Grinding Through

Dragging myself to practice last night, I was a bit skeptical on my performance. I have been absent for the past 2 weeks, people have been asking about my attendance and I also had to practice kendo kata with Mr. TTKuma for the upcoming kata demonstrations.

Even though I am not really ‘sick’, however my energy level has been pretty low in the past few weeks, fluctuating at best. My trainer mentioned that I may be in need of a vacation or something. I haven’t been in the mood to go anywhere, plus I need to save some money for other needs as well.

I had keiko with Mr. MM, Mr. W, Sergeant H and Mr. TTKuma. As for points wise, I think my Kendo was border line. I didn’t perform as well as I would like to, however I did gave everything my body had that night. I found myself concentrating hard, because I know I didn’t have much to begin with. However, there were few instances that I found myself doubting my own semme, even during crucial moments, which made me open and vulnerable for attacks.

I was unable to find solid opening against Mr. MM, instead I was struck a few times on my men. Which is a rarity considering his usual attack style and height. My men must have been extremely open for him to try such bold attacks on me.

Against Sergeant H, I tried hard to keep my posture and stamina for his usual endurance oriented training. Surprisingly he took it rather easy on me, even though he never let up on distance thus not giving me any moment of rest by closing in the distance. Not only I had to resist his pushes, I also had to keep on my kamae for the whole duration.

Mr. W with his usual aggressive style. I found myself doubting my own semme a few time, which made me an easy target.

Mr. TTKuma, made a point that while my kote attacks are pretty good, I should not rely on it as much, for it made me too predictable. The thing is, Mr. TTKuma’s extreme height and fast hands makes it very difficult for me to hit his men.

All in all, last night’s practice was pretty satisfying, even though I found it difficult to get out of bed this morning due to exhaustion.

Love and Marriage... Love and Marriage?

“I chose her not because of love, really… but because I think she’ll be a good mother will be able to take care of my household”

“I didn’t even know what was going! I walked in the room and before I knew it, everything was already set, the date, the place, everything!”

“Because she’s rich!”

“Because it’s about time and I am comfortable with her and her family.”

“I think she can accept me the way I am NO matter what.”

Those are some of the answers I have received when I asked some of my married friends on why they decided to marry their spouses. I noticed that none of the above answers mentioned words like love, chemistry or she’s the one…

Honestly, I am a little disappointed with the results that I got so far in regards to this questioning. From the answers, it would seem that marriage is a matter of convenience rather than love.

I am not sure whether this is due to the Asian background, but a large percentage of people I know, chose spouses that are simpler to maintain rather than someone they WANT to be with for the rest of their lives. Someone to take care of the family while we are at work (or where ever else we may be), or crudely put an employee.

This makes me question the notion of love itself, does it even exist at all? Are we doomed to chase something that never existed in the first place? A fairy tale or a beautiful notion which merely serves to provide the impression that there is special someone out there and something that binds us.

If I know myself as well as I think I do, any relationship based on convenience and co-dependence is not what I am after. Whatever I may be doing now, it’s solely based on the fact that I am on a quest for love, yes love. Because any relationship based on anything other than that, is an empty shell with no direction… at least that’s how I see it.

Someone once said, which is the greater suffering? Having no one to share your burden, or having no one share your joys with?

Whatever one may have accomplished as an individual, it means nothing unless you have someone to share it with and move on to the next stage with.

That's No Way to Live a Life (part 2 of 2)

Noodle King recently introduced me to his concept and lifestyle...
Basically, buy whatever you wish for and you will somehow get the money for it. That's the lifestyle he has been taught to live by his parents. His point is, you have a lifestyle that you're accustomed to, then you will work hard for it as well, then the money will flow. Worrying about saving money and where your next pay would come will get you no where, at least that's how stated it.
You see, Noodle King is rich dude... He earns like a lot of money, lives an extravagant lifestyle with his wife and kids... doesn't have a house, has no savings... which I found a bit weird for a man of his stature.

My parents lives a very humble lifestyle for their earnings and their assets. I do not like their way of 'earn as much but spend as little' lifestyle, but I do understand it's merrit as well. It taught me to understand the value of money, however it also taught me 'fear' as an underlining mentality in life.

I wish that the right way for me to live is some sort of a balance in between... A balance that I am yet to find, but hopefully it'll be the right way for me to live and find happiness...

The Boy with No Toys (part 1 of 2)

I remember a long time ago, nearing 20 years actually, I was particularly fond of some action figures which were highly popular at the time. I saved my allowances in the hope of being able to buy at least one of them. As time went on, there were so many different types to choose from and so many different version, with limited money, I was not able to make up my mind which to buy. In the end, I didn't buy any of them... The money? I continued to save throughout my school days and in the end I had to use all of them for my relocation for my job in Boston.
Last year, I was actually able to save quite a large portion of my salary and bonuses... I was quite proud of it, until I realized in the end I have nothing. It was just a number that I have on my mind, but in reality I am still empty handed...
There was no actual joy or pride that I got from my thrifty lifestyle, or rather it was the mindset I was accustomed to since early age.
This year, I was determined to buy anything that I always wanted with the money I have at my disposal. Even though I have bought a few things and have a budget for most of the things I wish for, I am still kind of apphrensive towards this situation. Although, I am going to buy that PS3, who cares what other people say, it's the most kick ass gaming console out there!!
Up till the moment I am writing this very piece, I remained very confused to the financial life style that is suitable for myself.

When life is bad...

I remember once a Sensei told me, “ When your life is bad, do Kendo! Then your Kendo will become good, then your life will become good.”

It took me 3 years to understand what he meant that day. At the time, I was going through quite a difficult time in my life and as usual I was starting to let go of my Kendo.

Of course that message cannot be taken literally, at least not the way the sentence was formulated. Bear in mind, he had a limited command of English grammar and quite a few drinks at the time he gave me that advice.

Kendo cannot make your life good, in the sense that Kendo is not a direct solution to your problems. However, doing Kendo may strengthen your inner self and prepare you for whatever challenges ahead. At least that’s how I interpreted the advice up till now.

I once told myself that no matter how many aspects in my life I am juggling, Kendo should always be the core that holds it all together.

Looking at my present situation, still to this day it’s quite easy for me to neglect my Kendo whenever things go bad or overwhelming, especially when Kendo itself becomes increasingly difficult and challenging.

Sometimes I wish that Sensei gave me the advise on what to do when Kendo becomes bad…

Challenges Ahead

Mr. KKawa taught me a new type of drill this past Saturday. Whenever I am to do fast men basic practice, he told me to take a semme forward, wait for the opponent to show opening, and then strike immediately. The first time I did it, he told me it wasn’t good enough because my semme was only a step forward, there was no energy forward. I tried it again and again, I think I gotten better at it… However, Mr. KK still thinks that I have yet to understand the concept of it. He said that at the level of 3-4 Dan, one should not only know how to hit, but also understand when to hit and the concept of semme. This similar notion has been mentioned before by Mr. SMura before, basically he said something like,” knowing how to hit is not enough!”.

My health hasn’t been well in the past week. Perhaps it’s the weather, perhaps it’s work, perhaps it was other things… I decided to go to practice on Saturday and use whatever energy I had that day. Surprisingly I didn’t do as badly as I thought I would. Perhaps because I realized that I didn’t have too much energy to begin with, thus I wasn’t trying to conserve energy or anything like that, instead I just gave everything onto whatever opponent was in front of me at the time.

After practice though, I was spent! I couldn’t even wake up the next day and my joints still hurts until this moment.

D-Tox

Whew, I was overwhelmed by work in the past few days that I barely had time to catch up with anything else. Kendo is still in hiatus just like the past week, even though I am starting to feel the itch to get back to it. Work out is still going strong, aside from work, that is one thing that I cannot afford to let slip.

This past weekend though, whoa... I must have over ate or something, and I was feeling it for the next days too!!

I guess healthy eating habbit does have it downside after all, for me at least. Usually when I do eat out, it was at minimal quantity that I didn't have to worry about it afterwards. This past weekend I had to eat out a lot, hanging out with friends or family gathering. The next few days I was feeling bloated, constipated, weak and bad mood. I guess my body isn't used to processing so much fatty food at the same time and alcohol to boot. I immediately went into detox, stopping solid food and drinking an insanely amount of home made apple juice. It worked and all the bad energy floated off the next day or so.

I guess I have to really watch what I consume these days...

Spinning Plates

I am feeling a bit overwhelmed these days, it seems that there are a lot of things on my mind that I have to attend to...
From work, Kendo, working out and dieting, my social life, dating life, etc, everything just seems to sap my energy away from me. It seems that every aspect needs me to concentrate more on them...

Kendo, I have been doing badly at practice and it just gives me an extra burden to regroup and concentrate my effort. Easier said than done, it seems that the harder I grasp the faster it flows out of my grasp. I feel the pressure from myself as well as the expectation from my teachers.

Work, well work is work, but I am enjoying it so far... I am just being extra careful that I don't slip up on this one, because I can't afford to slip up on this one.

Work out, well I am getting stronger and I seem to be able to maintain my current weight. However the work outs does get harder and longer... Not that I am complaining, I am not feeling too much pain and my back feels good. However, the work out was supposed to be a supplement to my Kendo, instead it has taken a great deal more out of my life.

Dating, hanging out with friends does takes it toll. Especially when it feels like the direction isn't very clear. I still stay in contact with Provocateur and Belly Dancer. However I feel that I am doing this out survival not for love.

I also have some hung ups in my mind that I need to settle. I should buy a car, I have been dreaming about it for so long, I have got the budget, I just need time to actually find one that is suitable. I am still mulling the idea getting a TV and home theatre system for my room.

I guess I better tackle these items one at a time, at the right time. So I won't get even more overwhelmed.