Neutral Jing

To coin the phrase of my current favourite TV show (Appa, yep yep!!), Neutral Jing is a mental stance taken by some of the characters on the show. It was described as somewhere in the middle between positive jing (offensive) and negative jing (evasive)... One who takes the neutral jing, waits and listen to their surrounding and environment for the precise moment to attack or counter...
Even though it is a children show, I think they may be on to something here...
In Kendo, when we first started doing live practive, we were clueless and unsure what to do, thus what we should do was to attack non-stop until we figure out what the perfect distance (maai) and timing ought to be. I think it could be described as turning our positive jing into a neutral jing... The objective should enable us to see, listen and feel our surrounding, i.e our opponent and ourselves, see their movement, feel their pressure to find the precise action and precise timing we have to do to counter or balance theirs.
I am in no way mastering or preaching this thought, it's just something I figure I need to do and learn in my own life and Kendo.

Soul Vacation

I had some reservation regarding last week's work trip to Sumatera, after all I think somehow the solution for my recent problems in avoiding to be alone for an extended period. Then at one point, somehow I got better, I tried to keep busy by doing work and talking to my friends at night when I have the time, planning for the weekend, etc.
I actually have been starting to be able to go to sleep at a relatively normal time now, without Xanax... Whatever it is I am going to do, I will do it at my own pace...
Again I have to thank my circle of family and friends for their continued support.

I am taking a bit of time off from Kendo, I feel a bit of soreness on my lower back. I am also due for my next check up in Singapore next weekend.

Runnin' on Empty

The last few practices, I have been focusing my effort on 'empty mind', not blue printing or over-analyzing what my opponent is attacking next. Therefore I will have the 'freedom' to move in my mind and with my body in Kendo. So far I think the result is mixed, of course there were times that it was due to my own weakness and carelessness, but other times I was able to run on feeling and succeeded.
Today, Mr. S advised me to keep practicing on my kote attack, so that it would be more sharp... but also as an opening for my men attack. He told me that there are different kind of kote and men attack, not just the basic form we usually practice. He advised us to take time during each basic sessions, to learn our own timing and different variations of the same attack.
We also starting to talk about our planned Kendo training trip to Japan next year.
That Mr. S is certainly an interesting character, more than meets the eye.
Today's practice was short, me and Mr. Golden Hair had an interesting practice. I think I over excitedly knocked him down on one of my men attack and he knocked me down next in retaliation. I was dazed for a bit, but I shook it off... It was all in good fun though, no problem.

Speaking of empty, it looks like my sleeping problem crept out on my again. I have been having problem sleeping and having strange nightmares... I immediately went to my trusted Chinese doctor and my home... Well, I found that there more problems on the horizon rather than my own...
Anyways, to be short, the doctors advised me to keep active, to keep companies, so that I won't be alone and 'empty'... so that crazy thoughts wouldn't creep up my mind and disturb me as well. I was also prescribed some xanax, the first in my case... I should take them should I feel difficulty sleeping.

Don't Count Me Off Just Yet...

A while ago, when I mentioned that I am trying to work on my body, to get in shape... a certain 'someone' said, "dream on..."
Well, I kept on dreaming, I kept on working on it too...
Guess what? In December, during my lowest point, I weight and measured myself, I was at 35% body fat... today, I couldn't believe I am at 20% body fat!!! I will re-test again in 2 days, just to make sure it's not a fluke... The news just gives me the extra boost to keep on going!!
So next time, 'someone' or anyone says, "dream on..."
Guess again!!

Of course I have to give credits to the people who have helped me in the past :
Jose Garcia, for teaching me how to work out in the first place.
Dr. ABC Wong, for starting me off on this diet program.
Shakespeare in Love, for showing me his 8 pack abs...
Bambang Suhandi, my current trainer, for teaching me to pace myself and keeping me safe after injury.
My supportive family...

Residual Image

From time to time the thought of Queen of Diamond crept into my mind. On the surface it could be described as 'missing' her...
However, I realize that Queen of Diamond in real life and the one in my mind is perhaps two different entity and what I have in my mind is just a residual image of her, or rather, residual image of my feelings for her from before. What I actually miss is to honestly and truthfully care for someone as I once did for her.
The journey that I am traveling on now, even though I seek happiness in the truest sense, I couldn't help but to shut off my feelings from time to time to avoid anxiety and complications. Even though I am not alone most of the time, it does feel lonely at times...

Old Faces...

Today's practice was quiet a tough one. On top of the usual hot weather, I was also suffering from lack of sleep and some stomach ache. Needless to say, I had to excuse myself a couple of times for a bathroom break every now and then.
Mr. S injured his shoulder today, thus he was unable to practice with us. Instead he spent his time teaching young children and beginners.
I had my first keiko with Teacher K today. He's a fast one, but a fun one as well. I enjoyed our time immensely today. We had a back and forth battle for a while there. I was able to keep my concentration as well as an open mind, perhaps I don't really have a blue print for his kendo, but I know that he has very good hand speed, making it extra difficult to hit kote on him and his height makes it a challenge for a men attack as well.
Another notable keiko was with Ms. KK, she is perhaps the opposite of Teacher K. She is short and very quick, I felt like I was fighting Yoda in Star Wars. Neither of us wanted to risk our size and distance advantage thus the keiko was sort of a stalemate for a while. Mr. S, reminded me halfway to not wait, but to initiate offense instead. Ms. KK also reminded me of my stutter steps before attacking instead of taking advantage of my distance. Aside from avoiding getting hurt, I was also being careful with my direct attacks since it would be very easy opponents to detect and counter. To this day, I am still not sure if my stutter step is correct or incorrect... Perhaps I should ask another sensei about this.

Today, I received word that Speed Demon wanted to rejoin practice. Speed Demon was our Ace during the KL tournament 4 years ago. His presence is indeed missed... Aside from work and family, his reason for absence was because he felt so much pressure during keiko and in practices. I tried to assure him that such pressure is also part of his journey in Kendo that he must conquer and achieve, to make his Kendo and essentially his life better.
I introduced Speed Demon to Mr. S and Mr. K, whom preceeded to gave him some useful Kendo advise to improve his kendo. I could see that the speed force is still with him, perhaps it'll take him a couple of months to readjust himself to the basics and move forward... I hope he can take this personal challenge, I know with the guidance of Mr. S and Mr. K, he is in good hands.

Worn Blades...

After Kendo practice today, Mr. W handed me a pair of Kata swords for me to practice with for the preparation of the Kata demonstration in October. He told me to be extra careful especially with chipped and worn blades, it may inadvertently hurt someone with them. I placed them on my shinai rack and will practice swinging them whenever I have the chance.
Today I came to practice with a calm(er) state of mind, even though I didn't think I got many scores on my opponents, my teachers commented that I was doing well today.
Sergeant H mentioned that it was hard for him to find an opening on me today. Honestly, it was quite difficult for me to find an opening on him as well, since his stoic and immovable nature. We had a long back and forth keiko before he finally scored a men hit on me in the last attack.
I had hard time fighting with Mr. W and Mr. M today, because of their agility, they were able to dodge many of my attempts. Especially Mr. M, despite his age, height, weight and health condition, he's fast and alert, even though we may be able to guess his favourite attacks, it is still difficult to penetrate his defenses.
Thinking back to my keiko with Mr. W, I remember that I was trapped in my own blueprint of Mr. W's Kendo style. Instead of keeping an open and empty mind, I was anticipating what Mr. W's next movement would be according to my own blueprint.
Blueprinting is perhaps one of my traits in Kendo. It could be first considered a strong point, because I am able to analyze my opponents and find a pattern within their movements and style. However, I think that in the long run, this blueprinting is setback because it holds me back from developing my own feeling and sense for Kendo. Instead I would always fall back on my blueprints for each of my opponents every time. I shall try to keep an empty and open mind next time I practice, of course there are general tactics when facing different opponents... I just need to somehow find a balance between tactics and an open mind.
I will go to practice again tomorrow, hopefully I will have the chance to practice with Mr. S and Mr. K again.

The Path of the...

"When you have lost everything, then you're free to do anything..."
Tyler Durden

I once thought that when you have lost everything you hold dearly in your life, then you are free to do whatever you like... when you got nothing, you got nothing to lose.
Tried I did, as recent as last weekend in fact, I put on a great show and gained myself a major moral victory. However, my victory was a tainted one.

Blinded by my sorrow and anger, I was goaded to go on a path based on hatred and revenge. The way of the Dark Side, a wise one said a long time ago (in a galaxy far far away).
They say the hate is the only emotion stronger than love. Hate and anger can in fact be a great drive for one to achieve many things, it can keep keenly driven for one to reach that goal. However it also turns you, twist you and tears you up inside... Until in the end, you're left ruined and but a shell of a man long gone.

I never expected the conflict to run so deep within me. Merely an evening tore me up so greatly that just when I thought I was finally in control, I hit rock bottom. Then I realized that this isn't a path meant for me to take... In fact, I should have realized, since I have been on this path before, for way too long. I decided to let go of the hate and anger once more, to be at peace and the let the Force flow through me and guide me...

Even though I thought I understood what was implied by Tyler Durden, I then realized that this is not a path for me. As dark as the character and the story was, I found that there's another way to translate the words...

Once you have let go of your bitterness, your anger and your doubts, then you are free to propel forward in your life. Hopefully to a direction of fulfilment and happiness for myself.
Here I am, speaking as if I am an enlightened man, when the truth is still far from it.
Bear in mind that it is not an instatenous process, I struggle to remind myself everyday. I want what's best for myself, even for the Queen of Diamonds. I realized that she's actually lost, amidst the distractions that is her life. I hope she finds whatever destination that she TRULY wants. I don't know if we may cross path again someday, but for now... I am taking my steps forward, one day at a time.

Terms of Endearment...

Alright, I finally found a few good ones...

AWT hence will be called Dark Knight

TWT will be called Jive Tongue

and the 'she' I keep referring to... let's call her Queen of Diamonds...

The day after...

Today's keiko proved most enjoyable for myself...
Despite the hot weather and basic training, I didn't feel drained like I did the day before.
Instead I was able to have enjoyable practices with Mr. M, Mr. W and Mr. K.
Ms. KK commented that now my Kendo looked like somebody that is deliberately avoiding injury, she could see it in my steps.
I am trying to avoid injury by trying to move my body forward, perhaps I was taking extra steps in the process. This is one more thing I need to work on for my own Kendo.

A New Hope

Somehow my father knew that there was something wrong with me this past week, even though I didn't tell him anything and I acted normally in front my parents. His words to me proved most profound and on the spot.
His message was even though you feel betrayed, you must forgive and move one... believing that something beautiful will come your way eventually.

Someone wise from a long time ago once said,
fear leads to sorrow, sorrow leads to anger, anger leads to suffering...

I awoke in the middle of the night, with my bouts with insomnia, I felt I hit rocked bottom. Whatever victory I felt the other night seemed meaningless, waging a war without a clear direction and target felt like such a burden.
I sat up, prayed and decided to call her...
What I wanted to was to make peace... I found it somewhat for myself, also found that she isn't even at peace with herself that she even envies my position, strangely...
After I hung up, I was able to finally get some sleep...

I decided that whatever I have to do, is not for revenge or war, but for peace. Peace with myself and others... and strength to move on forward.

"I'm sorry Your Majesty, but I'm a Jedi, like my father before me"

Inner Demons

Saturday's keiko proved to be the most draining for me...
At the end of the keiko I was physically tired and mentally exhausted and drained!!
On the surface, Kendo is a battle between yourself and your opponent, beneath it, it is actually a struggle within your inner self. Due to my recent turmoil, combined with the nature of my Kendo keiko, it was too much to bear...
I found that many times my Kensen was easily moved off center, anticipating the opponent's movement or attack, I tried to do waza but instead moved away from my center. Whilst I was able to get away from being hit by my agility and shinai, I realize that this was something fundamentally wrong with my Kendo.
Mr. S told me that my strike was as if I was swinging a hammer, not a sword...
While it has speed and power, perhaps the arc and momentum direction were wrong.
I am still working on that one.

Mr. Data, engage...

They say to slay a demon, you have to be a demon...
Last night, the succubus and I came face to face and we stood toe to toe...
Fortunately, the timing was right...
Had she arrived at the club hours earlier, I would probably have turned away with my tail between my legs... but the Gods were kind, she arrived just in time... I was in my zone and I was ready...

My apologies to IL, I never meant for you to be a part of the show, but you inadvertently did.
I mean no harm nor disrespect, I am sorry. When I first started to the Game, I thought that it's a knowledge for me to find love and happiness. Never would I expect that it would be the key to my sanity and inner survival.

With my days of healing behind me, it seems like I am ready to go full speed ahead.
One thing is bothering me though, am I going out of the black hole or heading straight into it...

In any case... make it so...

It's the man, not the sword...

It was decided in the last couple of days that I would take part in a Kendo kata demonstration coming this October, in front of an international audience, some are to be Japanese kendoka.
The catch was, me and TTKuma may have to do the kata demonstration using katana instead of our usual wooden swords.
That's what scares me...
I immediately scrambled trying to borrow a katana for me to practice on just in case we are going to do it with live blades. Finally Mr. W promised that he will lend me one this coming weekend.
You see, I've never actually extensively handled a live blade before, especially not whilst practicing with a partner. One mishap from me, and it'll be TTKuma's head...
The balance of a blade is much different than the one of a shinai or bokken, even though it only weights around 5 lbs, it is most difficult to handle a live blade due to its weight and balance.
I need start training... whatever sword we are going to use... so I'll be ready when the time comes.

In the brightest day, in the darkest night...

Not only through this difficult time, but many many times before that... I was able to pull through only with the support of my loved ones. My friends who stood by me thick and thin and offered words of 'wisdom' in my times of need...
Ms. Chickpea
Master Djedi
Axe Man
AWT (rest assured, I'll find a new and better name for you)
TWT (rest assured, I'll find a new and better name for you too)
Shakespeare in Love
Freaky K
Lost Loosey
God of Thunder
Baller Joe
CC Rockett
and as of last night, God of War

From the bottom of my heart, thank you... really, THANK YOU...
Don't worry, I am walking my way out of this, one step at a time...

Power ballads...

Four months ago, it all started from some dream... I guess it's right that it ended with a dream as well...
Today was the scariest day in the past few months, because I suddenly decided on my feeling on a whim. Whatever the outcome was, I was determined to walk out of there alive even if I was going to get shot through the heart.
Too little too late it was, well I guess that's why they say every rose has its thorns and walked right into one.
Shot through the heart I did, walked out alive I did... even if I feel like crawling into a hole and die right now. Instead, I think I should limp on outside and try to rebuild this house of cards...

"Now I hear you found somebody new, that I never meant that much to you
To hear that tears me up inside and to see you cuts me like a knife"

Size does matter...

Yesterday was my gym's anniversary. Thus, aside from the usual gym activity, they held a number of programs and celebrations to go along with the festivities. One of them was arm wrestling competition...

I didn't plan or want to join this competition to begin with, however since they lack one more person to complete the competition bracket, I relented and signed up for it.

I've never been good at arm wrestling, since middle school I have never won any arm wrestling match with my friends. Due to my size and lack of power, it has always been a subject of jokes amongst my friends.

Yesterday I thought, well since I have been working out and to help out the organizers... might as well go for it. I wasn't scared, nor was I excited either.

When they called out my name for my turn, I looked up and there was this huge body builder dude right in front of me. At that point, I knew I wasn't gonna win this match, but I figure to give a good fight and last a few seconds. Little did I know... Right after they yelled start, my arm hit the table. No matter how hard I tried, it didn't seem to matter to him, he was just that much stronger than me.

In the end, we shook hands and I just laughed it off with my trainer and went home. I've seldom work my arms when I do my work out for the fear of them becoming too stiff for my Kendo training, therefore it was not a surprise to me that I lost... I was quite surprised that I lost so easily though.

Rest assured, this house of cards ain't crumbling just yet, unlike my arm...