Residual Image

From time to time the thought of Queen of Diamond crept into my mind. On the surface it could be described as 'missing' her...
However, I realize that Queen of Diamond in real life and the one in my mind is perhaps two different entity and what I have in my mind is just a residual image of her, or rather, residual image of my feelings for her from before. What I actually miss is to honestly and truthfully care for someone as I once did for her.
The journey that I am traveling on now, even though I seek happiness in the truest sense, I couldn't help but to shut off my feelings from time to time to avoid anxiety and complications. Even though I am not alone most of the time, it does feel lonely at times...