Finally Practice Log Again...

I know I haven't wrote anything about Kendo, or about anything else for that matter, so here it goes...

The truth is I've been practicing all the while. I haven't missed too many practices, despite my schedule and all.
Yesterday was a rarity that not a lot of Senseis showed up for practice. Only M Sensei showed up... I found that he has been getting more and more aggressive lately, either that or I have regressed without realizing it. M Sensei has launched more men attack rather than his usual parry mode, kote and kaishi do. Truthfully, I feel that M Sensei perhaps is the strongest one in Kendo mentally and spiritually. I feel that not only he has the ability to sense an opening physically but even spiritually. Even though he's not the fastest, in fact his attacks seems pretty slow at times, he seems to be able to hit the opening at the right timing. Not only to the students, even to the more powerful Senseis, such as Mr. SMura and Mr. Concorde.
That being said, I have been having difficulties fighting M Sensei lately... Not that it's ever easy in the first place. Perhaps he has seen through my pattern of attack as well...
Other than that, perhaps due to my recovering from some flu, I have been feeling exhausted in the past few practices. It's true that I've been struggling with my weight in the past few months, but I have made some headway in the past couple of weeks, thanks to the advise of the Baroness... I have also been working out as my usual schedule.
I also had a few practices in with God of Thunder and Solid Snake. While all of them were good fun practices, I begin to find something withing me...
Perhaps due to my exhaustion, I often opted to go for the safety counter of debana kote when I fought Solid Snake. He has a very fast long range men attack that is difficult to anticipate. I usually counter it with attacking his maai, playing with the distance so that he will not be able to launch his attack easily. So far this tactic has been working quite well, especially when I counter his men with my own men attack. However, yesterday I found that he exposed his kote everytime he tried to launch an attack, which I capitalized on.
Fighting God of Thunder, however is another story all together.
He is physically the strongest amongst all of us... I found myself reluctant to go in whole heartedly for an attack, which resulted in his counters... After I refocused myself, I tried again for a more direct attacks on him. The result we're probably about even, although I am dissapointed that I was not able to hit anything clear and decisive.

With the Indonesian Tournament looming ahead in just 2-3 days, I wanted to get a few more practices and workouts in. The beauty of this year's tournament... there's so many contenders that anyone could end up winning it all. Unlike before, this time I don't even care which group I'm in or who I'm fighting first... It doesn't really matter this time...

The Dream of Glory... Back Then...

I remember when I was still at the UW Madison Kendo Club...
It was the first time I've heard that there is a pretty active Kendo community in South East Asia. I was so excited that I was still able to continue fighting even after I graduated and imminently return to Indonesia. Of course being a young cocky upstart that I was, I told myself that I was going to be South East Asian Champion someday. I was pretty confident in my own skill and record, I thought the only way I could from there was up and nothing could stop me.

I have to admit that my thirst in pursuing Kendo isn't at it's height at this moment. While I still enjoy it, I don't find myself immersed in it. Perhaps due to my other activities and distractions. I am also not in my top shape at the moment, even though I am working at it... however, nothing seems to be working for the moment. I promised Master Djedi that I'd get myself ready for the next South East Asian Tournament next year somehow. Not only I'd have to get myself ready, I will have to get my team mates ready also. Even though it saddens me to have lost a few comrades along the way, I am very comfortable with the skill level and the chemistry we have now. Possibly the most comfortable we are with each other as a Kendo team. Perhaps this time we can capture the glory that has long eluded us...

I remember after my first taste of South East Asian Kendo Championship...
While it was a satisfactory result for the Indonesian Team, I was pretty disappointed with my own performance. I thought I was a non-factor during the team championship run, much less in the individual division. I was beginning to have doubts regarding my own skill, compared to my own team mates' and my competitors'. However, I was still determined to improve and make my mark in the next tournament. Yet again, I still dream that I'd be a champion someday.

The truth is however, I have lost that dream of becoming a champion. While I still haven't reached the goal I originally set for myself. Through my life, the meaning of Kendo has changed. Even though at times I forget, it is still an important part of my life. Perhaps one thing that keeping me together when times get though. Even though both times I've tried the result wasn't as good as I'd hoped it'd be, I don't know if I can sum up the energy and the ferocity that I once had. Not to mention my age and injury, I just don't know if these old legs still have it anymore.

I remember when I first started Kendo...
I was an overweight underachiever, who never puts any real effort in any endeavor in life. Kendo was the first thing I did that put me out of my own element of comfort. The first thing that I really had to try and fight in order to survive. I promised myself I'd never give up... to prove to myself more than anyone, I can do this!!

The Lines of Greens and Blues

I seriously didn't see this one coming, but as soon as I read the news, I knew had to go, no matter what!! Mr. Big reunited for an Asian Tour and was headed for Jakarta.
You know Mr. Big, right? Billy Sheehan's band? They had a couple of big hit and ballads in the early 90s, but went obscure in the US after that. Well they continued on here in Asia until a few years ago... They were big not only in Japan, but other countries like Indonesia as well...
So I called up a bunch of my friends to see if any of them are going to the concert... Apparently Lost was going with a bunch of her friends (I didn't know who at the time), so I decided to join her group...
Closing on the concert day, I found out that Lost was going with RockStar, a high school buddy of mine whom she had a history with... Well, I didn't want to pry, I decided to play it cool (dumb) and not let it affect my concert mood. In fact, it's been years since I last seen RockStar and I was very much looking forward to hanging out with him again. Oh, we also invited Solid Snake as our getaway car driver for the night... we've got extra free tickets, so...
The concert was at some beach/amusement park area... due to the magnitude of this concert, we have to park like 2 miles away from the stage area. It was fine when we were walking towards the concert everyone was upbeat, excited and happy... We even half jogged on our way, not wanting to miss a good spot for the concert...
We did in fact found a good spot... not too far from the stage. We arrived around 30 minutes before Mr. Big starts at 11 PM...
They did play a good show... but seriously, after about an hour, my body started to give... I'm 33 after all... I was like," please get this over with and play 'To be with You' already!!!"
So well after midnight, they finally did their encore and sang 'To be with You'... I still had the energy to sing (scream) along to all their lyrics...
The walk back after the concert was the toughest, I know that it was only a couple of miles... but it's 1:30 AM for God's sakes... Everyone was dragging themselves to their cars...
We didn't reach home until around 3 AM. Beat, smelly and in pain... Would I do it again? Hell yeah!! It's not often you get to see the band you like (or use to like) playing in Jakarta, I think from now I will keep my eyes and ears wide open for events like this in the future...

Episodes Revisited

During my work stay in Sumatra, I got an unexpected message from Evenstar...
I haven't heard from her in a while... While we never actually broke off contact, we never kept in touch either. It was rather pleasant to hear from her again...
From what I gathered, she still working hard at her present job, she even got offered for a permanent position. However, she is seriously considering going back to Canada next year. I guess she never felt at home here in Indonesia, it is Canada where she truly belongs... In any case, I congratulated her on her work progress and wished her the best of luck where ever her future endeavors may be.
The second news I got from her was : Queen of Diamonds is said to be getting married next year. I think Evenstar was worried of my well being when she told me the news, didn't know how I was going to react.
Strangely, I felt indifferent... both to Evenstar's moving back decision and to Queen of Diamond's marriage news... I admitted to Evenstar that I did had a hard time in the beginning with Queen of Diamonds, but it's been around 2 years now and I've let it go... no hatred no anger, no nothing...
In the end we were just feeling surprised that it has indeed been 2 years since this whole thing ended (started)...

I've got a few more stories up my sleeves, just need a good angle to write them...
Stay tuned, folks...

I don't know where to begin, because it never ends...

Balance...
That was the whole thing I was striving for for these past few years. Achieving balance in my life, my work, while I keep fighting to reach the goal...
The goal is simple enough, happiness, a life that I want, my Sanctuary. Reaching for it, however, it's a whole other matter.
A series of event somehow sidetracked me from my own course for a little while there. Some due to my own negligent, while others are coincidental factor. What surprised me the most was that how easily I was thrown off my game plan only to revert back to my previous incarnation, even after all these years and all that I have done and achieved.
Before I know it, I was off my balance, we're talking way off... I'm neglecting my exercises, my friends and some parts of my work. Close to rock bottom...
I need to snap out of this soon, and I've started doing parts of what I needed to do, while the rest... I need the support of my friends...

Looking Back...

I was backing up some files on my hard drive when I came across my old journal notes from 2001 until very early 2005. I was re-reading some of my writings at the time, I can recall various events in my life as it was written on the journal. I also recall some of the feelings and surrounding events that took place around that period.
My first impression, I come across as a whiny ass snot... No wonder I was going nowhere in life, feeling stressed and complained a lot. I also felt a little stupid as I was reading the 'partying' or girl related story lines...
A friend of mine once mentioned that reading my blog is pretty just like listening to myself speaking... Well if that's how I sounded... yeah, I could understand...
Then again, this makes me think on how I sounded on my PRESENT journal... Perhaps, if I would read this again 5 years later, I would cringe as well...

Hmm... as I was writing this, a thought occured. Perhaps my self loathing is even stronger than I thought it'd be that I dislike myself via my own writing...

Rush Order

Well, where have I been, you may ask...
Work got a hold of me that's where, then I was kinda sick for a few days, etc. Now I am back for my double shift in Sumatra. I have to get back to Jakarta this weekend for that Kendo event thing, then back to Sumatra. Man... I really need a break!

Wanted Man

Mr. SMura asked Mr. Djedi whether the excuse of my absence last Sunday for Kendo was indeed valid... The truth is while I told him I had family matters to attend to, in actuality I could not get my work out of my mind that day. I ended up staying home the whole day rushing to finish the content of my upcoming presentation. After I was halfway done, the computer crashed!! So I had no choice but to re-do everything forthe rest of the night. I think I finally finished it around midnight.
I managed to squeeze in a good hour of working out at the gym and dinner with my family during my break time.
So there you go...

A Year Older

As I meantioned, it was my birthday last week. I am officially 33 now. I think I've already started feeling like I'm 35 since a couple of years ago. There was not much fanfare for my birthday and that's just the way I liked it. I had dinner with my friends and then my family and that's about it...
I guess the older you get, the less you think about it...

Prequel to Rick James : The Swallow

As I was chatting with Swallow, I couldn't believe that it has been almost ten years since Boston and at least five years since the last time I saw her. I couldn't believe that it has been that long ago the she was the one girl that I could not get out of my mind for years after we parted ways.

We were introduced a long time ago by a mutual friend. I don't know how it happened, but I could feel an instant connection when I first saw her. Needless to say I was very much attracted to her. As time went by, we spent more and more time together and we became closer. However, as I professed my feelings for her, she declined and chose to remain as close friends. Little did I know that my decision to be friends with her would led to many unpleasant experiences for the remainder of my days in Boston.
(I've had the idea of this story for a while now, I never realized how emotional it would be for me when I'm actually putting it down to words)
Of course at the time, I have not yet learned anything that I would eventually learn about The Game, interacting with women, etc. Thus, even though perhaps there was a chance, I was too clueless to notice. I admit that we had pleasant memories of us hanging out together with friends and exploring the night life of Boston. For the most part, we were indeed close friends. However, it all came crashing that one night. My best friend from high school came to visit me during the end of my Boston stay... I could never forget his betrayal, in my car while I was driving, perhaps the single worst night of my life ever. His betrayal, her disregard of my feelings, my own stupidity. After that night, I remember it was the first time I had trouble sleeping, a symptom that would haunt me off and on until this day. While I tried to forget it, the scar never really healed and that image is perhaps forever burned into my mind.
I couldn't get her out of my mind for a few years even after we parted ways and left Boston. During the first few years of my life in Indonesia, even when I was with other women, I could often found myself longing for her. As if she was the only one for me and I need to try somehow, only I don't know how...
After a few years, eventually someone else stepped into my life and affected me the way Swallow did. She practically erased Swallow off of my mind and made herself my object of my dreams and eventually my affection. Her name is Queen of Diamonds.

My friendship with my high school buddy survived a few years after that night, until some other unrelated events transpired and I decided its best that I leave him behind and move on with my life. I have to admit perhaps the fact that I couldn't forget what happened between him and Swallow had something to do with my decision. However, as I was growing into a man of my own, there was simply no room in my life for someone like him.
My experience with Swallow also taught me not to be close friends with any women whom I am attracted to. Take it or leave it, all or nothing... I would rather risk a brief separation anxiety than to experience that night all over again. No matter what Dr. Melvi may have said, I don't think this is a decision I will change.

As I finished chatting with her, I had strangely pleasant feeling... Suddenly the memories of our time spent together in Boston came back to me. For the longest time I failed to remember our time as friends whenever I think of Boston. Even though it was a pleasant memory, it was nothing like that feeling I had for her back then... I think some things are better laid to rest...

Aristocraps

I was in Singapore last week, for my scheduled orthopedic check up as well as appointment with Dr. Melvi. I decided to meet her up there, since I could not make her time schedule when she was in Jakarta.
Coincidentally, my friend In or Out was there as well with his parents. I think he was there to accompany them for their check up. When both our schedule was free, we decided to meet up and walk around the streets of downtown Singapore, being it was the Great Singapore Sale month and all...
After a few stops here and there, In or Out insisted us to stop by a certain department store, because it has the perfume counter that he frequented. A special counter that only sells 'boutique perfumes' du Paris or something... Can't be found anywhere else in South East Asia and it cost over $100 a bottle, a 100ml bottle. Since I seldom wore perfume, unless I go out at night, etc... I was appalled by the idea of spending more than the usual brands of perfume that's available in any department store. I thought the idea was just egotistical burgueoise and gay!! In or Out on the other hand was just enjoying himself with the different brands, smells and flavors the store had to offer. I must say, some the scents were indeed interesting, but most of their prices were rather ridiculous... and the idea of it, still seem rather gay to me...
So, we each left the counter and department store with a $100 worth perfume bottle in our bags. Yeah I know, I know... I sold out, but In or Out's retort kinda got to me...
"You know Rick, there WAS a time when you didn't know what an IWC Portuguese was... "

Snake Bite

I've been doing some practices and mock matches with Solid Snake in the past few weeks. I am not sure if I'm slacking or he's improving... maybe a little of both. I found it more and more difficult to gain the upper hand with him these days. He's young, fast and a dedicated quick learner for that matter.
Recently, I have barely managed to squeak by with marginal victory or even penalties with him.
There's a mid-year tournament next month. Last year Solid Snake was able to beat God of Thunder, let's see how he does this time around...
Waitaminute...
How he does this time around? Let's see how I do this time around!!
I'm STILL Rick James, bitch!!

Time Out

Yes I know it was my birthday sometimes last week... but that wasn't why I haven't been able to put up some more of my journal entries in more than a week.
I had to travel for a little last week, rest assured, I will write something about that... plus, I am in a middle of preparing for a big presentation next week that took most of my time and attention. I think I've got most of the content down, so y'all should be expecting some more entries in the next few days...

I Gots the Need, the Need for... Limitations !? (epilogue sequel)

Don Langeo's Final Thoughts (before I told him to STFU) :

Rick James,

I can safely say that anyone quoting Tropic Thunder obviously has their
shit together and their priorities straight.
I agree that goals are good to have but do you run the risk of not
achieving a particular goal and therefore feeling that you are trapped
at a particular stage in your life.
I think I heard this in some King Fu "B" movie - the truly enlightened
man wants for nothing. If you want for nothing - you have everything.
Now snatch the pebble from my hand Grasshopper!
As far as the be all you can be vs. accepting yourself argument - I
think I fall somewhere in between. I think that everyone should strive
to push themselves to be the best person possible. However, to quote the
great Dirty Harry - "A man's got to know his limitations". A person who
does not know or respect their limitations will continually strive for
the unattainable - thereby frustrating themselves and detracting from
those things that they do excel at by focusing their energies in an
unproductive manner.
I'm glad to hear that you are enjoying Chickenfoot. When I heard about
them I figured they'd be right up your alley.
I'm looking forward to seeing you in "Fast and Furious XVll - Bandung
Drift"!

Translation to the Kamae (epilogue)

Thankfully those are the main issue bothering me at this moment. There are other things of course, but nothing too serious at this point. I have started distancing myself from my past 'hobbies' in order to gain perspective in my life, to truly reach out rather than looking from behind my walls. It is a slow process, not an instant one. I had my ups and downs with this... Mostly downers. I am worried that I might fall back into another comfort zone, ironically... I want to snap myself out of this, but in my current state, I don't know where to go or how to do it...

Mechanics of the Game

Sometimes I felt that I knew it all...
I knew when to lean in closer and when to sit back comfortably...
I knew when to listen, when to laugh and when to sympathize...
I knew when to make a witty remark, a crazy remark and a serious hint...
I knew what she truly said by the words that she chose, the position of her arms, legs and body...
I knew what she's thinking or feeling by looking at her posture, her face and her movements...
Backhanded complements, puzzling answers, sitting position, smiling expression, gleam of the eye, I learned them all and did them all...

For a while there, it was working too, perhaps too well... For once in my life, I was the one with the power, the power to choose and decide. While my conscience never actually let me abuse this power, I was however, enjoying this position very much. Until I realize something was missing, an important element, the basics of it all : the feeling.

While I know that I am far from being an expert on this and most people would just think that I'm crazy, I am pretty sure that what I have learned these past 3 years is indeed a powerful tool. A tool that I need, since I wasn't one who is natural with social skillz. A friend of mine got me into The Game and upon finishing it, I knew I had to learn more. I read more books, listened to audio lectures, online paragraphs, everything... While each authors has their own valid point and strengths in their argument, I finally chose upon a set which I found suited most with my personality. While I do not think that it is the whole factor of my social life, I do believe that it has been a great help for me these past few years...
After a while, however, everything started to be tedious, mechanical and repetitive, I felt increasingly numb after each encounter. I found that the doctrene of The Game to be the opposite of my feelings... After all, I still do not understand how you will find love without using your feelings?

Dr. Melvi had a theory... Since I went from one extreme to another in a relative short period of time, somehow The Game had backfired on me. I am using it to build more walls instead of reaching out...
As I am writing this, I am still confused. Perhaps this is the REAL cause of my stagnation. I realize the usefulness of this tool, yet I don't want to be trapped again within the same spiral. Easier said than done, it's not like it is something I can turn on/off like a light switch.

I Gots the Need, the Need for... Self Validation?!? (conclusion)

Don Langeo,

It's funny that you mentioned the phrase the world passing me by because that is exactly how I feel these past few days. However, either I think you misunderstood my point a little bit or I am the one who's actually confused. The point of the sports car is not that I need material validation of who my own being.
"I know who I am! I'm the dude, playing the dude disguised as another dude!"
Instead, it's one of the goals I have set for myself in life that I need to achieve before I move on to my next stages in life. I want to someday favorably look back to thing I have done, rather than what might have been. We all know that our goals changes from after time... well, this one has been bugging me over the past 10 years! I think it's about time I put it to rest and get it over with.
Since you mentioned it, what's your opinion on the whole be the best you can be vs accepting who you are issue? I believe I wrote about that a little while back.
However, I assure you this is not the case where I need materials to validate my own existence. It's just that I need to move on and I need something fast to move on in...
What kind of car am I gonna get? Well, money and availability is the most important issue. I can only get a used car and sports cars are not so easy to come by here. I don't think I can find a 1967 custom faded yellow Chevy Camarro with black racing stripe, plus I am not too familiar with engines, etc... Most likely? BMW or Japanese imports... at this moment, anything 2 seaters with a minimal of 3 litre engine is under consideration (except for a Subaru). I just can't believe a certain movie franchise about illegal racing has this much hold over me.
I was loving Chickenfoot when I listened to them last night. Basically, I am loving any band out there who plays straight out rock and roll these days. However, Chickenfoot sounds like Van Hagar with Steve Vai trying to prove to the world that he's better than Eddie. Saying that, of course Velvet Revolver is essentially Guns and Roses with a replacement (no less crazy) singer. Having said that, I loved them all!!

I Gots the Need, the Need for... (part 2)

My Comment :
Don Langeo,
I am honored that you have given your time of day at this... time of day to grace me with your wisdom... I pray that may your first child be a masculine child...
(at this moment, I am feverishly illegally downloading anything that is
connected to the name Chickenfoot)
I view the sports car question is more than just an issue of my current financial and dependant status. Psychologically, I view as a step in the process of my own 'healing', 'being' and 'self-actualization'. Not blaming, rather than accepting and acknowledging, I think I didn't have a totally happy childhood, especially my teen and post teen years.
This has caused me to have a 'root programing' based on self-loathing and low self esteem. Always having in mind that I am not good enough and not deserving certain things in life... Perhaps you could remember my often angry state of mind a few years back.
Through the events of my recent years, things I went through, things I have learned, I have gotten better. I have gained some of the skillz and confidence which have alluded me in the past. In the process, I became less extreme in my demeanor, more balanced... I thought I have conquered this demon, yet it still found its way to surface from time to
time. I still need to take baby steps towards the Rick James direction, to be a complete person... Trying to be the best I can be, yet accepting who I am. The sports car is a manifestation of one of these steps... I feel that by denying myself the object I desire, no matter how unimportant it is, I actually denying myself to be... Instead falling back to the same old trap and repeating the same cycle.
I realize this may sound like a self righteous, self justification
bullshit for buying a sports car, but that is how I truly feel...
I just hope that it is correct.


Don Langeo's Response :
Quoting one of my favorite scenes from the Godfather with Luca Brasi - he was always loyal to Vito. I was bummed when he got strangled.

I'm curious to hear your opinion of Chickenfoot after listening to them.

The one concern I would have regarding the sports car and your Psychological well being is that you associate material things such as cars, jewelry, etc. with your self worth. Someone will always have a bigger/better car, watch, house, etc. The key is to enjoy what you have and feel good in the fact that you worked hard to earn them - and can appreciate them even more because of that.
I applaud you for trying to be the best person you can be. However, I would caution you to not get lost in the quest and find out too late that life has passed you by. As you stated in your e-mail - I think the key is to accept who you are. Work on those things which need improving but know that perfection is unattainable. Bottom line - enjoy the toys for the right reasons - not the wrong ones.
I have to ask - what kind of sports car are you considering?

I Gots the Need, the Need for... (part 1)

These excerpts are taken from a recent correspondence I had with Don Langeo.

First Letter :
Don Langeo,
Here's one thing I wanted to ask you...
I finally have saved up some money to buy perhaps a second hand sports car... I am asking the wisdom from you, my godfather in regards to this
matter...
On one hand I know it's an unnecessary spending... However, it is something I have always wanted for a long long time now... Not to show off, but as sort of a self validation. I fear that if I hold myself back on this one thing, I could hold myself back too... you know, not following through with your dream, etc...
Also, I am single... right now I can afford it, I am not married, got no kids (that I know of)... If I hold of on this one, and who knows what happens in the future... I may get old before I know it... Perhaps the next time I will get to do is when I'm 60 or something!!

Don Langeo's Response :
Don Langeo gives you his blessing to purchase a sports car. I agree, you have no commitments at this time in your life - other than to yourself. Once you settle down and start a family you may never have the opportunity to fulfill this dream you've had. Why not splurge and enjoy yourself while you can. Should you settle down at some point you can always trade the sports car in for a mini van :-)
I noticed that once I settled in with Gina and Jeremy many of the things I thought I always wanted - cool guitars, cars, watches etc. became much less important to me. Priorities change over time - if this is something you've always wanted and you have the means at this time to attain it -
I say go ahead and enjoy it.

The part of Mexico I was in was pretty safe - I left before the big swine flu outbreak. Did you hear that Sammy, Michael Anthony, Joe Satriani and the drummer from the Red Hot Chili Peppers started a new band called Chickenfoot. I think they just released their debut CD.

Breaching Walls...

Dr. Melvi warned me a couple months ago, that her therapy may not always be pleasant. I may have to confront feelings, thoughts or memories that I have suppressed in order for me to be able to let go of my pain(s) and move on with my life. There were a couple of events that I have faced in these past few months, but most of them were not major episodes that could broke me down... Perhaps, I THOUGHT I had moved on when in fact, I was merely running away for them to catch up to me again...
Honestly, it is quite difficult for me to write this piece (even at this moment), because writing this means facing the issue, remembering them, putting them down orderly in words, instead of jumbled fragments of thoughts and memories.
In the past few years, many things happened... Sometimes drastically, to the point that I have no 'time' to recollect these events and put them in perspective. These drastic changes, some did gave the good kick in the head I needed and deserved... Others however, have built additional illusions and walls that prevented me to 'let go'.
I was up a little late last sunday night, thinking about nothing in particular, when I was abruptly reminded of my current state of social life and my past failures. I admit it's a little bit hard to take, even at this stage in my life...
Perhaps I need to break it down a little bit to simplify, even for my own understanding...

Translation to the Kamae ( Prologue )

I think aside from the Kendo interpretation, I think I could think of my recent Kendo problems as : the stagnation in my life...
If I rewind a little bit further back, I could see that some of these so-called stagnation is self inflicted... maybe it's Karma... Keep in mind that I am a person that can be confused quite easily.
So looking a little bit deeper, let us observe what's holding me back (myself)...

Akiba Syndrome

So I practically kidnapped Solid Snake to go to our new Dojo on Saturday. We arrived a bit late there, it was a full house indeed... Mr. M, Mr. KKawa, Mr. Concorde, Mr. KByashi, Mr. KGata and Mr SMatsu were already hard at practice... Solid Snake and I being the only Indonesian there, had a tough but fun practice cut out for us. Even though I had a hell of a time there... There were two or three majors advises that were presented to me :

1. Mr. KKawa commented on my kamae. He said my kamae is a product of my own comfort, not an offensive kamae for attacking. While it is nice to be comfortable in my own kamae, ultimately it is how we attack that matters in Kendo. Thus, he suggested me to move my arms forward about 1 cm during kamae, so that my stance would be more 'offensive'>

2. Mr. Concorde told me that sometimes during the moment before an attack, I would move my kamae upwards. While I deduce that's probably due to my recent tendencies to raise my shinai to attack men or (trying to) counnter using men-kaishi-do attack. Mr. Concorde told me that in an event of an offensive maneuver, it's better to aim our shinai lower, to concentrate our offense of the opponent's center or 'tanden'...

3. After he ALMOST beat me, Solid Snake commented that my footwork was sloppy... Not as smooth and crisp as before...

The next day, I went through basic practice with no problem. However, my stomach was acting up so bad after that I had through sit out the rest of the day...

To be Human...

I have been friends with Jive Tongue for many years now, in fact, he was my first close friend since I came back to Indonesia so many years ago. Even though we share many similar traits (even looks), it is Kendo that always been our connecting bond. In fact Kendo was how we connected in the first place.
Over the years, Jive Tongue and I experienced our shares of life, with its many joys and disdains. We each grew to be our current incarnations, perhaps not as joyous and similar was when we first me, but I still believe he has my back and I hope he still trust me the same way.
The main difference between us is our core belief in who we are, what we are and what we should be… our life ideology you could say.
Jive Tongue currently believes that one should be content with who they are and what they are.
While I believe that one should strive to be the best they could be.
Also, Jive Tongue usually believes he’s mostly right, while I believe that I could be wrong… sometimes… occasionally…
So, there was a moment where I doubted my own life belief. Trying to be the best you can be sure sounds good on paper, but in reality it is an endless journey of self examination, effort, toil and self loathing. If you’re successful, however, you are rewarded with TEMPORARY joy, pride and satisfaction. As soon as the euphoria subsided, you’re back to your toiling and self loathing ways…
Being happy in who you are, what you are… sounds simple enough. However, how happy can you live with yourself when you’re constantly tormented with the ‘what may have been’? Knowing that perhaps you could have done something extra-ordinary with your life but didn’t… Regret and conventionality, those are tortures not less severe than the other…
I think there really isn’t a clear answer on which outlook is the right one or which one is the wrong one. One may work best for someone, while other may work better for others… I admit there was a time recently when I first encountered this argument with Jive Tongue, that I truly doubted myself and the way I live my life. It was not until I heard the familiar voice of Brent Spiner, whom said something along the lines of…

“Striving to be better than what we are, that’s what makes us human…”

After the Break...

So it has been 2-3 weeks since I last practiced. Between my work schedule and my health, I had to take a little bit of time off in the past couple of weeks.
I came back to practice this past Sunday, just so happen that most of our senseis were away that weekend for an event in Bandung.
I had no time going through the basic practice, of course it is NOT our usual Mr. SMura Special. Just a simple format and not as intensive, of course...
My stamina was alright to get through the basic practice, which I found was rather surprising since I was still recovering from some weird ass flu, that never seem to go away.
I opted to fight my fellow students, because there weren't that many senseis around. As soon as my first fight started, I realize that I was still not 100%, the first thing I noticed was the disturbance in my Force... Although I was still able to fend off a few people, there were one or two occasion when I thought some of my juniors had a good score on me. After a few rounds, I started feeling my back sore/pain... my cue to take a rest and that was it for me that day.

Taking it Easy(er)...

So, what can I change in regards to my routines? The workouts that I thought would be beneficial towards my Kendo and my overall well being turned out to be a big drain of my energy and my health. Over training perhaps, added with my work travel schedule, it takes its toll on my body.
So what can I change? What can I do better?
I know for the time being I cannot change my work schedule, nor my traveling schedule. I also know that I cannot change the Kendo practice schedule.
What I can perhaps change is my work out schedule and routines. I think I have been building too much unnecessary muscle (weight). While I can still handle myself, I think it would be better if I could lean down a bit... Perhaps I should replace most of my weight lifting routines with other alternatives that is less muscle building oriented, but more endurance oriented for instance. Adding some of that time to the cardio portion could be beneficial as well.
The other thing that I could perhaps change is my diet. Maybe I should switch to more soy or plant based protein, instead of the whey protein I've been consuming all these times. Cutting down on my food intake could perhaps help as well...
I will need to consult with my trainer about this... I hope it will bring me some good and I will not get fat because of it.

Accidental Break

About a couple of weeks ago, I was contemplating some sort of vacation from Kendo. I was feeling exhausted, uninspired and in dire need for some rest from my routine activity. Because my current work load hasn't allowed me to take time for a real vacation (yet). However, there were some things going on in Kendo that also could not allow me to take some time off... Little did I know, my body wasn't able to take it too much longer.
I guess I am getting old, all that work, traveling, work out and Kendo take their toll. I think I feel older than my actual age sometimes...
Well, last week I started to feel it on my way back from Sumatra. I suddenly felt some sort of allergies forming on me, I couldn't sleep well, cold symptoms and all... I missed one weekend of Kendo because of that. Even though my allergy symptoms were gone after a couple of days, my body was just not having it for the rest of the week.
While I intended to rest, my work schedule was just not having it. So by midweek, I crashed. While I did (could) not miss any work time, anything else beyond that was just comprised of mostly resting. Forget about Kendo, I could not even hold my own working out at the gym today. Nevertheless, in total, I have missed Kendo for the past 3 weeks I think, so I am trying to make my comeback tomorrow...
To avoid similar situation in the future, I am trying and thinking about several things... I have not smoked for about a week, and trying seriously to quit now. I think I may have to re-think about my whole work out routine, since I have to keep in my mind that I cannot change my Kendo routine. In conjunction with the work out routine, I also may have to change my diet... I need to shed these excess muscle.
I hope it'll be enough...

Friendly Foes

So, Jive Tongue dislikes God of Thunder, while God of Thunder is oblivious to it. He still regards Jive Tongue as one of his closest friends. Jive Tongue's reasoning is understandable for people who knows God of Thunder... God of Thunder is not a bad person, even though he does act irresponsible, selfish and like an ass every so often. Then again, I just usually deal with him in a passive aggressive mannerism. Then again, God of Thunder owes me much, I think... and I am pretty much his only friend here in Indonesia, so he got no choice but to relent to me once in a while.
On another note, it seems Noodle King and Jive Tongue holds an increasing silent grudge with each other. Noodle King is a rich and intelligent dude, with all that qualifications, the giant ego also comes along with it. Jive Tongue is currently depressed, but he usually likes to be regarded as the smartest or best looking guy in the room. Strangely enough, Noodle King and Jive Tongue has known each other for a long time, for longer than I've known them.
What's my problem in regard all of these feuds? They are all my close friends, and each of them asks me to hang with them on a regular basis... without the other parties of course. This has caused me some headache...
Oh, Noodle King hates God of Thunder as well, even though they have only met a few times... and of course, God of Thunder is oblivious to this as well.

Sometimes I wish to God I don't know now things I didn't know then...

Over Kendo

I think I overdid it a little this past weekend...
On Saturday, I dragged myself to our temporary dojo at Mr. Concorde's apartment complex. The participants were myself, Mr. Concorde, Mr. KGawa and Mr. KBYashi. It was a good session, we did our basic rotations and we continued on to our Keiko sessions. There were only 4 of us, thus we were able to take our time and paces. However, since all the other attendees were of higher level than myself, I found myself having to put everything I got on the line to be able to keep up with everyone else. Especially Mr. Concorde, once we practiced tournament style, it was as if he yelled "Shazam!" and transformed into a super-being. None of my usual techniques could even touch him. Needless to say, our 'match' was over in a blink of an eye.
Overall, I was not disappointed with the practice on Saturday. Although, it did leave me when one question though... When we're at Kamae with the opponent, which is more important; to project our Semme to the opponent or to feel the opponent's Semme? I think what happened on Saturday was I was projecting my Semme to all my opponents that I neglected to feel theirs... I hope someone could help me answer this...
The next day, we had a visit from Mr. T... Mr. T used to be a member at the Jakarta Kendo Club, since he was re-stationed in Japan, he comes to visit us every once in a while. While he wasn't necessarily the strongest of the Senseis, I still owe him much in terms of my Kendo for the kind advise he gave me a few years back. I tried to present him with my best Kendo when I practiced him, I hope I wasn't disappointing. After that, I concentrated with practicing with my juniors, I wanted to try to see what level they were at as well as seeing their capabilities against someone more advance, with each other and someone in between (Solid Snake)... even if we had to go for an extra hour after the official session ended.
The result : my feet were sore for a few days following the back to back intense practice. Coinciding with a family even I need to attend, I think may take this weekend leave from Kendo, to rest and all...

Padawan

Solid Snake moved to Jakarta a couple of weeks after the Hong Kong Tournament ended. As soon as he landed, the 'problems' started... Prior to starting his employment, he didn't plan ahead on his accommodations, etc, thus he (with my help) had to scramble at the last minute to find a suitable place with the best location and at an affordable price. I realize that it's an immature thing that he did by not planning ahead, but then again there's a moment in every boy's life that he started to become a man, right? I hope that this is the beginning of it for Solid Snake.
So I try to help Solid Snake with his transition to working in a big city alone. I feel he has the potential for good in him and I hate to see it go to waste. Why do I feel compelled? Let's just say that I had a similar experience when I had to move to work to Boston with no friends, no place to stay, etc... It wasn't a pleasant period in my life and I don't wish it to anyone I know, especially my friends.
I explained to him that the most important thing for him right now is to concentrate on his job and expand his OWN wings in Jakarta... I will try to help him whenever I can, but there's only so much I can do... Mostly, he needs to do it for himself, as a man.

These Dreams...

I woke up in the middle of the night, twice...
Nothing serious, although the words of Dr. Melvi lingers in my mind this past few days...
"... you went from one extreme to another, maybe you need to take a step back..."
In fact, that's what I have been doing for these past few weeks, taking a step back and re-evaluate myself and my life style. A lot of these things that I have been doing for these past couple of years have grown meaningless and less... Often times, I was just going through the motion, to get out there and practice what The Game preaches. My Inner Balance, going out, 'show her a good time', call her again OR NOT, wash rinse and repeat. I was doing everything right, with precision, devoid of feelings.
I dunno man, since Hong Kong I started to feel some of my old emotions started showing again, I cried, I laughed out loud, some things I hadn't done in a long while, at least not genuinely. I didn't know what triggered them, perhaps it was a short, intense yet relaxing trip I had in Hong Kong. Perhaps it was just about damn time that some of my true self start to surface.
I really don't know what to make of this new development, I don't even know if this is a step forward or backwards for me. All I know is that it's making me re-evaluate a lot of things in priority list, the sports car, the watches, the trips I'm planning, my soul searching trip I am planning to go, who do I want to be with... EVERYTHING... However, life moves on. I still gotta go to work, which where I seems to be a lot at these days. I honestly, as I'm writing this right now a couple of things, a couple of people popped into my head. I still don't even have a slightest clue of what I should do about everything...
Oh by the way, I was writing this as I was watching 'Yes Man', I would totally fuck Zooey Deschanel...

The Arc of My Swing

Mr. SMura told me during our basic practice, "You're only hitting, not cutting!!". That wasn't the first he told me that, before he told me that I swing my sword like swinging a hammer not a sword. Honestly, I don't understand the difference! I followed the instruction on how to raise my arms, use my left hand as pivot point as I swing down, etc... I can here the 'swoosh' sound of the sword and yet my swing isn't correct? It is quite difficult for me to grasp the concept of cutting like a sword vs hitting like a hammer when my weapon of choice has always been my shinai. Speaking of which, I think I will order a few more good ones online.
Mr. SMura does hit harder than most people in the dojo, but not too hard that it's unbearable. Is that proper cutting technique? Is hitting harder and not letting my bamboo sword bounce off the top of my opponent's head = proper cutting? I wish someone could enlighten me on this one.
On an unrelated note, in the middle of Jakarta's blistering heat, I was feeling fine during practice. I was able to last the whole session without feeling tired or sluggish as I did in the previous weeks. I found it strange since I have not been working out at all for the previous week. This made me wonder, could it be that my schedule and my work out actually goes against my Kendo? That I am over-training all these times and not realizing it?

Meet the Rick James...

The Fear
For as long as I can remember, I have been haunted by a fear of the unknown. I don't know what caused it in the beginning, for I couldn't recall. The fear manifested well into my present form of adulthood. I fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of inadequacy, fear of possibilities... Perhaps it is the one single factor that has held me back in the past. Somehow, I have a feeling that this perhaps is hereditary...

The Doubt
I seriously doubt my ability in my everyday life. I often feel that I am not doing enough with what I have been given. Being too hard on myself, so to speak. I think this aspect has serious connection with The Fear. Along with being afraid, doubts also caused myself to be indecisive at times...

The Compassion
At times, I could show considerable compassion towards others. Especially friends in need. I don't know why... Maybe I was born this way. Perhaps also there were times in my life when I was in need when I had no one to turn to. However, more importantly was there WAS someone who helped me when I needed it... this could be my unconscious attempt in paying them back for all of the people who have played a part in my life. Speaking of which, I remember a long time ago... someone told me that my Kendo will not go far because of this... Maybe it's true...


The Rage
Well... we remember that one now, don't we? It just happened this past weekend. It used to happen more often, when it does... I didn't who's in front of me, will it be my parents, my boss, my teacher... I just go charging in like a rabid wolverine. Although I sometimes wish I have them retractable claws...
This is one aspect of my psyche I fear the most. Even though nothing physical has happened so far out of it... but it could easily destroy my life and everything I had worked for...

The Schemer
Now this one... Sometimes when I'm on, I'm ON! I can even analyze and predict events before it happens. Of course many people accused me of over-analyzing things. However, often times I could turn this trait to my own advantage. There are times that I was wrong with analysis, but then again I am usually right!!

The Trickster
I have great sense of humor, I know that, people know that... However only a few people know that I also have a warped and perverted sense of humor. I can think of the most perverted humor in many situations people regards as ordinary or even tragedy. I even do things to my own amusement... Sometimes at the expense of others... Of course so far I haven't done anything that did any damage to the other party just for my own amusement... at least, not yet...

The Outburst : Aftermath

Even though I don't feel I was at wrong for being upset/angry at Sergeant H for his behavior, a big part of me still wishes that whatever took place last Sunday didn't happen. I guess I have to be thankful to Mr. SMura for restraining me that day... I was flying hot at the time, even though I fully intended to voice my complaint through the proper channels, who knows what would have happened...
I haven't experienced the Rage for a long time... Thinking back, I think it has been at least a few years since it last happened. I remembered that I could control it even less back then, but the reason was almost similar...

This Week's Kendo Update

Wednesday's Practice
I went to practice at our temporary dojo last week's wednesday. Mainly because a lot of my friends were coming as well. Which was pretty unusual for a week night practice. Since I'm in town and free, I decided to go.
The practice was alright... It was quite tough but I had managed to pull through. I think the highlight for me was not whether I was able to hit a point or found any breakthrough during the session. Rather, there was a point during the practice that I hit the mentality of "whatever happens! I don't care!" I didn't care whether I was going to win or lose, I just tried (and tried and tried and tried) to hit men on my opponents. Whether be it the strongest Senseis or my fellow students. I don't even remember if I 'won' the points or lost the points... I remembered that it was such a relief practicing that evening. Although, I think I came down with a slight headache the next day.

Sunday's Practice
Panic at the Dojo
When I saw Stephen's body slumped face down on the floor, I immediately rushed to take off his armor so that he would be able to breath easier. Panic immediately sets in on me. The last thing our club need is an incident like this. I called out his name loudly, hoping that he was conscious and that I would hear a response. Luckily he did, I helped him up and moved to the corridor where it was breezy so that he could regain his composure. After I gave him some isotonic drink so that he could hydrate himself, my panic turned into RAGE.
Everyone's no stranger to Sergeant H's training style which is overbearing, though, lengthy and often borderline sadistic. Even I have had my own share of run in with his training method. When I saw him training Stephen earlier that morning, I thought to myself, "wow poor Stephen". I never would have expected Stephen to pass out (or worse) because of this. I was EXTREMELY ANGRY at Sergeant H for what I regard as irresponsible behavior during training. Sure, Kendo training is tough, but his training was excessive and unnecessarily so. My main concern at the time was the safety of our members, who knows what kind of problem the club could face if anything had happened to Stephen or anyone else.
Even though I was planning on passing my complaints through the proper channels... Apparently Mr. SMura could see that something was amiss with me. After all, my face looked like I was about to turn green and grow into 9 foot tall muscular monster. After the practice Mr. SMura called me over, Jive Tongue came along too, perhaps he too sensed that I was ready to turn lycan or something... After some 'aggressive advising' from Mr. SMura, I decided to 'aggressively agree' with him that he will approach Sergeant H about this matter.
After the dust settled, I saw that Stephen was alright... Later on I apologized to Mr. SMura for my outburst. It was hasty of me, but still to this moment, I believe it to be the right thing to do.

The Story so Far (part 2) : Hong Kong Tournament (No Hablo Ingles)

Even though we were hoping for a bigger turnout, it came down to :
Mr. KKawa
Mr. SMura
Mr. Concord
myself
Solid Snake
who came through for the Hong Kong Kendo Tournament trip this year.
Coming into the whole tournament weekend, I didn't really have an expectation to win it all or anything like that. I wanted to try to do the best Kendo which represents myself. Of course I didn't really expect the size and magnitude of this tournament. There were literally hundreds of people there from various Asian countries mostly, one or two whiteys slipped in there somehow.
As far as my performance goes, I think I rate myself a C+ or a B-... There were a couple of instances there when I thought it was plainly bad calls by the judges. However, there were also a few times when I thought I should have been able to do better. I think give the circumstances, I didn't do too badly. Hoping that next time we would be able to give a better showing from other Indonesian members as well.
So... whenever we are not waiting to fight or testing, in between events, me and Solid Snake usually just cracking up jokes and amused ourselves for a good part of the day. I think that's pretty much business as usual as far as Indonesian Kendo behaviour is concerned. I don't really knows how this mentality came about in the first place, and I think I MIGHT have something to do with this somehow. Compared to other country's Kendoka who mostly seemed reserved and... well... polite and well behaved. Indonesian Kendokas are known for their rowdiness, especially while fighting in a foreign surroundings. While we may rowdy and enjoying ourselves, we USUALLY never forgets our first mission when we travel, which is Kendo. However, SOMETIMES things do get a little out of hand...

The Story so Far (part 1) : Jason Mraz

So, it's been a while, I know... but I actually have been busy with work etc, that I neglected to update this journal. Work travels mostly... plus trying to keep up with my schedules of work out and Kendo, etc.
So what has happened in the past 2 months or so?
Honestly, I don't think I remember most of it... For some reasons, things were going so fast that I kinda blanked out most of them... I think it's mostly a blur working, working out, Kendo, dating, rinse, wash and do it again type of deal. Nothing too important that really stood out, trust I would've let you all know if there were.
Oooh, there was this thing.
I was able to get my hands on some Jason Mraz concert tickets about a month ago. I realize that Jason Mraz isn't the typical genre of music that I am usually into, however I first got into Jason Mraz when he had this song called "You and I Both". That song was from a while back, for some reasons the lyrics kinda... hit close to home for me. Since then, there were a few songs of his that I kinda dig, but I never payed too close of an attention. When I heard that Jason Mraz was coming to Jakarta for a concert, I wasted no time to pre-order a ticket... mainly, just to be able to listen to him sing "You and I Both" live!!
For the concert itself, I realize that he's famous for a reason. He did a great show!! All the songs, the sounds, they were all great! He even inserted parts of "Wonderwall" by Oasis in between his songs, to get the crowd going. Even though it was merely a little over an hour, I think I got my money's worth. He sang all the songs I wanted, I even got to hear some new songs which I eventually downloaded.
One thing that bothers me throughout the concert though... ALMOST EVERYONE was trying to take a picture from the stands. All the movements and hands and cameras raised in the air were just too much of a distraction and movement. No matter what camera you use, cell phones, digital cameras, penis envy lenses, YOU ARE NEVER GONNA GET A GOOD SHOT!! ALL YOU DO IS JUST BOTHER PEOPLE AROUND YOU!!

Down but not Out...

I had quite an intense practice on Saturday at one of our alternate location in Jakarta. I was surprised to see that I was the only student there, along with Mr. SMura, Mr. KKawa and Sergeant H.
Despite the uncooperative air conditioning in the room, I had to try my best to keep up with the practice.
I was already feeling kinda tough during the basic practice portion of the training... By the end of it, I knew I would not have any breathing room due to the limited number of participants. First of was Mr. KKawa...
I had a difficult time adjusting at first, I had a few hits in, but most of them were near misses. By the end of our session, I calmed down and remembered all the techniques I've discussed with Dark Knight as well concentrated harder... I was able to get a couple of good hits in at the end... I think that surprised him a bit. I was actually surprised as well...
Next stop, Sergeant H. I haven't practiced with Sergeant H for over 2 months, since right before the tournament. The reason? Well honestly I was worried about getting hurt. Since my back hasn't been in the best of conditions for the past few months, I have been kinda wary about it and of course practicing with Sergeant H isn't on the top of my to do list. Last Saturday, I decided to just suck it up and go... It went alright surprisingly. I barely had the energy to complete the whole set, but I did anyways... with no signs of pain whatsoever.
I tried to take a few minutes breather before I went and face Mr. SMura... I tried to stand up after I put on my men... Then the room started to spin... and I had to sit back down. Mr. SMura just laughed and said that I will have to double practice with him next time.
I felt tired but alright after the practice... The next morning though, I felt my whole back tighten up... in fact it's still sore and tight until today. I decided to take the next few days off to rest my back.

Vagabond

It's always an interesting feeling when you seem to recognize your own life story and experiences while reading someone else work... I had few similar experiences recently while reading one particular title... even though it's a comic book and all, I thought it was produced with amazing art and in depth story and characterization.
Vagabond was published at one point in Indonesia for a few chapters, however bad translation seems to just ruin a completely well written story. After a few issues, the company stopped publishing the title all together.
I started to slowly collect whatever English version of Vagabond I could find whenever I go abroad, Singapore for instance... Since I can't read Japanese and the English translation seems to be good enough, I have been enjoying the issues I have so far...
Perhaps it is easier for me to understand some of the thoughts and philosophy, since I am dabbling on a similar path... However there were also some other non sword related issues that I found familiar... I guess, life for everyone is rather similar after all... All the pains, all the joys that you felt at one point is nothing new, chances are someone somewhere at some point have felt them too...

Valentine Day Massacre

I had the pleasure of taking a couple of our members down to Bandung for some tournament experience this past Saturday. Since I was going down there to attend some family event anyways, I figure why not... even though this particular tournament wasn't on my schedule this year. It'll be great to see some old friends as well as some friendly matches in between.
As far as the team tournament goes... I have to say that some of the members REALLY need tournament experience. They do alright during the basic practices... However as soon as the judges started the match, their skills reverted back to beginner level. I don't know if this is due to stage fright, lack of experience or just fundamental mental issues... I think this is one issue in JKA that we need to address, the vast skill gap between seniors and juniors.
In the end, I was exhausted from the whole day of kendo, the lack of sleep also seems to have did me in for the next few days as well.
I left Bandung without some parting war cries... I shall bring the might of the entire Sparta next time.... Haa Wooh!!

In the Name of Progress

I was driving through my usual work route this morning... When I drove pass a familiar rice stall, I was surprised to see that the building was torn down and of course any food stalls nearby would be kicked out as well...
This is the second time my favorite food place in Jakarta got ousted by some building development project. OK the first one was a nice and cheap Indonesian food canteen which I frequented for lunch at the time. I could eat very well and healthy for about one dollar, that place was torn down because the city government was building a park on that exact location. Since it is a public park, which have been built nicely by now, I can understand... City like Jakarta needs some greenery and public park.
This one however... I don't think it's gonna be a public park, perhaps it'll be an apartment tower or shopping complex again. Damnit...
Don't get me wrong, I am mostly pro development, mostly... However, perhaps being a small town boy, there's just a part of me that misses an open market, wet market, food stalls, etc... There's just that feeling that's irreplaceable.

Doctor Melvi

So, a little over a month ago, I think...
I decided to see a psychiatrist to help me with my ups and downs and refocus my direction... Even though I am mostly OK, I mean... I am not breaking down or anything (most of the time, at least)... I feel that perhaps I do need some outside professional help for my problem(s) in the long run.
This isn't the first time I seek therapy sessions. In the past I have had some help to deal with more drastic situations in my life before. However, Dr. Melvi is perhaps the first truly real psychologist that I had.

(due to Doctor and Patient confidentiality agreement, I am unwilling to divulge any details about the therapy session... however...)

It seems that a lot of the turmoil I have been experiencing is rooted on one thing...
It's been my problem for a long time, I thought I have gotten better at it, feeling better about it, etc... However, it's amazing how my demon can rear it's ugly head once more.
I was amazed how Dr. Melvi jumped at that conclusion halfway in our session. I hope to put this demon to rest... Hopefully, for good...

First Day of Practice...

Today was the first day of Kendo practice in 2009...
Since we have lost our Wednesday Night Fight Club space, our Sunday school dojo is currently the only place which we can have our practice.
Today, Mr. SMura was leading practice for a change, and he had something special for us in mind. Breaking our Kendo vacation, his basics practice program was perhaps 3 times the amount that we usually do. Needless to say many of our members were overwhelmed, thankfully the weather was unusually cool. After the practice was done only a few of us remain standing... Thankfully the gym routine helped to last through the whole session, even though I'd be lying if I say it didn't tire me out... It was tiring!!

And Off We Go...

The year started with a lot of work...
Finishing up a lot of overdue reports needed for my work, I spent a good part of my week in meetings and cramming at the office...
So much that I think I neglected to carry out a lot of my routines and social life.
Kendo starts tomorrow, I am kinda looking forward to that.
Other than that, the search for a new practice location continues. Surprisingly, some of the Japanese and Indonesian members started to chip in looking for a possible location as well... With the Hong Kong Tournament looming, hopefully we will be able to find a new location soon.
Honestly, I am a bit relieved that some of the people started to chip in with the search... it kinda takes some pressure off my back a bit...

Should Old Acquintance be Forgot...

So 2008 is FINALLY over, and to tell you the truth I'm kinda glad that it did...
Of course I realize that January 1st 2009 will be the same as any other day on the calendar, nothing changed and everything else continues, but 2008, it feels like a thorn by my side...
As some of you may have already read, I experienced a lot of ups and downs in 2008, I lost everything I treasured and basically had to fight inch by inch to keep what I have or to regain some that I have lost. The truth is what I still missing is my focus, my direction and some of my determination...
2008 was a very confusing year for me, I had to deal with a lot of 'distractions' along the way. Trying to run away from what I left behind, or rather, from what left me behind! Some things I dreamed through out the year turned to be, well... a dream... I think I also neglected and missed out a lot of the reality had to offer me in 2008.
In general, I never regretted anything in this life, the good was nice when it lasted, the bad... well, it had to happen for a reason, right? However, despite hitting nearly all my resolution for 2008, I am disappointed at how I went through some things. Over thinking some things, while inconsiderate in others...
Now, for 2009, what should be my resolution I wonder?

Happy New Year to You Too...

It was New Year's Eve, Dec 31st 2008...
We have been sitting at the club since 9:30 PM, hoping to avoid the crowd and nestled comfortably within our little corner. After a few drinks, people started pouring in. Our table got crowded as well, as usual it's one of those friend's friend's friend's joining the party crowd. Suddenly the scene became eerily familiar to me, as if I have been there before... In a way, I have been there, many many times in the past... I could even spot the same type of people hanging around our table with the ones I've met during my partying days ( oh so long ago )...
I left my cushy couch for a while to take a walk, out of boredom and frustration, I walked outside to the parking lot. As soon as I saw that the traffic weren't as bad I as thought it would on New Year's Eve, I immediately hopped on the first cab I found and went home... 11 PM it was, and I just couldn't wait for this year to END, no fanfare, no celebration, I just wanted to get out of that club and out of 2008... I apologized to God of Thunder for bailing on him after he tried so hard to persuade me to go to this party, but perhaps it was best for me to go home alone that night... Somehow I felt less lonely at home, compared to at the club...
Happy New Year Everyone...