at the same time and my arm/elbow was on his face mask, I did a little push with my shoulder and arm... Then suddenly I saw maai (distance) and suki (opening), I instinctively took advantage of it. I scored a men hit and I took the match.
I know that it was not a beautiful attack, it's something that my friend ATW called a garbage point, certainly not as beautiful as Ms. KK's ai-men score on Mr. F today.

After the match, I had the opportunity to practice with Mr. K and Mr. S.
I had a good time re-learning timing and semme with Mr. K, I think both of us had some good hits on each other and he looked like he enjoyed or session as well.
Mr. S was aggressive and I was suckered a few times in the beginning before I found my own rythm. He advised me to learn semme to hit kote instead of relying on hand to eye coordination, baiting the opponent to hit instead of hitting whenever I see the opponent move.

After practice, I made sure I loaded up on vitamins, isotonic drinks and of course, protein shake... I didn't want to felt sick from over training like I did yesterday.

To know and to be...

The other day I was chatting with a friend of mine K...
We were talking about the current stage of our life, work and love life. The topic of marriage came about as K was talking about her own experiences with romance. She mentioned her refusal of 'settling down' with some guy who's head over heels with her because she felt no attraction. Amidst the peer pressure, due to age and culture, she felt the burden and confusion.
I think her refusal is not for 'settling down' but instead to 'settle'... I strongly believe that she is right to look for someone that's right for her instead of someone who's in front of her.
Everyone SHOULD be looking to a great life for their own future benefit, instead of just settling with what they currently have. Someone once said that "the enemy of a great life is a good life". Often times we avoid taking chances with our lives for the fear of losing what we got. I say, do not regret things that you've done, only regret things that you didn't do.
With that, everyone is different, yet everyone is full of potential. My friend Master Djedi once told me, "we have to play with the cards that we are dealt". However, every once in a blue moon, a pair can beat a straight.
However, with the choices and distraction in life, I believe that our first step is to know ourselves, who we are and what we want in life before we proceed at full throttle.
Looking back on my recent years, I realized how lucky I am that trough my trouble and tribulations, I was able to finally learn more about myself, who I am, what I want and who I am not. Know yourself then you can be all YOU can be...
Now I am living a more peaceful and focused life and most important, as the great STYLE stated again and again, BALANCED LIFE. Don't get me wrong, even with my narrowed down vision, it's still hard as hell chasing everything I want. Work, Kendo, be in better shape, knowledgeable, family, social life and fun are a lot of things to work on. Money we can get, it's the time and energy that we can't help.
Some may see my current life as boring and mundane. Don't get me wrong, it gets repetitive, frustrating and lonely at times. However, there's an underlining joy in working towards something, goals that you believe in. Settled down, perhaps I am... Settling, hell no I ain't...

Au Revoir

Today I got word that Mr. F is confirmed to leave and go back to his home country for good. Perhaps his employers decided to best utilize his talents and experiences back in the home office. It is true that Mr. F and I have not always saw things eye to eye, I however have great respect for him. Not only he has a long history and effort in starting Kendo in Indonesia, but also his ability as a leader to get things done despite many obstacles. Most of all, his wise crack comments will be missed a great deal.

Good bye Mr. F, I hope you will have a great life ahead of you and I am looking forward to meeting you again perhaps for the last time this coming weekend.

The nature of fear...

In regards to my own doubt/inability to exercise my full Kendo during tournament situation, my friend AWT mentioned perhaps this is due to the lack of tournament experience on my own part. It is true that despite my training experience, my tournament record and experience has been lacking. In some ways is due to the isolated nature of our dojo from other countries/events.
I did missed an opportunity this past February due to my injury as well.
Perhaps I would have to devise some ways or to make time to get as many opportunities as possible for myself to join events abroad.

Mr. Dissappear

First of all I would like to apologize to my teachers and team mates for being absent for the past couple of weeks now. Sickness and work did got the better of me. On top of that, there was a family matter that required a great deal of work and preparation for myself to help out.
Now that it is over, I will try to go back to practice as soon as I can.
However, rest assured, I am still working on my physical conditioning even when I am not in the dojo.
Other than that, I suddenly have this inclination to try to learn how to play the guitar. Its nothing serious, just something constructive to fill my spare time so to speak. Trust me, it's harder than it looks. I found out that I lack finger reach and strength to tap the strings in the right place. Right now I am only doing finger practices on the scales, it's boring I know, but before I can do this, there's no way I can play any chords, let along any songs.

Right foot forward...

In regards to my forward motion problem while striking...
My close friend AWT mentioned something that makes me wonder...
He ask whether leaving behind my left foot could be the problem. When the left foot is left behind, the whole balance changes and effects the motion and strike.
Perhaps I will pay extra attention next practice.
This is Kendo, even in every strike, I can't relax or not pay attention...

NTX

I have been friends with NTX since I was in high school.
Even though he was (is) one of the popular boy in high school, he never made fun of me and has been my close friends since now.
The path of our lives took us to different directions, we still try to keep contact. I was sad whenever I heard he was in trouble, you see... he got what you called an addictive personality...
Basically he squandered off 10 years since his high school and university getting high on whatever he could get his hands on...
He has come a long since then. He even quit drinking all together... A family man, and a business man running his family business.
I am proud of NTX and hope he will continue his current state of sobriety.

It's all in my head...

Sometimes I feel ashamed when I looked at my teachers... Mr. Concorder, Sergeant H, Mr. SMura, Mr. W even Kuma1977. They are so far ahead in Kendo than I am yet they are even more hardworking than I am. They truly passionate about kendo and not affraid to study Kendo and critize themselves.

After I got back to Kendo I found myself having to start from the beginning again.
I have lost a lot of my stamina, my muscle control even my spirit and mentality.
Sometimes I even found myself feeling angry when Sergeant H was pushing me in practice, I felt angry thinking that why is he trying to hurt me? Didn't he know that I am recovering from injury? Then I realize something, sometimes life doesn't care if you're sick, recovering or tired, anything can happen to you whenever and nothing you can do to prevent. The only thing you can do is to prepare yourself...

Now I have to start eating healthy again, go back to gym and re-work my stamina. I am amazed how much stamina I have lost, more amazed to realize that I was in quite a good shape before of my injury. Now I have to start to REALLY TRY instead of pretending to try...

Four months later...

With the doctor's clearance, I was finally able to start practicing Kendo again starting last week. I haven't felt any pain for a while now and I didn't feel any pain when I was practicing Kendo either.
On the surface, perhaps it seems my Kendo was still alright, but I can't help but starting to think of somethings I have to change to improve or perhaps avoid similar type of injury to my lower back.

I think there's something fundamentally wrong with my Kendo and I don't know if it's physical or mental. The problem is noticeable and has been pointed out to me by Sergeant H and my friend TWT, right after my Men strike, the momentum of my body seems to go upward and not forward as it should be. This has caused me not being able to utilize my body size for tai-atari and perhaps have caused my lower back to bear the burden of body's momentum.
TWT also pointed out that due to my 'upward' momentum, I am easily knocked down or pushed back after tai-atari.
Before my injury, I have practiced subburi and my leg strength to try to fix or compensate for this problem. To this day, I am still puzzled on how to start fixing this problem. Perhaps the problem is not physical? Perhaps it's mental? Maybe I am afraid, thus sub-conciously I move my body backward when I going to strike or seme? This is also one point I need to address...

Aside from that, I notice that in tournaments, I seem to not able to utilize my whole ability. It seems that I only try to safe kote attacks and not try to do my true Kendo. I think this is from my fear of losing, especially to someone with equal level or lower... While when I'm practicing with my teachers, I am able to enjoy myself whether in losing or hitting. I think that way I am able to utilize my full Kendo.

All these questions I have in Kendo, somehow corresponds to my daily life, will it be work or my social life. Perhaps in life I am still confused, not focused and not brave enough to just go forward... Long ago, Kiyota Sensei mentioned the concept of Sutemi, go for broke! To let go of yourself and just go, this is something I have to keep learning.

Four months ago...

Late November, during an unbelievably cold Seoul winter time...

Life was great, I was in a relationship, on a vacation with my buddy Rockett, everything seemed to have a direction. I felt I was going somewhere, in my job, in my life, even in my Kendo.
I even told Rockett to expect a wedding invitation within the next two years.

Little did I know...
Within a month, it seems everything was taken away from me.
The relationship ended without any clear reason...
I also felt a sharp pain on my left leg, as if I was being electrocuted whenever I was standing or walking too long and when ever I stand in kamae. Later the doctor diagnosed it as a pinched nerve caused by swollen discs on my vertebrae. Without question, I was unable to exercise, much less practice Kendo.
I am not exactly a Bible reading kinda man, but the events that happened to me in December reminded me of the Story of Jobe. Like him, I am unsure why this had happened to me, neither did I know how I should go on.

Kendo has been a big part of my life since I started it, at the beginning it was an activity to test myself, to prove to myself that I will not quit this physically demanding sport even though at the time I have never done any sports in my life. As I continued on, I realize there's more to this martial arts than just hitting someone with a stick, somehow it corresponds closely to my life.
Perhaps I have to thank Kiyota Sensei in Madison, WI for teaching us the history and philosophical aspect of Kendo before we actually did any hard training. Whatever he taught us, it got me through some very difficult period both in Kendo and in my life.

Now faced with a lost of direction, and without Kendo I was indeed truly lost.