Finally Practice Log Again...

I know I haven't wrote anything about Kendo, or about anything else for that matter, so here it goes...

The truth is I've been practicing all the while. I haven't missed too many practices, despite my schedule and all.
Yesterday was a rarity that not a lot of Senseis showed up for practice. Only M Sensei showed up... I found that he has been getting more and more aggressive lately, either that or I have regressed without realizing it. M Sensei has launched more men attack rather than his usual parry mode, kote and kaishi do. Truthfully, I feel that M Sensei perhaps is the strongest one in Kendo mentally and spiritually. I feel that not only he has the ability to sense an opening physically but even spiritually. Even though he's not the fastest, in fact his attacks seems pretty slow at times, he seems to be able to hit the opening at the right timing. Not only to the students, even to the more powerful Senseis, such as Mr. SMura and Mr. Concorde.
That being said, I have been having difficulties fighting M Sensei lately... Not that it's ever easy in the first place. Perhaps he has seen through my pattern of attack as well...
Other than that, perhaps due to my recovering from some flu, I have been feeling exhausted in the past few practices. It's true that I've been struggling with my weight in the past few months, but I have made some headway in the past couple of weeks, thanks to the advise of the Baroness... I have also been working out as my usual schedule.
I also had a few practices in with God of Thunder and Solid Snake. While all of them were good fun practices, I begin to find something withing me...
Perhaps due to my exhaustion, I often opted to go for the safety counter of debana kote when I fought Solid Snake. He has a very fast long range men attack that is difficult to anticipate. I usually counter it with attacking his maai, playing with the distance so that he will not be able to launch his attack easily. So far this tactic has been working quite well, especially when I counter his men with my own men attack. However, yesterday I found that he exposed his kote everytime he tried to launch an attack, which I capitalized on.
Fighting God of Thunder, however is another story all together.
He is physically the strongest amongst all of us... I found myself reluctant to go in whole heartedly for an attack, which resulted in his counters... After I refocused myself, I tried again for a more direct attacks on him. The result we're probably about even, although I am dissapointed that I was not able to hit anything clear and decisive.

With the Indonesian Tournament looming ahead in just 2-3 days, I wanted to get a few more practices and workouts in. The beauty of this year's tournament... there's so many contenders that anyone could end up winning it all. Unlike before, this time I don't even care which group I'm in or who I'm fighting first... It doesn't really matter this time...

The Dream of Glory... Back Then...

I remember when I was still at the UW Madison Kendo Club...
It was the first time I've heard that there is a pretty active Kendo community in South East Asia. I was so excited that I was still able to continue fighting even after I graduated and imminently return to Indonesia. Of course being a young cocky upstart that I was, I told myself that I was going to be South East Asian Champion someday. I was pretty confident in my own skill and record, I thought the only way I could from there was up and nothing could stop me.

I have to admit that my thirst in pursuing Kendo isn't at it's height at this moment. While I still enjoy it, I don't find myself immersed in it. Perhaps due to my other activities and distractions. I am also not in my top shape at the moment, even though I am working at it... however, nothing seems to be working for the moment. I promised Master Djedi that I'd get myself ready for the next South East Asian Tournament next year somehow. Not only I'd have to get myself ready, I will have to get my team mates ready also. Even though it saddens me to have lost a few comrades along the way, I am very comfortable with the skill level and the chemistry we have now. Possibly the most comfortable we are with each other as a Kendo team. Perhaps this time we can capture the glory that has long eluded us...

I remember after my first taste of South East Asian Kendo Championship...
While it was a satisfactory result for the Indonesian Team, I was pretty disappointed with my own performance. I thought I was a non-factor during the team championship run, much less in the individual division. I was beginning to have doubts regarding my own skill, compared to my own team mates' and my competitors'. However, I was still determined to improve and make my mark in the next tournament. Yet again, I still dream that I'd be a champion someday.

The truth is however, I have lost that dream of becoming a champion. While I still haven't reached the goal I originally set for myself. Through my life, the meaning of Kendo has changed. Even though at times I forget, it is still an important part of my life. Perhaps one thing that keeping me together when times get though. Even though both times I've tried the result wasn't as good as I'd hoped it'd be, I don't know if I can sum up the energy and the ferocity that I once had. Not to mention my age and injury, I just don't know if these old legs still have it anymore.

I remember when I first started Kendo...
I was an overweight underachiever, who never puts any real effort in any endeavor in life. Kendo was the first thing I did that put me out of my own element of comfort. The first thing that I really had to try and fight in order to survive. I promised myself I'd never give up... to prove to myself more than anyone, I can do this!!

The Lines of Greens and Blues

I seriously didn't see this one coming, but as soon as I read the news, I knew had to go, no matter what!! Mr. Big reunited for an Asian Tour and was headed for Jakarta.
You know Mr. Big, right? Billy Sheehan's band? They had a couple of big hit and ballads in the early 90s, but went obscure in the US after that. Well they continued on here in Asia until a few years ago... They were big not only in Japan, but other countries like Indonesia as well...
So I called up a bunch of my friends to see if any of them are going to the concert... Apparently Lost was going with a bunch of her friends (I didn't know who at the time), so I decided to join her group...
Closing on the concert day, I found out that Lost was going with RockStar, a high school buddy of mine whom she had a history with... Well, I didn't want to pry, I decided to play it cool (dumb) and not let it affect my concert mood. In fact, it's been years since I last seen RockStar and I was very much looking forward to hanging out with him again. Oh, we also invited Solid Snake as our getaway car driver for the night... we've got extra free tickets, so...
The concert was at some beach/amusement park area... due to the magnitude of this concert, we have to park like 2 miles away from the stage area. It was fine when we were walking towards the concert everyone was upbeat, excited and happy... We even half jogged on our way, not wanting to miss a good spot for the concert...
We did in fact found a good spot... not too far from the stage. We arrived around 30 minutes before Mr. Big starts at 11 PM...
They did play a good show... but seriously, after about an hour, my body started to give... I'm 33 after all... I was like," please get this over with and play 'To be with You' already!!!"
So well after midnight, they finally did their encore and sang 'To be with You'... I still had the energy to sing (scream) along to all their lyrics...
The walk back after the concert was the toughest, I know that it was only a couple of miles... but it's 1:30 AM for God's sakes... Everyone was dragging themselves to their cars...
We didn't reach home until around 3 AM. Beat, smelly and in pain... Would I do it again? Hell yeah!! It's not often you get to see the band you like (or use to like) playing in Jakarta, I think from now I will keep my eyes and ears wide open for events like this in the future...

Episodes Revisited

During my work stay in Sumatra, I got an unexpected message from Evenstar...
I haven't heard from her in a while... While we never actually broke off contact, we never kept in touch either. It was rather pleasant to hear from her again...
From what I gathered, she still working hard at her present job, she even got offered for a permanent position. However, she is seriously considering going back to Canada next year. I guess she never felt at home here in Indonesia, it is Canada where she truly belongs... In any case, I congratulated her on her work progress and wished her the best of luck where ever her future endeavors may be.
The second news I got from her was : Queen of Diamonds is said to be getting married next year. I think Evenstar was worried of my well being when she told me the news, didn't know how I was going to react.
Strangely, I felt indifferent... both to Evenstar's moving back decision and to Queen of Diamond's marriage news... I admitted to Evenstar that I did had a hard time in the beginning with Queen of Diamonds, but it's been around 2 years now and I've let it go... no hatred no anger, no nothing...
In the end we were just feeling surprised that it has indeed been 2 years since this whole thing ended (started)...

I've got a few more stories up my sleeves, just need a good angle to write them...
Stay tuned, folks...

I don't know where to begin, because it never ends...

Balance...
That was the whole thing I was striving for for these past few years. Achieving balance in my life, my work, while I keep fighting to reach the goal...
The goal is simple enough, happiness, a life that I want, my Sanctuary. Reaching for it, however, it's a whole other matter.
A series of event somehow sidetracked me from my own course for a little while there. Some due to my own negligent, while others are coincidental factor. What surprised me the most was that how easily I was thrown off my game plan only to revert back to my previous incarnation, even after all these years and all that I have done and achieved.
Before I know it, I was off my balance, we're talking way off... I'm neglecting my exercises, my friends and some parts of my work. Close to rock bottom...
I need to snap out of this soon, and I've started doing parts of what I needed to do, while the rest... I need the support of my friends...

Looking Back...

I was backing up some files on my hard drive when I came across my old journal notes from 2001 until very early 2005. I was re-reading some of my writings at the time, I can recall various events in my life as it was written on the journal. I also recall some of the feelings and surrounding events that took place around that period.
My first impression, I come across as a whiny ass snot... No wonder I was going nowhere in life, feeling stressed and complained a lot. I also felt a little stupid as I was reading the 'partying' or girl related story lines...
A friend of mine once mentioned that reading my blog is pretty just like listening to myself speaking... Well if that's how I sounded... yeah, I could understand...
Then again, this makes me think on how I sounded on my PRESENT journal... Perhaps, if I would read this again 5 years later, I would cringe as well...

Hmm... as I was writing this, a thought occured. Perhaps my self loathing is even stronger than I thought it'd be that I dislike myself via my own writing...

Rush Order

Well, where have I been, you may ask...
Work got a hold of me that's where, then I was kinda sick for a few days, etc. Now I am back for my double shift in Sumatra. I have to get back to Jakarta this weekend for that Kendo event thing, then back to Sumatra. Man... I really need a break!

Wanted Man

Mr. SMura asked Mr. Djedi whether the excuse of my absence last Sunday for Kendo was indeed valid... The truth is while I told him I had family matters to attend to, in actuality I could not get my work out of my mind that day. I ended up staying home the whole day rushing to finish the content of my upcoming presentation. After I was halfway done, the computer crashed!! So I had no choice but to re-do everything forthe rest of the night. I think I finally finished it around midnight.
I managed to squeeze in a good hour of working out at the gym and dinner with my family during my break time.
So there you go...

A Year Older

As I meantioned, it was my birthday last week. I am officially 33 now. I think I've already started feeling like I'm 35 since a couple of years ago. There was not much fanfare for my birthday and that's just the way I liked it. I had dinner with my friends and then my family and that's about it...
I guess the older you get, the less you think about it...

Prequel to Rick James : The Swallow

As I was chatting with Swallow, I couldn't believe that it has been almost ten years since Boston and at least five years since the last time I saw her. I couldn't believe that it has been that long ago the she was the one girl that I could not get out of my mind for years after we parted ways.

We were introduced a long time ago by a mutual friend. I don't know how it happened, but I could feel an instant connection when I first saw her. Needless to say I was very much attracted to her. As time went by, we spent more and more time together and we became closer. However, as I professed my feelings for her, she declined and chose to remain as close friends. Little did I know that my decision to be friends with her would led to many unpleasant experiences for the remainder of my days in Boston.
(I've had the idea of this story for a while now, I never realized how emotional it would be for me when I'm actually putting it down to words)
Of course at the time, I have not yet learned anything that I would eventually learn about The Game, interacting with women, etc. Thus, even though perhaps there was a chance, I was too clueless to notice. I admit that we had pleasant memories of us hanging out together with friends and exploring the night life of Boston. For the most part, we were indeed close friends. However, it all came crashing that one night. My best friend from high school came to visit me during the end of my Boston stay... I could never forget his betrayal, in my car while I was driving, perhaps the single worst night of my life ever. His betrayal, her disregard of my feelings, my own stupidity. After that night, I remember it was the first time I had trouble sleeping, a symptom that would haunt me off and on until this day. While I tried to forget it, the scar never really healed and that image is perhaps forever burned into my mind.
I couldn't get her out of my mind for a few years even after we parted ways and left Boston. During the first few years of my life in Indonesia, even when I was with other women, I could often found myself longing for her. As if she was the only one for me and I need to try somehow, only I don't know how...
After a few years, eventually someone else stepped into my life and affected me the way Swallow did. She practically erased Swallow off of my mind and made herself my object of my dreams and eventually my affection. Her name is Queen of Diamonds.

My friendship with my high school buddy survived a few years after that night, until some other unrelated events transpired and I decided its best that I leave him behind and move on with my life. I have to admit perhaps the fact that I couldn't forget what happened between him and Swallow had something to do with my decision. However, as I was growing into a man of my own, there was simply no room in my life for someone like him.
My experience with Swallow also taught me not to be close friends with any women whom I am attracted to. Take it or leave it, all or nothing... I would rather risk a brief separation anxiety than to experience that night all over again. No matter what Dr. Melvi may have said, I don't think this is a decision I will change.

As I finished chatting with her, I had strangely pleasant feeling... Suddenly the memories of our time spent together in Boston came back to me. For the longest time I failed to remember our time as friends whenever I think of Boston. Even though it was a pleasant memory, it was nothing like that feeling I had for her back then... I think some things are better laid to rest...