(Re)Building RickJames

Good Bye Rick James

2010-07-15T06:26:00.000-07:00

I hate to end it so abruptly, however...
Truthfully, I haven't felt like Rick James for a while now... It seems that the chapter of Rick James has come full circle and it is time to end it.
I thank everyone for their interest and support all these years. Most importantly, I would like to thank everyone for their support and friendship all these years.
My tale would still continue however, on a different venue(s)...
Please stay tuned...

Birthday Wishes...

2010-06-21T08:30:00.001-07:00

Someone asked me the other day, " So do you feel old, now that you're 34?"
I told him/her, "... you're a bit late there, I already felt old 5 years ago... "

The truth is, I always feel that I have had a very interesting life. Looking back at the way I've lived it, sometimes I don't feel that I truly deserve the life that I've had.
Despite all the things that have happened, I've always been grateful for the people who I have met along the way and helped create the person that I am today. Most importantly, I feel most lucky and grateful to have met you all at some points in my life.
I know that I haven't seen most of you in years, some of you in more than 10 years. I'm also pretty sure I didn't congratulate any of you on your recent birthdays (something I never do to this day), thus your birthday wishes just made me feel that much more undeserving...
Nevertheless, I appreciate your gesture... also, very much hope that I will see you again sometimes soon...

Where Are They Now... ?

2010-04-21T18:22:00.000-07:00

Where are they now? Where am I now? I have been working the Sumatra shift for the past few weeks, there just isn't a lot of good things to write about lately... Just work, I hung out a few times a bit, but nothing too drastic to write about. At least, I haven't found a good angle to write it on...
Anyways, I guess I decided to write about what happened to some of the characters in my past stories. Some these updates I knew first hand, while others I heard from my friends or other sources. Now, let's start with...

Queen of Diamonds... I think mentioned a while back that she was getting married to some guy. From what I heard from my friends, she did got married with him. Some of my friends painstakingly tried to hid this info from me, fearing that it might upset me somehow. While I do appreciate my friends' efforts to guard my feelings, the truth is whatever feelings I had for Queen of Diamonds are long gone. All that is left are memories, some happy, some sad, but whatever they were, I think of them as precious life story that I had to go through. Well, I'll say this much, for whatever happened in the end, she did changed my life, for the better, sorta...

The Swallow... I mentioned her once on this blog. It was a flash back episode. For those of you who knew me from way back when, I have known her for a while, since... eh, way back when in fact. Well, funny thing a few months ago, was it? She BB-ed me out of no where to ask for my address and my schedule. The purpose? To send an invitation for her wedding in Bali this coming June. While I said I seriously considering her invitation, I find the possibility having to mingle with other guests, whom I knew NONE of rather bleak, thus I am actually seriously considering NOT going to her wedding. Unless I find a date (that I like... Actually though, I kinda appreciate her invitation. I haven't been in contact with her for years, yet she remembered to invite me. Don't worry, I ain't imagining things for more than they actually are... I just I appreciate her... frienship...

EvenStar... From what I heard from her, her brother and her mom... She's finding Jakarta increasingly hard to live in. Even though she has a boyfriend now, she's seriously considering going back to Canada to find a job and if she's successful, she'll move back to Canada and dump the boyfriend. I met the boyfriend at her brother's (2nd) wedding, nice enough guy... The weird thing was, she didn't bother to introduce us though. We had to resort to talking and hung out on our own. Weird... Anyways, my thought on her... I think it's kinda of a good thing I didn't get to be with her, since she's leaving anyhow. Otherwise it'll be me she's dumping, instead of that dude... Plus, she's kinda of a louse too...

Provocateur... Speaking of someone too young, she left to China to study Chinese or something. We used to hung out a bit whenever she visited Jakarta, but things got a little weird when I got together with the Baroness. Some FB threats were involved, etc. So I guess it's a good thing that she's out of my life.

Baroness... I haven't heard or spoke to her since we broke up at the beginning of this year. I haven't had to inclination to speak to her again, I don't hate her or upset with her. I just don't feel like seeing her again.

Is there anyone else that I missed out? Just let me know which characters y'all want to learn the update on and I shall put them in on the next edition of Where Are They Now...

When I was in my 20s...

2010-04-11T00:57:00.000-07:00

Recent events in my life has led me to witness the behavior and thoughts of younger men... I can't help but to think whether I was once like them too in my behavior. Not all behavior related to a man in their 20s are considered negative, at least I do not think so... Although, if I were to describe myself when I was in my 20s would be something like rash, angry, confused, scared, obnoxious... Things that makes me feel embarrassed now. I guess I have to thank everyone who knew me then for their understanding and forgiveness.
How do I describe myself in my 30s? I don't know... Maybe I'll write it in ten years' time?

A Respectable Thirst...?

2010-04-06T22:35:00.000-07:00

I have been collecting alcoholic beverages for a few years now. Even though I don't really drink (much) anymore these days... Most of the time, I couldn't even tolerate anything more than 2 drinks. However, the idea of collecting some novelty or exquisite items is kinda intriguing. Perhaps is the idea that someday I will build my own mini-bar in my kitchen or living room or something... So I decided to embark on a shopping quest for alcoholic beverages that suits my taste...
Initially I collect champagnes... Why? Mostly because I saw the homes on MTV's Welcome to My Crib, the rapper homes usually have a fridge full of Krystals. Because Krystals aren't available in South East Asia, so I had to improvise... I worked my way up from regular bottles of Moet Chandon, to special editions such as Reserve Imperialle, etc... Now I have a few (too many) bottles of those, including a few Dom Perignon, Le Grande Dame and Perrier Jouliet. I have opened a few of the regular ones for birthdays and parties, but still unable to bring myself to open one of the better ones. Of course due to a heavy termite infestation, I had to throw away most of the cardboard boxes and evacuate my champagnes to the fridge.
Next in line, I buy and enjoy drinking Single Malt Scotch Whisky. I started drinking it (for leisure) when I was introduced to it during my college time. I started with 12 Years old Maccallan, then I started to look at other brands as well. Right now, I am in the process of comparing the taste of all the 25-30 Years Old line of the mainstream brands. I recently completed the set of Maccallan, Glenfiddich, Glenlivet and Glenmorainge (I don't know how many other Glens are out there) and I am looking forward to having a tasting get together with my friends... to argue whether whisky, like women, gets better with age...
One other item I have is a bottle of Kirschwasser from Germany. Essentially, it's Cherry Schnapps, except the fact that this is the real deal. Made from 100% cherries, distilled to become 47% of clear smooth alcohol with a great cherry aroma. Only available in Germany, I pulled many strings to get my hands on these...
So now, after all that time (and money) spent... I don't think I'm gonna stop just yet... Before long, I probably would need a bigger cabinet space...

Jet-Setting...

2010-04-06T22:25:00.000-07:00

On top of my work related travels...
I feel that I'm away a lot these days... Just within the span of 30 days, I've been to a Kendo Tournament in Hong Kong, a friend's wedding in Bali and just this past weekend I went to Singapore with my mom and sister...
Then there's the Sumatra visits, speaking of which I'm due over there tomorrow and next week...
The truth, I am feeling a little bit overwhelmed right now. With my increasing work related issues, I feel like I am unable to fully concentrate on the other stuff in my life... I feel my Kendo training has gone to the shitter, I feel I am not doing my work out as well as I could, not to mention my leisure time...
I feel that I need to prioritize and re-organize my life at this moment, so that I will be able to handle things as effectively as I could... Therefore I decided to take a little breather from Kendo for a while. I know that the timing sucks, it's less than 3 months before another national tournament and less than 6 months before ASEAN tournament, but my heart is just not in it right now. I'm constantly worried about other things and not to mention the fatigue level involved. On top of that, the pressure of being the leader of the Jakarta Kendo Association and being the senior student kinda got to me. I haven't been able to freely enjoy practice as much as I did recently... So maybe a little perspective will probably do me good... In the meantime, I can concentrate more on my work, my gym work out and maybe throw in a little fun in there somewhere.
I am planning to take about a month's break... maybe a little more or a little less, then again I may even decided to pop back at practice this Saturday, should I be jonesing for Kendo by then...

So... What Happened? (part 2)

2010-03-25T23:57:00.000-07:00

Well, I can't believe I haven't mentioned this before...
Around the end of last year, I started dating someone... Let's call her, let's see... Baroness...
I've known her for a while know... but I guess things just started rolling when we took a trip together to Japan last year. Anyways... it was pretty exciting at the beginning, just as with most relationships... However, after a couple of months, we kinda hit a snag...
Here's the story from my point of view :
We kinda grew apart... After a few months, I felt that we're communicating on different frequencies. Whatever connection I felt during our initial stages were overshadowed with these doubts and confusion. The lack of quality communication took its toll on me. To the point where I was stressed whenever I go out with her and I feel guilty if I don't go out with her. I tried talking it over with her and try to open up a dialogue, but her answer ("I'm happy with you.") were just not satisfactory. As if not only she's not acknowledging that we're having communication problems, she didn't want to discuss about it either... Finally on New Year's Day, I think she did the pre-emptive break-up thing on me... Seeing an exit, I took my chance and get the hell out of Dodge immediately and never looked back.
I didn't feel sad or bummed out over the end of this relationship. From time to time though, I had this thought in my head,
"You had a hot girl that was crazy about you, and you didn't want that... WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?"

Other than that... oh, yeah... some of my friends thinks that I break up with her because she didn't put out...

So... What Happened? (part 1)

2010-03-25T23:38:00.000-07:00

Yeah, so what happened? Just because I stopped writing, didn't mean nothing happened, right? Well, let's see...
The last thing I wrote was an 'upcoming' Kendo Tournament in Jakarta, let's just start with that one...
It was an exciting tournament for sure, as I predicted. In fact, I think I caught some of my matches on film. As I mentioned, many the participants were pretty evenly matched and experienced, so there weren't any guarantees on who would win...
To cut it short, Dark Knight was the champion (finally!! after 7 times runner up), God of Thunder took Silver and I took the bronze...
I lost to Dark Knight at the semis... I had a good time and it was a pretty good tournament...

Why, RickJames? Why?!

2010-03-25T23:22:00.000-07:00

I realized I have been away for a WHILE... A long while...
The reason why I started to write again was eh... letter writing campaign started by some of my friends. Especially my friends in the U.S...
I don't know what to say... I mean... Well, perhaps I should explain why I stopped writing for a while there.
I remembered before I took a break, I was reading my own writings these past couple of years... As I was reading them and remembering the point in my life which each of those stories transpired, I can't help but noticed that some of writings sounded... well, a lot of them sounded neurotic, whiny and some others were just down right self-indulgent. While I know I told the whole truth in my stories, it was pretty evident that I took a lot of liberty in my experimental writing style, as well as my story telling. Re-reading them made me think about the whole purpose of this blog, was it to inform my friends of my activities? As a therapy? Or was it merely just to entertain myself?
So that's why I decided to eh... re-think things over, regarding this blog... and before you know it, it's almost six months without an update!!
Anyways, I would like to say that I appreciate every one of your request for me to keep writing (yes, all 3 of you. While I don't know if I've had any break through in regards to my purpose in writing, I guess it's better off to just keep writing rather than not...

Finally Practice Log Again...

2009-10-07T23:14:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't wrote anything about Kendo, or about anything else for that matter, so here it goes...

The truth is I've been practicing all the while. I haven't missed too many practices, despite my schedule and all.
Yesterday was a rarity that not a lot of Senseis showed up for practice. Only M Sensei showed up... I found that he has been getting more and more aggressive lately, either that or I have regressed without realizing it. M Sensei has launched more men attack rather than his usual parry mode, kote and kaishi do. Truthfully, I feel that M Sensei perhaps is the strongest one in Kendo mentally and spiritually. I feel that not only he has the ability to sense an opening physically but even spiritually. Even though he's not the fastest, in fact his attacks seems pretty slow at times, he seems to be able to hit the opening at the right timing. Not only to the students, even to the more powerful Senseis, such as Mr. SMura and Mr. Concorde.
That being said, I have been having difficulties fighting M Sensei lately... Not that it's ever easy in the first place. Perhaps he has seen through my pattern of attack as well...
Other than that, perhaps due to my recovering from some flu, I have been feeling exhausted in the past few practices. It's true that I've been struggling with my weight in the past few months, but I have made some headway in the past couple of weeks, thanks to the advise of the Baroness... I have also been working out as my usual schedule.
I also had a few practices in with God of Thunder and Solid Snake. While all of them were good fun practices, I begin to find something withing me...
Perhaps due to my exhaustion, I often opted to go for the safety counter of debana kote when I fought Solid Snake. He has a very fast long range men attack that is difficult to anticipate. I usually counter it with attacking his maai, playing with the distance so that he will not be able to launch his attack easily. So far this tactic has been working quite well, especially when I counter his men with my own men attack. However, yesterday I found that he exposed his kote everytime he tried to launch an attack, which I capitalized on.
Fighting God of Thunder, however is another story all together.
He is physically the strongest amongst all of us... I found myself reluctant to go in whole heartedly for an attack, which resulted in his counters... After I refocused myself, I tried again for a more direct attacks on him. The result we're probably about even, although I am dissapointed that I was not able to hit anything clear and decisive.

With the Indonesian Tournament looming ahead in just 2-3 days, I wanted to get a few more practices and workouts in. The beauty of this year's tournament... there's so many contenders that anyone could end up winning it all. Unlike before, this time I don't even care which group I'm in or who I'm fighting first... It doesn't really matter this time...

The Dream of Glory... Back Then...

2009-09-03T06:35:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was still at the UW Madison Kendo Club...
It was the first time I've heard that there is a pretty active Kendo community in South East Asia. I was so excited that I was still able to continue fighting even after I graduated and imminently return to Indonesia. Of course being a young cocky upstart that I was, I told myself that I was going to be South East Asian Champion someday. I was pretty confident in my own skill and record, I thought the only way I could from there was up and nothing could stop me.

I have to admit that my thirst in pursuing Kendo isn't at it's height at this moment. While I still enjoy it, I don't find myself immersed in it. Perhaps due to my other activities and distractions. I am also not in my top shape at the moment, even though I am working at it... however, nothing seems to be working for the moment. I promised Master Djedi that I'd get myself ready for the next South East Asian Tournament next year somehow. Not only I'd have to get myself ready, I will have to get my team mates ready also. Even though it saddens me to have lost a few comrades along the way, I am very comfortable with the skill level and the chemistry we have now. Possibly the most comfortable we are with each other as a Kendo team. Perhaps this time we can capture the glory that has long eluded us...

I remember after my first taste of South East Asian Kendo Championship...
While it was a satisfactory result for the Indonesian Team, I was pretty disappointed with my own performance. I thought I was a non-factor during the team championship run, much less in the individual division. I was beginning to have doubts regarding my own skill, compared to my own team mates' and my competitors'. However, I was still determined to improve and make my mark in the next tournament. Yet again, I still dream that I'd be a champion someday.

The truth is however, I have lost that dream of becoming a champion. While I still haven't reached the goal I originally set for myself. Through my life, the meaning of Kendo has changed. Even though at times I forget, it is still an important part of my life. Perhaps one thing that keeping me together when times get though. Even though both times I've tried the result wasn't as good as I'd hoped it'd be, I don't know if I can sum up the energy and the ferocity that I once had. Not to mention my age and injury, I just don't know if these old legs still have it anymore.

I remember when I first started Kendo...
I was an overweight underachiever, who never puts any real effort in any endeavor in life. Kendo was the first thing I did that put me out of my own element of comfort. The first thing that I really had to try and fight in order to survive. I promised myself I'd never give up... to prove to myself more than anyone, I can do this!!

The Lines of Greens and Blues

2009-08-20T19:20:00.000-07:00

I seriously didn't see this one coming, but as soon as I read the news, I knew had to go, no matter what!! Mr. Big reunited for an Asian Tour and was headed for Jakarta.
You know Mr. Big, right? Billy Sheehan's band? They had a couple of big hit and ballads in the early 90s, but went obscure in the US after that. Well they continued on here in Asia until a few years ago... They were big not only in Japan, but other countries like Indonesia as well...
So I called up a bunch of my friends to see if any of them are going to the concert... Apparently Lost was going with a bunch of her friends (I didn't know who at the time), so I decided to join her group...
Closing on the concert day, I found out that Lost was going with RockStar, a high school buddy of mine whom she had a history with... Well, I didn't want to pry, I decided to play it cool (dumb) and not let it affect my concert mood. In fact, it's been years since I last seen RockStar and I was very much looking forward to hanging out with him again. Oh, we also invited Solid Snake as our getaway car driver for the night... we've got extra free tickets, so...
The concert was at some beach/amusement park area... due to the magnitude of this concert, we have to park like 2 miles away from the stage area. It was fine when we were walking towards the concert everyone was upbeat, excited and happy... We even half jogged on our way, not wanting to miss a good spot for the concert...
We did in fact found a good spot... not too far from the stage. We arrived around 30 minutes before Mr. Big starts at 11 PM...
They did play a good show... but seriously, after about an hour, my body started to give... I'm 33 after all... I was like," please get this over with and play 'To be with You' already!!!"
So well after midnight, they finally did their encore and sang 'To be with You'... I still had the energy to sing (scream) along to all their lyrics...
The walk back after the concert was the toughest, I know that it was only a couple of miles... but it's 1:30 AM for God's sakes... Everyone was dragging themselves to their cars...
We didn't reach home until around 3 AM. Beat, smelly and in pain... Would I do it again? Hell yeah!! It's not often you get to see the band you like (or use to like) playing in Jakarta, I think from now I will keep my eyes and ears wide open for events like this in the future...

Episodes Revisited

2009-08-20T18:47:00.000-07:00

During my work stay in Sumatra, I got an unexpected message from Evenstar...
I haven't heard from her in a while... While we never actually broke off contact, we never kept in touch either. It was rather pleasant to hear from her again...
From what I gathered, she still working hard at her present job, she even got offered for a permanent position. However, she is seriously considering going back to Canada next year. I guess she never felt at home here in Indonesia, it is Canada where she truly belongs... In any case, I congratulated her on her work progress and wished her the best of luck where ever her future endeavors may be.
The second news I got from her was : Queen of Diamonds is said to be getting married next year. I think Evenstar was worried of my well being when she told me the news, didn't know how I was going to react.
Strangely, I felt indifferent... both to Evenstar's moving back decision and to Queen of Diamond's marriage news... I admitted to Evenstar that I did had a hard time in the beginning with Queen of Diamonds, but it's been around 2 years now and I've let it go... no hatred no anger, no nothing...
In the end we were just feeling surprised that it has indeed been 2 years since this whole thing ended (started)...

I've got a few more stories up my sleeves, just need a good angle to write them...
Stay tuned, folks...

I don't know where to begin, because it never ends...

2009-08-05T06:41:00.000-07:00

Balance...
That was the whole thing I was striving for for these past few years. Achieving balance in my life, my work, while I keep fighting to reach the goal...
The goal is simple enough, happiness, a life that I want, my Sanctuary. Reaching for it, however, it's a whole other matter.
A series of event somehow sidetracked me from my own course for a little while there. Some due to my own negligent, while others are coincidental factor. What surprised me the most was that how easily I was thrown off my game plan only to revert back to my previous incarnation, even after all these years and all that I have done and achieved.
Before I know it, I was off my balance, we're talking way off... I'm neglecting my exercises, my friends and some parts of my work. Close to rock bottom...
I need to snap out of this soon, and I've started doing parts of what I needed to do, while the rest... I need the support of my friends...

Looking Back...

2009-07-15T04:15:00.000-07:00

I was backing up some files on my hard drive when I came across my old journal notes from 2001 until very early 2005. I was re-reading some of my writings at the time, I can recall various events in my life as it was written on the journal. I also recall some of the feelings and surrounding events that took place around that period.
My first impression, I come across as a whiny ass snot... No wonder I was going nowhere in life, feeling stressed and complained a lot. I also felt a little stupid as I was reading the 'partying' or girl related story lines...
A friend of mine once mentioned that reading my blog is pretty just like listening to myself speaking... Well if that's how I sounded... yeah, I could understand...
Then again, this makes me think on how I sounded on my PRESENT journal... Perhaps, if I would read this again 5 years later, I would cringe as well...

Hmm... as I was writing this, a thought occured. Perhaps my self loathing is even stronger than I thought it'd be that I dislike myself via my own writing...

Rush Order

2009-07-15T04:13:00.001-07:00

Well, where have I been, you may ask...
Work got a hold of me that's where, then I was kinda sick for a few days, etc. Now I am back for my double shift in Sumatra. I have to get back to Jakarta this weekend for that Kendo event thing, then back to Sumatra. Man... I really need a break!

Wanted Man

2009-06-24T07:33:00.001-07:00

Mr. SMura asked Mr. Djedi whether the excuse of my absence last Sunday for Kendo was indeed valid... The truth is while I told him I had family matters to attend to, in actuality I could not get my work out of my mind that day. I ended up staying home the whole day rushing to finish the content of my upcoming presentation. After I was halfway done, the computer crashed!! So I had no choice but to re-do everything forthe rest of the night. I think I finally finished it around midnight.
I managed to squeeze in a good hour of working out at the gym and dinner with my family during my break time.
So there you go...

A Year Older

2009-06-24T07:30:00.000-07:00

As I meantioned, it was my birthday last week. I am officially 33 now. I think I've already started feeling like I'm 35 since a couple of years ago. There was not much fanfare for my birthday and that's just the way I liked it. I had dinner with my friends and then my family and that's about it...
I guess the older you get, the less you think about it...

Prequel to Rick James : The Swallow

2009-06-24T06:51:00.000-07:00

As I was chatting with Swallow, I couldn't believe that it has been almost ten years since Boston and at least five years since the last time I saw her. I couldn't believe that it has been that long ago the she was the one girl that I could not get out of my mind for years after we parted ways.

We were introduced a long time ago by a mutual friend. I don't know how it happened, but I could feel an instant connection when I first saw her. Needless to say I was very much attracted to her. As time went by, we spent more and more time together and we became closer. However, as I professed my feelings for her, she declined and chose to remain as close friends. Little did I know that my decision to be friends with her would led to many unpleasant experiences for the remainder of my days in Boston.
(I've had the idea of this story for a while now, I never realized how emotional it would be for me when I'm actually putting it down to words)
Of course at the time, I have not yet learned anything that I would eventually learn about The Game, interacting with women, etc. Thus, even though perhaps there was a chance, I was too clueless to notice. I admit that we had pleasant memories of us hanging out together with friends and exploring the night life of Boston. For the most part, we were indeed close friends. However, it all came crashing that one night. My best friend from high school came to visit me during the end of my Boston stay... I could never forget his betrayal, in my car while I was driving, perhaps the single worst night of my life ever. His betrayal, her disregard of my feelings, my own stupidity. After that night, I remember it was the first time I had trouble sleeping, a symptom that would haunt me off and on until this day. While I tried to forget it, the scar never really healed and that image is perhaps forever burned into my mind.
I couldn't get her out of my mind for a few years even after we parted ways and left Boston. During the first few years of my life in Indonesia, even when I was with other women, I could often found myself longing for her. As if she was the only one for me and I need to try somehow, only I don't know how...
After a few years, eventually someone else stepped into my life and affected me the way Swallow did. She practically erased Swallow off of my mind and made herself my object of my dreams and eventually my affection. Her name is Queen of Diamonds.

My friendship with my high school buddy survived a few years after that night, until some other unrelated events transpired and I decided its best that I leave him behind and move on with my life. I have to admit perhaps the fact that I couldn't forget what happened between him and Swallow had something to do with my decision. However, as I was growing into a man of my own, there was simply no room in my life for someone like him.
My experience with Swallow also taught me not to be close friends with any women whom I am attracted to. Take it or leave it, all or nothing... I would rather risk a brief separation anxiety than to experience that night all over again. No matter what Dr. Melvi may have said, I don't think this is a decision I will change.

As I finished chatting with her, I had strangely pleasant feeling... Suddenly the memories of our time spent together in Boston came back to me. For the longest time I failed to remember our time as friends whenever I think of Boston. Even though it was a pleasant memory, it was nothing like that feeling I had for her back then... I think some things are better laid to rest...

Aristocraps

2009-06-24T06:26:00.000-07:00

I was in Singapore last week, for my scheduled orthopedic check up as well as appointment with Dr. Melvi. I decided to meet her up there, since I could not make her time schedule when she was in Jakarta.
Coincidentally, my friend In or Out was there as well with his parents. I think he was there to accompany them for their check up. When both our schedule was free, we decided to meet up and walk around the streets of downtown Singapore, being it was the Great Singapore Sale month and all...
After a few stops here and there, In or Out insisted us to stop by a certain department store, because it has the perfume counter that he frequented. A special counter that only sells 'boutique perfumes' du Paris or something... Can't be found anywhere else in South East Asia and it cost over $100 a bottle, a 100ml bottle. Since I seldom wore perfume, unless I go out at night, etc... I was appalled by the idea of spending more than the usual brands of perfume that's available in any department store. I thought the idea was just egotistical burgueoise and gay!! In or Out on the other hand was just enjoying himself with the different brands, smells and flavors the store had to offer. I must say, some the scents were indeed interesting, but most of their prices were rather ridiculous... and the idea of it, still seem rather gay to me...
So, we each left the counter and department store with a $100 worth perfume bottle in our bags. Yeah I know, I know... I sold out, but In or Out's retort kinda got to me...
"You know Rick, there WAS a time when you didn't know what an IWC Portuguese was... "

Snake Bite

2009-06-22T00:01:00.000-07:00

I've been doing some practices and mock matches with Solid Snake in the past few weeks. I am not sure if I'm slacking or he's improving... maybe a little of both. I found it more and more difficult to gain the upper hand with him these days. He's young, fast and a dedicated quick learner for that matter.
Recently, I have barely managed to squeak by with marginal victory or even penalties with him.
There's a mid-year tournament next month. Last year Solid Snake was able to beat God of Thunder, let's see how he does this time around...
Waitaminute...
How he does this time around? Let's see how I do this time around!!
I'm STILL Rick James, bitch!!

Time Out

2009-06-21T23:53:00.000-07:00

Yes I know it was my birthday sometimes last week... but that wasn't why I haven't been able to put up some more of my journal entries in more than a week.
I had to travel for a little last week, rest assured, I will write something about that... plus, I am in a middle of preparing for a big presentation next week that took most of my time and attention. I think I've got most of the content down, so y'all should be expecting some more entries in the next few days...

I Gots the Need, the Need for... Limitations !? (epilogue sequel)

2009-06-11T09:26:00.000-07:00

Don Langeo's Final Thoughts (before I told him to STFU) :

Rick James,

I can safely say that anyone quoting Tropic Thunder obviously has their
shit together and their priorities straight.
I agree that goals are good to have but do you run the risk of not
achieving a particular goal and therefore feeling that you are trapped
at a particular stage in your life.
I think I heard this in some King Fu "B" movie - the truly enlightened
man wants for nothing. If you want for nothing - you have everything.
Now snatch the pebble from my hand Grasshopper!
As far as the be all you can be vs. accepting yourself argument - I
think I fall somewhere in between. I think that everyone should strive
to push themselves to be the best person possible. However, to quote the
great Dirty Harry - "A man's got to know his limitations". A person who
does not know or respect their limitations will continually strive for
the unattainable - thereby frustrating themselves and detracting from
those things that they do excel at by focusing their energies in an
unproductive manner.
I'm glad to hear that you are enjoying Chickenfoot. When I heard about
them I figured they'd be right up your alley.
I'm looking forward to seeing you in "Fast and Furious XVll - Bandung
Drift"!

Translation to the Kamae (epilogue)

2009-06-10T18:32:00.000-07:00

Thankfully those are the main issue bothering me at this moment. There are other things of course, but nothing too serious at this point. I have started distancing myself from my past 'hobbies' in order to gain perspective in my life, to truly reach out rather than looking from behind my walls. It is a slow process, not an instant one. I had my ups and downs with this... Mostly downers. I am worried that I might fall back into another comfort zone, ironically... I want to snap myself out of this, but in my current state, I don't know where to go or how to do it...

Mechanics of the Game

2009-06-10T05:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I felt that I knew it all...
I knew when to lean in closer and when to sit back comfortably...
I knew when to listen, when to laugh and when to sympathize...
I knew when to make a witty remark, a crazy remark and a serious hint...
I knew what she truly said by the words that she chose, the position of her arms, legs and body...
I knew what she's thinking or feeling by looking at her posture, her face and her movements...
Backhanded complements, puzzling answers, sitting position, smiling expression, gleam of the eye, I learned them all and did them all...

For a while there, it was working too, perhaps too well... For once in my life, I was the one with the power, the power to choose and decide. While my conscience never actually let me abuse this power, I was however, enjoying this position very much. Until I realize something was missing, an important element, the basics of it all : the feeling.

While I know that I am far from being an expert on this and most people would just think that I'm crazy, I am pretty sure that what I have learned these past 3 years is indeed a powerful tool. A tool that I need, since I wasn't one who is natural with social skillz. A friend of mine got me into The Game and upon finishing it, I knew I had to learn more. I read more books, listened to audio lectures, online paragraphs, everything... While each authors has their own valid point and strengths in their argument, I finally chose upon a set which I found suited most with my personality. While I do not think that it is the whole factor of my social life, I do believe that it has been a great help for me these past few years...
After a while, however, everything started to be tedious, mechanical and repetitive, I felt increasingly numb after each encounter. I found that the doctrene of The Game to be the opposite of my feelings... After all, I still do not understand how you will find love without using your feelings?

Dr. Melvi had a theory... Since I went from one extreme to another in a relative short period of time, somehow The Game had backfired on me. I am using it to build more walls instead of reaching out...
As I am writing this, I am still confused. Perhaps this is the REAL cause of my stagnation. I realize the usefulness of this tool, yet I don't want to be trapped again within the same spiral. Easier said than done, it's not like it is something I can turn on/off like a light switch.

I Gots the Need, the Need for... Self Validation?!? (conclusion)

2009-06-09T18:22:00.000-07:00

Don Langeo,

It's funny that you mentioned the phrase the world passing me by because that is exactly how I feel these past few days. However, either I think you misunderstood my point a little bit or I am the one who's actually confused. The point of the sports car is not that I need material validation of who my own being.
"I know who I am! I'm the dude, playing the dude disguised as another dude!"
Instead, it's one of the goals I have set for myself in life that I need to achieve before I move on to my next stages in life. I want to someday favorably look back to thing I have done, rather than what might have been. We all know that our goals changes from after time... well, this one has been bugging me over the past 10 years! I think it's about time I put it to rest and get it over with.
Since you mentioned it, what's your opinion on the whole be the best you can be vs accepting who you are issue? I believe I wrote about that a little while back.
However, I assure you this is not the case where I need materials to validate my own existence. It's just that I need to move on and I need something fast to move on in...
What kind of car am I gonna get? Well, money and availability is the most important issue. I can only get a used car and sports cars are not so easy to come by here. I don't think I can find a 1967 custom faded yellow Chevy Camarro with black racing stripe, plus I am not too familiar with engines, etc... Most likely? BMW or Japanese imports... at this moment, anything 2 seaters with a minimal of 3 litre engine is under consideration (except for a Subaru). I just can't believe a certain movie franchise about illegal racing has this much hold over me.
I was loving Chickenfoot when I listened to them last night. Basically, I am loving any band out there who plays straight out rock and roll these days. However, Chickenfoot sounds like Van Hagar with Steve Vai trying to prove to the world that he's better than Eddie. Saying that, of course Velvet Revolver is essentially Guns and Roses with a replacement (no less crazy) singer. Having said that, I loved them all!!

I Gots the Need, the Need for... (part 2)

2009-06-09T17:55:00.000-07:00

My Comment :
Don Langeo,
I am honored that you have given your time of day at this... time of day to grace me with your wisdom... I pray that may your first child be a masculine child...
(at this moment, I am feverishly illegally downloading anything that is
connected to the name Chickenfoot)
I view the sports car question is more than just an issue of my current financial and dependant status. Psychologically, I view as a step in the process of my own 'healing', 'being' and 'self-actualization'. Not blaming, rather than accepting and acknowledging, I think I didn't have a totally happy childhood, especially my teen and post teen years.
This has caused me to have a 'root programing' based on self-loathing and low self esteem. Always having in mind that I am not good enough and not deserving certain things in life... Perhaps you could remember my often angry state of mind a few years back.
Through the events of my recent years, things I went through, things I have learned, I have gotten better. I have gained some of the skillz and confidence which have alluded me in the past. In the process, I became less extreme in my demeanor, more balanced... I thought I have conquered this demon, yet it still found its way to surface from time to
time. I still need to take baby steps towards the Rick James direction, to be a complete person... Trying to be the best I can be, yet accepting who I am. The sports car is a manifestation of one of these steps... I feel that by denying myself the object I desire, no matter how unimportant it is, I actually denying myself to be... Instead falling back to the same old trap and repeating the same cycle.
I realize this may sound like a self righteous, self justification
bullshit for buying a sports car, but that is how I truly feel...
I just hope that it is correct.

Don Langeo's Response :
Quoting one of my favorite scenes from the Godfather with Luca Brasi - he was always loyal to Vito. I was bummed when he got strangled.

I'm curious to hear your opinion of Chickenfoot after listening to them.

The one concern I would have regarding the sports car and your Psychological well being is that you associate material things such as cars, jewelry, etc. with your self worth. Someone will always have a bigger/better car, watch, house, etc. The key is to enjoy what you have and feel good in the fact that you worked hard to earn them - and can appreciate them even more because of that.
I applaud you for trying to be the best person you can be. However, I would caution you to not get lost in the quest and find out too late that life has passed you by. As you stated in your e-mail - I think the key is to accept who you are. Work on those things which need improving but know that perfection is unattainable. Bottom line - enjoy the toys for the right reasons - not the wrong ones.
I have to ask - what kind of sports car are you considering?

I Gots the Need, the Need for... (part 1)

2009-06-09T07:11:00.000-07:00

These excerpts are taken from a recent correspondence I had with Don Langeo.

First Letter :
Don Langeo,
Here's one thing I wanted to ask you...
I finally have saved up some money to buy perhaps a second hand sports car... I am asking the wisdom from you, my godfather in regards to this
matter...
On one hand I know it's an unnecessary spending... However, it is something I have always wanted for a long long time now... Not to show off, but as sort of a self validation. I fear that if I hold myself back on this one thing, I could hold myself back too... you know, not following through with your dream, etc...
Also, I am single... right now I can afford it, I am not married, got no kids (that I know of)... If I hold of on this one, and who knows what happens in the future... I may get old before I know it... Perhaps the next time I will get to do is when I'm 60 or something!!

Don Langeo's Response :
Don Langeo gives you his blessing to purchase a sports car. I agree, you have no commitments at this time in your life - other than to yourself. Once you settle down and start a family you may never have the opportunity to fulfill this dream you've had. Why not splurge and enjoy yourself while you can. Should you settle down at some point you can always trade the sports car in for a mini van :-)
I noticed that once I settled in with Gina and Jeremy many of the things I thought I always wanted - cool guitars, cars, watches etc. became much less important to me. Priorities change over time - if this is something you've always wanted and you have the means at this time to attain it -
I say go ahead and enjoy it.

The part of Mexico I was in was pretty safe - I left before the big swine flu outbreak. Did you hear that Sammy, Michael Anthony, Joe Satriani and the drummer from the Red Hot Chili Peppers started a new band called Chickenfoot. I think they just released their debut CD.

Breaching Walls...

2009-06-09T06:18:00.000-07:00

Dr. Melvi warned me a couple months ago, that her therapy may not always be pleasant. I may have to confront feelings, thoughts or memories that I have suppressed in order for me to be able to let go of my pain(s) and move on with my life. There were a couple of events that I have faced in these past few months, but most of them were not major episodes that could broke me down... Perhaps, I THOUGHT I had moved on when in fact, I was merely running away for them to catch up to me again...
Honestly, it is quite difficult for me to write this piece (even at this moment), because writing this means facing the issue, remembering them, putting them down orderly in words, instead of jumbled fragments of thoughts and memories.
In the past few years, many things happened... Sometimes drastically, to the point that I have no 'time' to recollect these events and put them in perspective. These drastic changes, some did gave the good kick in the head I needed and deserved... Others however, have built additional illusions and walls that prevented me to 'let go'.
I was up a little late last sunday night, thinking about nothing in particular, when I was abruptly reminded of my current state of social life and my past failures. I admit it's a little bit hard to take, even at this stage in my life...
Perhaps I need to break it down a little bit to simplify, even for my own understanding...

Translation to the Kamae ( Prologue )

2009-06-04T01:00:00.000-07:00

I think aside from the Kendo interpretation, I think I could think of my recent Kendo problems as : the stagnation in my life...
If I rewind a little bit further back, I could see that some of these so-called stagnation is self inflicted... maybe it's Karma... Keep in mind that I am a person that can be confused quite easily.
So looking a little bit deeper, let us observe what's holding me back (myself)...

Akiba Syndrome

2009-06-03T23:54:00.000-07:00

So I practically kidnapped Solid Snake to go to our new Dojo on Saturday. We arrived a bit late there, it was a full house indeed... Mr. M, Mr. KKawa, Mr. Concorde, Mr. KByashi, Mr. KGata and Mr SMatsu were already hard at practice... Solid Snake and I being the only Indonesian there, had a tough but fun practice cut out for us. Even though I had a hell of a time there... There were two or three majors advises that were presented to me :

1. Mr. KKawa commented on my kamae. He said my kamae is a product of my own comfort, not an offensive kamae for attacking. While it is nice to be comfortable in my own kamae, ultimately it is how we attack that matters in Kendo. Thus, he suggested me to move my arms forward about 1 cm during kamae, so that my stance would be more 'offensive'>

2. Mr. Concorde told me that sometimes during the moment before an attack, I would move my kamae upwards. While I deduce that's probably due to my recent tendencies to raise my shinai to attack men or (trying to) counnter using men-kaishi-do attack. Mr. Concorde told me that in an event of an offensive maneuver, it's better to aim our shinai lower, to concentrate our offense of the opponent's center or 'tanden'...

3. After he ALMOST beat me, Solid Snake commented that my footwork was sloppy... Not as smooth and crisp as before...

The next day, I went through basic practice with no problem. However, my stomach was acting up so bad after that I had through sit out the rest of the day...

To be Human...

2009-05-28T01:57:00.000-07:00

I have been friends with Jive Tongue for many years now, in fact, he was my first close friend since I came back to Indonesia so many years ago. Even though we share many similar traits (even looks), it is Kendo that always been our connecting bond. In fact Kendo was how we connected in the first place.
Over the years, Jive Tongue and I experienced our shares of life, with its many joys and disdains. We each grew to be our current incarnations, perhaps not as joyous and similar was when we first me, but I still believe he has my back and I hope he still trust me the same way.
The main difference between us is our core belief in who we are, what we are and what we should be… our life ideology you could say.
Jive Tongue currently believes that one should be content with who they are and what they are.
While I believe that one should strive to be the best they could be.
Also, Jive Tongue usually believes he’s mostly right, while I believe that I could be wrong… sometimes… occasionally…
So, there was a moment where I doubted my own life belief. Trying to be the best you can be sure sounds good on paper, but in reality it is an endless journey of self examination, effort, toil and self loathing. If you’re successful, however, you are rewarded with TEMPORARY joy, pride and satisfaction. As soon as the euphoria subsided, you’re back to your toiling and self loathing ways…
Being happy in who you are, what you are… sounds simple enough. However, how happy can you live with yourself when you’re constantly tormented with the ‘what may have been’? Knowing that perhaps you could have done something extra-ordinary with your life but didn’t… Regret and conventionality, those are tortures not less severe than the other…
I think there really isn’t a clear answer on which outlook is the right one or which one is the wrong one. One may work best for someone, while other may work better for others… I admit there was a time recently when I first encountered this argument with Jive Tongue, that I truly doubted myself and the way I live my life. It was not until I heard the familiar voice of Brent Spiner, whom said something along the lines of…

“Striving to be better than what we are, that’s what makes us human…”

After the Break...

2009-05-26T07:07:00.000-07:00

So it has been 2-3 weeks since I last practiced. Between my work schedule and my health, I had to take a little bit of time off in the past couple of weeks.
I came back to practice this past Sunday, just so happen that most of our senseis were away that weekend for an event in Bandung.
I had no time going through the basic practice, of course it is NOT our usual Mr. SMura Special. Just a simple format and not as intensive, of course...
My stamina was alright to get through the basic practice, which I found was rather surprising since I was still recovering from some weird ass flu, that never seem to go away.
I opted to fight my fellow students, because there weren't that many senseis around. As soon as my first fight started, I realize that I was still not 100%, the first thing I noticed was the disturbance in my Force... Although I was still able to fend off a few people, there were one or two occasion when I thought some of my juniors had a good score on me. After a few rounds, I started feeling my back sore/pain... my cue to take a rest and that was it for me that day.

Taking it Easy(er)...

2009-05-26T06:20:00.000-07:00

So, what can I change in regards to my routines? The workouts that I thought would be beneficial towards my Kendo and my overall well being turned out to be a big drain of my energy and my health. Over training perhaps, added with my work travel schedule, it takes its toll on my body.
So what can I change? What can I do better?
I know for the time being I cannot change my work schedule, nor my traveling schedule. I also know that I cannot change the Kendo practice schedule.
What I can perhaps change is my work out schedule and routines. I think I have been building too much unnecessary muscle (weight). While I can still handle myself, I think it would be better if I could lean down a bit... Perhaps I should replace most of my weight lifting routines with other alternatives that is less muscle building oriented, but more endurance oriented for instance. Adding some of that time to the cardio portion could be beneficial as well.
The other thing that I could perhaps change is my diet. Maybe I should switch to more soy or plant based protein, instead of the whey protein I've been consuming all these times. Cutting down on my food intake could perhaps help as well...
I will need to consult with my trainer about this... I hope it will bring me some good and I will not get fat because of it.

Accidental Break

2009-05-23T07:30:00.000-07:00

About a couple of weeks ago, I was contemplating some sort of vacation from Kendo. I was feeling exhausted, uninspired and in dire need for some rest from my routine activity. Because my current work load hasn't allowed me to take time for a real vacation (yet). However, there were some things going on in Kendo that also could not allow me to take some time off... Little did I know, my body wasn't able to take it too much longer.
I guess I am getting old, all that work, traveling, work out and Kendo take their toll. I think I feel older than my actual age sometimes...
Well, last week I started to feel it on my way back from Sumatra. I suddenly felt some sort of allergies forming on me, I couldn't sleep well, cold symptoms and all... I missed one weekend of Kendo because of that. Even though my allergy symptoms were gone after a couple of days, my body was just not having it for the rest of the week.
While I intended to rest, my work schedule was just not having it. So by midweek, I crashed. While I did (could) not miss any work time, anything else beyond that was just comprised of mostly resting. Forget about Kendo, I could not even hold my own working out at the gym today. Nevertheless, in total, I have missed Kendo for the past 3 weeks I think, so I am trying to make my comeback tomorrow...
To avoid similar situation in the future, I am trying and thinking about several things... I have not smoked for about a week, and trying seriously to quit now. I think I may have to re-think about my whole work out routine, since I have to keep in my mind that I cannot change my Kendo routine. In conjunction with the work out routine, I also may have to change my diet... I need to shed these excess muscle.
I hope it'll be enough...

Friendly Foes

2009-05-14T05:04:00.000-07:00

So, Jive Tongue dislikes God of Thunder, while God of Thunder is oblivious to it. He still regards Jive Tongue as one of his closest friends. Jive Tongue's reasoning is understandable for people who knows God of Thunder... God of Thunder is not a bad person, even though he does act irresponsible, selfish and like an ass every so often. Then again, I just usually deal with him in a passive aggressive mannerism. Then again, God of Thunder owes me much, I think... and I am pretty much his only friend here in Indonesia, so he got no choice but to relent to me once in a while.
On another note, it seems Noodle King and Jive Tongue holds an increasing silent grudge with each other. Noodle King is a rich and intelligent dude, with all that qualifications, the giant ego also comes along with it. Jive Tongue is currently depressed, but he usually likes to be regarded as the smartest or best looking guy in the room. Strangely enough, Noodle King and Jive Tongue has known each other for a long time, for longer than I've known them.
What's my problem in regard all of these feuds? They are all my close friends, and each of them asks me to hang with them on a regular basis... without the other parties of course. This has caused me some headache...
Oh, Noodle King hates God of Thunder as well, even though they have only met a few times... and of course, God of Thunder is oblivious to this as well.

Sometimes I wish to God I don't know now things I didn't know then...

Over Kendo

2009-05-07T22:46:00.000-07:00

I think I overdid it a little this past weekend...
On Saturday, I dragged myself to our temporary dojo at Mr. Concorde's apartment complex. The participants were myself, Mr. Concorde, Mr. KGawa and Mr. KBYashi. It was a good session, we did our basic rotations and we continued on to our Keiko sessions. There were only 4 of us, thus we were able to take our time and paces. However, since all the other attendees were of higher level than myself, I found myself having to put everything I got on the line to be able to keep up with everyone else. Especially Mr. Concorde, once we practiced tournament style, it was as if he yelled "Shazam!" and transformed into a super-being. None of my usual techniques could even touch him. Needless to say, our 'match' was over in a blink of an eye.
Overall, I was not disappointed with the practice on Saturday. Although, it did leave me when one question though... When we're at Kamae with the opponent, which is more important; to project our Semme to the opponent or to feel the opponent's Semme? I think what happened on Saturday was I was projecting my Semme to all my opponents that I neglected to feel theirs... I hope someone could help me answer this...
The next day, we had a visit from Mr. T... Mr. T used to be a member at the Jakarta Kendo Club, since he was re-stationed in Japan, he comes to visit us every once in a while. While he wasn't necessarily the strongest of the Senseis, I still owe him much in terms of my Kendo for the kind advise he gave me a few years back. I tried to present him with my best Kendo when I practiced him, I hope I wasn't disappointing. After that, I concentrated with practicing with my juniors, I wanted to try to see what level they were at as well as seeing their capabilities against someone more advance, with each other and someone in between (Solid Snake)... even if we had to go for an extra hour after the official session ended.
The result : my feet were sore for a few days following the back to back intense practice. Coinciding with a family even I need to attend, I think may take this weekend leave from Kendo, to rest and all...

Padawan

2009-05-07T22:17:00.000-07:00

Solid Snake moved to Jakarta a couple of weeks after the Hong Kong Tournament ended. As soon as he landed, the 'problems' started... Prior to starting his employment, he didn't plan ahead on his accommodations, etc, thus he (with my help) had to scramble at the last minute to find a suitable place with the best location and at an affordable price. I realize that it's an immature thing that he did by not planning ahead, but then again there's a moment in every boy's life that he started to become a man, right? I hope that this is the beginning of it for Solid Snake.
So I try to help Solid Snake with his transition to working in a big city alone. I feel he has the potential for good in him and I hate to see it go to waste. Why do I feel compelled? Let's just say that I had a similar experience when I had to move to work to Boston with no friends, no place to stay, etc... It wasn't a pleasant period in my life and I don't wish it to anyone I know, especially my friends.
I explained to him that the most important thing for him right now is to concentrate on his job and expand his OWN wings in Jakarta... I will try to help him whenever I can, but there's only so much I can do... Mostly, he needs to do it for himself, as a man.

These Dreams...

2009-05-03T15:31:00.000-07:00

I woke up in the middle of the night, twice...
Nothing serious, although the words of Dr. Melvi lingers in my mind this past few days...
"... you went from one extreme to another, maybe you need to take a step back..."
In fact, that's what I have been doing for these past few weeks, taking a step back and re-evaluate myself and my life style. A lot of these things that I have been doing for these past couple of years have grown meaningless and less... Often times, I was just going through the motion, to get out there and practice what The Game preaches. My Inner Balance, going out, 'show her a good time', call her again OR NOT, wash rinse and repeat. I was doing everything right, with precision, devoid of feelings.
I dunno man, since Hong Kong I started to feel some of my old emotions started showing again, I cried, I laughed out loud, some things I hadn't done in a long while, at least not genuinely. I didn't know what triggered them, perhaps it was a short, intense yet relaxing trip I had in Hong Kong. Perhaps it was just about damn time that some of my true self start to surface.
I really don't know what to make of this new development, I don't even know if this is a step forward or backwards for me. All I know is that it's making me re-evaluate a lot of things in priority list, the sports car, the watches, the trips I'm planning, my soul searching trip I am planning to go, who do I want to be with... EVERYTHING... However, life moves on. I still gotta go to work, which where I seems to be a lot at these days. I honestly, as I'm writing this right now a couple of things, a couple of people popped into my head. I still don't even have a slightest clue of what I should do about everything...
Oh by the way, I was writing this as I was watching 'Yes Man', I would totally fuck Zooey Deschanel...

The Arc of My Swing

2009-04-27T18:41:00.000-07:00

Mr. SMura told me during our basic practice, "You're only hitting, not cutting!!". That wasn't the first he told me that, before he told me that I swing my sword like swinging a hammer not a sword. Honestly, I don't understand the difference! I followed the instruction on how to raise my arms, use my left hand as pivot point as I swing down, etc... I can here the 'swoosh' sound of the sword and yet my swing isn't correct? It is quite difficult for me to grasp the concept of cutting like a sword vs hitting like a hammer when my weapon of choice has always been my shinai. Speaking of which, I think I will order a few more good ones online.
Mr. SMura does hit harder than most people in the dojo, but not too hard that it's unbearable. Is that proper cutting technique? Is hitting harder and not letting my bamboo sword bounce off the top of my opponent's head = proper cutting? I wish someone could enlighten me on this one.
On an unrelated note, in the middle of Jakarta's blistering heat, I was feeling fine during practice. I was able to last the whole session without feeling tired or sluggish as I did in the previous weeks. I found it strange since I have not been working out at all for the previous week. This made me wonder, could it be that my schedule and my work out actually goes against my Kendo? That I am over-training all these times and not realizing it?

Meet the Rick James...

2009-04-21T07:01:00.000-07:00

The Fear
For as long as I can remember, I have been haunted by a fear of the unknown. I don't know what caused it in the beginning, for I couldn't recall. The fear manifested well into my present form of adulthood. I fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of inadequacy, fear of possibilities... Perhaps it is the one single factor that has held me back in the past. Somehow, I have a feeling that this perhaps is hereditary...

The Doubt
I seriously doubt my ability in my everyday life. I often feel that I am not doing enough with what I have been given. Being too hard on myself, so to speak. I think this aspect has serious connection with The Fear. Along with being afraid, doubts also caused myself to be indecisive at times...

The Compassion
At times, I could show considerable compassion towards others. Especially friends in need. I don't know why... Maybe I was born this way. Perhaps also there were times in my life when I was in need when I had no one to turn to. However, more importantly was there WAS someone who helped me when I needed it... this could be my unconscious attempt in paying them back for all of the people who have played a part in my life. Speaking of which, I remember a long time ago... someone told me that my Kendo will not go far because of this... Maybe it's true...

The Rage
Well... we remember that one now, don't we? It just happened this past weekend. It used to happen more often, when it does... I didn't who's in front of me, will it be my parents, my boss, my teacher... I just go charging in like a rabid wolverine. Although I sometimes wish I have them retractable claws...
This is one aspect of my psyche I fear the most. Even though nothing physical has happened so far out of it... but it could easily destroy my life and everything I had worked for...

The Schemer
Now this one... Sometimes when I'm on, I'm ON! I can even analyze and predict events before it happens. Of course many people accused me of over-analyzing things. However, often times I could turn this trait to my own advantage. There are times that I was wrong with analysis, but then again I am usually right!!

The Trickster
I have great sense of humor, I know that, people know that... However only a few people know that I also have a warped and perverted sense of humor. I can think of the most perverted humor in many situations people regards as ordinary or even tragedy. I even do things to my own amusement... Sometimes at the expense of others... Of course so far I haven't done anything that did any damage to the other party just for my own amusement... at least, not yet...

The Outburst : Aftermath

2009-04-21T06:26:00.001-07:00

Even though I don't feel I was at wrong for being upset/angry at Sergeant H for his behavior, a big part of me still wishes that whatever took place last Sunday didn't happen. I guess I have to be thankful to Mr. SMura for restraining me that day... I was flying hot at the time, even though I fully intended to voice my complaint through the proper channels, who knows what would have happened...
I haven't experienced the Rage for a long time... Thinking back, I think it has been at least a few years since it last happened. I remembered that I could control it even less back then, but the reason was almost similar...

This Week's Kendo Update

2009-04-20T01:45:00.001-07:00

Wednesday's Practice
I went to practice at our temporary dojo last week's wednesday. Mainly because a lot of my friends were coming as well. Which was pretty unusual for a week night practice. Since I'm in town and free, I decided to go.
The practice was alright... It was quite tough but I had managed to pull through. I think the highlight for me was not whether I was able to hit a point or found any breakthrough during the session. Rather, there was a point during the practice that I hit the mentality of "whatever happens! I don't care!" I didn't care whether I was going to win or lose, I just tried (and tried and tried and tried) to hit men on my opponents. Whether be it the strongest Senseis or my fellow students. I don't even remember if I 'won' the points or lost the points... I remembered that it was such a relief practicing that evening. Although, I think I came down with a slight headache the next day.

Sunday's Practice
Panic at the Dojo
When I saw Stephen's body slumped face down on the floor, I immediately rushed to take off his armor so that he would be able to breath easier. Panic immediately sets in on me. The last thing our club need is an incident like this. I called out his name loudly, hoping that he was conscious and that I would hear a response. Luckily he did, I helped him up and moved to the corridor where it was breezy so that he could regain his composure. After I gave him some isotonic drink so that he could hydrate himself, my panic turned into RAGE.
Everyone's no stranger to Sergeant H's training style which is overbearing, though, lengthy and often borderline sadistic. Even I have had my own share of run in with his training method. When I saw him training Stephen earlier that morning, I thought to myself, "wow poor Stephen". I never would have expected Stephen to pass out (or worse) because of this. I was EXTREMELY ANGRY at Sergeant H for what I regard as irresponsible behavior during training. Sure, Kendo training is tough, but his training was excessive and unnecessarily so. My main concern at the time was the safety of our members, who knows what kind of problem the club could face if anything had happened to Stephen or anyone else.
Even though I was planning on passing my complaints through the proper channels... Apparently Mr. SMura could see that something was amiss with me. After all, my face looked like I was about to turn green and grow into 9 foot tall muscular monster. After the practice Mr. SMura called me over, Jive Tongue came along too, perhaps he too sensed that I was ready to turn lycan or something... After some 'aggressive advising' from Mr. SMura, I decided to 'aggressively agree' with him that he will approach Sergeant H about this matter.
After the dust settled, I saw that Stephen was alright... Later on I apologized to Mr. SMura for my outburst. It was hasty of me, but still to this moment, I believe it to be the right thing to do.

The Story so Far (part 2) : Hong Kong Tournament (No Hablo Ingles)

2009-04-13T21:46:00.000-07:00

Even though we were hoping for a bigger turnout, it came down to :
Mr. KKawa
Mr. SMura
Mr. Concord
myself
Solid Snake
who came through for the Hong Kong Kendo Tournament trip this year.
Coming into the whole tournament weekend, I didn't really have an expectation to win it all or anything like that. I wanted to try to do the best Kendo which represents myself. Of course I didn't really expect the size and magnitude of this tournament. There were literally hundreds of people there from various Asian countries mostly, one or two whiteys slipped in there somehow.
As far as my performance goes, I think I rate myself a C+ or a B-... There were a couple of instances there when I thought it was plainly bad calls by the judges. However, there were also a few times when I thought I should have been able to do better. I think give the circumstances, I didn't do too badly. Hoping that next time we would be able to give a better showing from other Indonesian members as well.
So... whenever we are not waiting to fight or testing, in between events, me and Solid Snake usually just cracking up jokes and amused ourselves for a good part of the day. I think that's pretty much business as usual as far as Indonesian Kendo behaviour is concerned. I don't really knows how this mentality came about in the first place, and I think I MIGHT have something to do with this somehow. Compared to other country's Kendoka who mostly seemed reserved and... well... polite and well behaved. Indonesian Kendokas are known for their rowdiness, especially while fighting in a foreign surroundings. While we may rowdy and enjoying ourselves, we USUALLY never forgets our first mission when we travel, which is Kendo. However, SOMETIMES things do get a little out of hand...

The Story so Far (part 1) : Jason Mraz

2009-04-13T20:24:00.000-07:00

So, it's been a while, I know... but I actually have been busy with work etc, that I neglected to update this journal. Work travels mostly... plus trying to keep up with my schedules of work out and Kendo, etc.
So what has happened in the past 2 months or so?
Honestly, I don't think I remember most of it... For some reasons, things were going so fast that I kinda blanked out most of them... I think it's mostly a blur working, working out, Kendo, dating, rinse, wash and do it again type of deal. Nothing too important that really stood out, trust I would've let you all know if there were.
Oooh, there was this thing.
I was able to get my hands on some Jason Mraz concert tickets about a month ago. I realize that Jason Mraz isn't the typical genre of music that I am usually into, however I first got into Jason Mraz when he had this song called "You and I Both". That song was from a while back, for some reasons the lyrics kinda... hit close to home for me. Since then, there were a few songs of his that I kinda dig, but I never payed too close of an attention. When I heard that Jason Mraz was coming to Jakarta for a concert, I wasted no time to pre-order a ticket... mainly, just to be able to listen to him sing "You and I Both" live!!
For the concert itself, I realize that he's famous for a reason. He did a great show!! All the songs, the sounds, they were all great! He even inserted parts of "Wonderwall" by Oasis in between his songs, to get the crowd going. Even though it was merely a little over an hour, I think I got my money's worth. He sang all the songs I wanted, I even got to hear some new songs which I eventually downloaded.
One thing that bothers me throughout the concert though... ALMOST EVERYONE was trying to take a picture from the stands. All the movements and hands and cameras raised in the air were just too much of a distraction and movement. No matter what camera you use, cell phones, digital cameras, penis envy lenses, YOU ARE NEVER GONNA GET A GOOD SHOT!! ALL YOU DO IS JUST BOTHER PEOPLE AROUND YOU!!

Down but not Out...

2009-02-22T23:35:00.000-08:00

I had quite an intense practice on Saturday at one of our alternate location in Jakarta. I was surprised to see that I was the only student there, along with Mr. SMura, Mr. KKawa and Sergeant H.
Despite the uncooperative air conditioning in the room, I had to try my best to keep up with the practice.
I was already feeling kinda tough during the basic practice portion of the training... By the end of it, I knew I would not have any breathing room due to the limited number of participants. First of was Mr. KKawa...
I had a difficult time adjusting at first, I had a few hits in, but most of them were near misses. By the end of our session, I calmed down and remembered all the techniques I've discussed with Dark Knight as well concentrated harder... I was able to get a couple of good hits in at the end... I think that surprised him a bit. I was actually surprised as well...
Next stop, Sergeant H. I haven't practiced with Sergeant H for over 2 months, since right before the tournament. The reason? Well honestly I was worried about getting hurt. Since my back hasn't been in the best of conditions for the past few months, I have been kinda wary about it and of course practicing with Sergeant H isn't on the top of my to do list. Last Saturday, I decided to just suck it up and go... It went alright surprisingly. I barely had the energy to complete the whole set, but I did anyways... with no signs of pain whatsoever.
I tried to take a few minutes breather before I went and face Mr. SMura... I tried to stand up after I put on my men... Then the room started to spin... and I had to sit back down. Mr. SMura just laughed and said that I will have to double practice with him next time.
I felt tired but alright after the practice... The next morning though, I felt my whole back tighten up... in fact it's still sore and tight until today. I decided to take the next few days off to rest my back.

Vagabond

2009-02-17T01:03:00.001-08:00

It's always an interesting feeling when you seem to recognize your own life story and experiences while reading someone else work... I had few similar experiences recently while reading one particular title... even though it's a comic book and all, I thought it was produced with amazing art and in depth story and characterization.
Vagabond was published at one point in Indonesia for a few chapters, however bad translation seems to just ruin a completely well written story. After a few issues, the company stopped publishing the title all together.
I started to slowly collect whatever English version of Vagabond I could find whenever I go abroad, Singapore for instance... Since I can't read Japanese and the English translation seems to be good enough, I have been enjoying the issues I have so far...
Perhaps it is easier for me to understand some of the thoughts and philosophy, since I am dabbling on a similar path... However there were also some other non sword related issues that I found familiar... I guess, life for everyone is rather similar after all... All the pains, all the joys that you felt at one point is nothing new, chances are someone somewhere at some point have felt them too...

Valentine Day Massacre

2009-02-17T00:35:00.000-08:00

I had the pleasure of taking a couple of our members down to Bandung for some tournament experience this past Saturday. Since I was going down there to attend some family event anyways, I figure why not... even though this particular tournament wasn't on my schedule this year. It'll be great to see some old friends as well as some friendly matches in between.
As far as the team tournament goes... I have to say that some of the members REALLY need tournament experience. They do alright during the basic practices... However as soon as the judges started the match, their skills reverted back to beginner level. I don't know if this is due to stage fright, lack of experience or just fundamental mental issues... I think this is one issue in JKA that we need to address, the vast skill gap between seniors and juniors.
In the end, I was exhausted from the whole day of kendo, the lack of sleep also seems to have did me in for the next few days as well.
I left Bandung without some parting war cries... I shall bring the might of the entire Sparta next time.... Haa Wooh!!

In the Name of Progress

2009-01-20T05:16:00.000-08:00

I was driving through my usual work route this morning... When I drove pass a familiar rice stall, I was surprised to see that the building was torn down and of course any food stalls nearby would be kicked out as well...
This is the second time my favorite food place in Jakarta got ousted by some building development project. OK the first one was a nice and cheap Indonesian food canteen which I frequented for lunch at the time. I could eat very well and healthy for about one dollar, that place was torn down because the city government was building a park on that exact location. Since it is a public park, which have been built nicely by now, I can understand... City like Jakarta needs some greenery and public park.
This one however... I don't think it's gonna be a public park, perhaps it'll be an apartment tower or shopping complex again. Damnit...
Don't get me wrong, I am mostly pro development, mostly... However, perhaps being a small town boy, there's just a part of me that misses an open market, wet market, food stalls, etc... There's just that feeling that's irreplaceable.

Doctor Melvi

2009-01-12T23:46:00.000-08:00

So, a little over a month ago, I think...
I decided to see a psychiatrist to help me with my ups and downs and refocus my direction... Even though I am mostly OK, I mean... I am not breaking down or anything (most of the time, at least)... I feel that perhaps I do need some outside professional help for my problem(s) in the long run.
This isn't the first time I seek therapy sessions. In the past I have had some help to deal with more drastic situations in my life before. However, Dr. Melvi is perhaps the first truly real psychologist that I had.

(due to Doctor and Patient confidentiality agreement, I am unwilling to divulge any details about the therapy session... however...)

It seems that a lot of the turmoil I have been experiencing is rooted on one thing...
It's been my problem for a long time, I thought I have gotten better at it, feeling better about it, etc... However, it's amazing how my demon can rear it's ugly head once more.
I was amazed how Dr. Melvi jumped at that conclusion halfway in our session. I hope to put this demon to rest... Hopefully, for good...

First Day of Practice...

2009-01-11T07:26:00.001-08:00

Today was the first day of Kendo practice in 2009...
Since we have lost our Wednesday Night Fight Club space, our Sunday school dojo is currently the only place which we can have our practice.
Today, Mr. SMura was leading practice for a change, and he had something special for us in mind. Breaking our Kendo vacation, his basics practice program was perhaps 3 times the amount that we usually do. Needless to say many of our members were overwhelmed, thankfully the weather was unusually cool. After the practice was done only a few of us remain standing... Thankfully the gym routine helped to last through the whole session, even though I'd be lying if I say it didn't tire me out... It was tiring!!

And Off We Go...

2009-01-09T23:27:00.000-08:00

The year started with a lot of work...
Finishing up a lot of overdue reports needed for my work, I spent a good part of my week in meetings and cramming at the office...
So much that I think I neglected to carry out a lot of my routines and social life.
Kendo starts tomorrow, I am kinda looking forward to that.
Other than that, the search for a new practice location continues. Surprisingly, some of the Japanese and Indonesian members started to chip in looking for a possible location as well... With the Hong Kong Tournament looming, hopefully we will be able to find a new location soon.
Honestly, I am a bit relieved that some of the people started to chip in with the search... it kinda takes some pressure off my back a bit...

Should Old Acquintance be Forgot...

2009-01-06T06:14:00.000-08:00

So 2008 is FINALLY over, and to tell you the truth I'm kinda glad that it did...
Of course I realize that January 1st 2009 will be the same as any other day on the calendar, nothing changed and everything else continues, but 2008, it feels like a thorn by my side...
As some of you may have already read, I experienced a lot of ups and downs in 2008, I lost everything I treasured and basically had to fight inch by inch to keep what I have or to regain some that I have lost. The truth is what I still missing is my focus, my direction and some of my determination...
2008 was a very confusing year for me, I had to deal with a lot of 'distractions' along the way. Trying to run away from what I left behind, or rather, from what left me behind! Some things I dreamed through out the year turned to be, well... a dream... I think I also neglected and missed out a lot of the reality had to offer me in 2008.
In general, I never regretted anything in this life, the good was nice when it lasted, the bad... well, it had to happen for a reason, right? However, despite hitting nearly all my resolution for 2008, I am disappointed at how I went through some things. Over thinking some things, while inconsiderate in others...
Now, for 2009, what should be my resolution I wonder?

Happy New Year to You Too...

2009-01-06T05:25:00.000-08:00

It was New Year's Eve, Dec 31st 2008...
We have been sitting at the club since 9:30 PM, hoping to avoid the crowd and nestled comfortably within our little corner. After a few drinks, people started pouring in. Our table got crowded as well, as usual it's one of those friend's friend's friend's joining the party crowd. Suddenly the scene became eerily familiar to me, as if I have been there before... In a way, I have been there, many many times in the past... I could even spot the same type of people hanging around our table with the ones I've met during my partying days ( oh so long ago )...
I left my cushy couch for a while to take a walk, out of boredom and frustration, I walked outside to the parking lot. As soon as I saw that the traffic weren't as bad I as thought it would on New Year's Eve, I immediately hopped on the first cab I found and went home... 11 PM it was, and I just couldn't wait for this year to END, no fanfare, no celebration, I just wanted to get out of that club and out of 2008... I apologized to God of Thunder for bailing on him after he tried so hard to persuade me to go to this party, but perhaps it was best for me to go home alone that night... Somehow I felt less lonely at home, compared to at the club...
Happy New Year Everyone...

P U S H (part 3)

2008-12-18T19:10:00.000-08:00

Things started to become confusing for me in the past couple of weeks now. For a while EvenStar and I had this once a week thing, until things came to a halt... and got confusing. I am still not getting a definite signal out of her so far... I think The Gambler said it best, I gotta know how to pick up the signs and move on...
I think I am giving myself till the end of the year here and preparing myself to bet it all in on one hand.
If I win, so be it... If not, so be it...

P U S H (part 2)

2008-12-18T06:26:00.000-08:00

Saturday, Dec 13th 2008...
I was really unhappy with the way Sergeant H was conducting practice with me that day. Not only he had injured me with his supposedly favourit strike, but he also kept me going and didn't stop until I had indication of a leg cramp, even though he knew I was injured. My right fore arm was swollen from him hitting me three times on the same unprotected area of my arm. I would have been fine about it on a regular day, but it was tournament day on Sunday!! I wasn't even planning to go practice that day. I went because God of Thunder persuaded me to come for a lite training before the tournament. Instead, Sergeant H decided to show up late... well you all know the rest. It's safe to say that I will perhaps avoid practicing with Sergeant H in the near future.
I had hoped that the Chinese ointment I had at home would suffice to cure my swollen fore arm, at least enough for me to fight on the next day.

On Tournament Day,
I noticed that only Speed Demon was in the opposite site of my bracket. Meaning I would have to only fight him if we were to reach the semi finals. Both God of Thunder and White Squire were on the other bracket. Not having to fight my strongest rivals until the semi finals, I was a bit relaxed. All I had to do was focus on one match at the time and not slip up... Little did I know...
The competition level was especially high that day. Both Speed Demon and God of Thunder were victims of unprecedented upsets. While I didn't get knocked out, everyone seems to be fighting especially hard and gunning for us that day. I got scored on in 3 out of my 4 matches. Meaning I had to come from 1 point behind to eventually win the match 2-1, two of which had to go to over time. From what I recall I fell down on the floor twice at least, but I didn't let up, I kept pushing and weathering the blows to stand up and fight again. In the semis, again I had was down one point and had to go trough over time. The guy was on fire and just wouldn't quit no matter what I threw at him. I had to resort to my size as a last resort and push the him to create an opening and scored. Afterwards, as a joke I called this move my Force Push... That was my toughest match of the day before finally, I had to face White Squire in the finals...
White Squire is a 25 year old guy, no job, dropped out of school... Basically he decided he would just totally dedicate his time and effort to do only Kendo. He trains 7 days a week in Bandung and has always been strong and fast. He's only lacking... is tactics and wits... Luckily for me, I knew this all along.
Even though I was fighting it safe and keeping my distance. I had to gamble to score a point, instead I was scored on first. Even though I slipped and fell down and had to go through over time, I kept my cool and my tactics from the start. I wasn't sure what happened on the last point, all I remembered was I think I scored first and the judged raised my flags.
Looking back, I wasn't really fighting my best fights... in fact I was probably quite careless a few times, since I got scored on first a lot. Perhaps being scored on served as my wake up call to not let up and keep up the intensity. There were a few times when I thought I had lost the match, but I persevered... maybe it was just my day.
To this day, I am the only person in Indonesia who have won the national tournament twice. I won it in Dec 2006, lost in the semis in Dec 2007 due to my back injury...

P U S H (part 1)

2008-12-18T06:13:00.000-08:00

First of all, I would like to apologize to all my friends for being late again. It's the end of the year, work is especially busy with all the budget meetings, balance sheet adjustment and tax calculating. I was also having a bit of a writer's block for a while there, it basically still there, I just thought of a cool title to start with for one.
As far as I recall, in the recent years at least, I have always had to 'fight' for the things that I want, and I stress, " for the things that I want ". Sure, you come across some things that are sort of there just because or given to you by someone, but for some reasons, more often than not those were not the things I was looking for either.
Confused yet? It's not that deep, really... Basically, I only want things that I truly desire... Other things, I don't really care for. However, it seems that I had to fight quite harder to get the things that I really want, and the result don't always go my way.
Noodle King once told me that he thinks I am one of those people that desires things I can't get. I gave a lot of thought to that statement and I found that it is only partially true. The truth is I do only want a few things in life, things that I really do care for... I don't want things that are there just because they are available. Once I got the things I fought for, I will care for them and cherish them. At least those are the tendencies I found thus far.
In fact, the topics this week has something to do with my push mentality...

Eye of the Tiger

2008-12-04T07:34:00.000-08:00

With the upcoming December Indonesian tournament in the horizon, I couldn't be less excited about it.
Mr. SMura on the other hand, seems to be inexplicably overtly excited about it. He even handed me the 'responsibility' to make sure each team members attend practice to train for the upcoming tournament.
I feel that all his 'excitement' is rather unwarranted for. First of all, this is merely one of the many tournaments we have, we've done it many times in the past and the participants are mostly the same. He even told me that I should give myself the target of being the champion this year, which I've already done in Dec 2006 and I have always been a contender and a regular face in the semi-finals round. Even when I was injured last year!!
First of all, most of the Jakarta members are pretty much up there in the age department. Most of the main team members are married, have steady jobs and pretty much busy. Due to the unstable economic situation here in Indonesia, many of us, including myself, have to travel outside of Jakarta on a regular basis for work. Kendo is becoming more and more of an after thought. While it's still not "something we used to do", it's steadily becoming "something we do occassionally".
I do miss my old team mates, instead I've been trying to help with the trainings of the new padawans, but still the feeling ain't the same.
While my own training it's taking a comfortable course right now, I don't feel the 'hunger' I felt before... even last year.
I had a session with Mr. KKawa last sunday, even though I was able to score a few times on him. He told me that my timing is just 'slightly' off and I need more work. I actually whole heartedly agree with him. I've been performing just OK these days, I can score my own share of openings, however I am not experiencing any major breakthrough as well.
Perhaps it's the taxing years that started to takes it's tolls on me, perhaps the lack of support and competition from my team mates. On the rare occasion when people such as Speed Demon, Jive Tongue, Dark Knight or even Master Djedi show up, they don't even look like their old selves no more. If I think my Kendo has degraded, I should feel better about myself looking at them... These days, it's basically only me and God of Thunder who shows up regularly. Although, I am kinda excited to fight God of Thunder with his new left handed hammer jodan...
Mr. SMura stressed the fact that I should be ready to face other competitors from Bandung, etc... At this point, I've done anything I can... I've wrote emails, etc but minimal result. If Mr. SMura isn't happy about this, he can just go and S*CK IT!

You Know You're a...

2008-12-04T07:21:00.000-08:00

You know you're a geek when :

You know all along that Kiera Knightley was in Star Wars Episode 1 : Phantom Menace as one of Queen Amidala's handmaiden / body double

OR

You're excited to learn that Kiera Knightley was INDEED in Star Wars Episode 1 : Phantom Menace as one of Queen Amidala's handmaiden / body double

OR

You even know who Queen Amidala is, why she needs handmaiden / body double...

Sadly, I am guilty of more than one of the above charges...

These are one of things I come up with when working in Sumatra.

Kendo Bonanza

2008-11-27T19:55:00.000-08:00

Oh, my sister just had a baby girl yesterday...
Anyways, it seems like I have beginning to get into the 'zone' in the workout and Kendo department. I have been feeling healthy and have the time to train and work out semi regularly now. Mr. SMura though have been putting on the pressure for us to train as hard and often as possible, with an Indo tournament coming mid Dec and a big HK tournament next March.
My dieting and working seem to have bore some results as well, I am getting stronger and fit again. The downside to it is of course, this working out is EXHAUSTING!!

Surviving the Sergeant

2008-11-25T05:32:00.000-08:00

Sergeant H has been with us for the past 2 years now... It's kinda hard to believe how fast time flies. Practicing with Sergeant H is something I dread, in fact I think it's something that most of the members at the dojo dreads as well. He likes to 'torture' the students with long practices with basics and hitting drills! As far as keiko with him, he's different... Even though he is a high ranking sensei, his style of Kendo is different. He seems to stick with the basic style of Kendo, and even though he is in great shape for a 55 year old man, he doesn't seem to be very fast... Although he hits really hard for sure, so hard that I can hear bells ringing everytime he hits me in the head.
Anyways, because of his lack of offense, I found it very difficult to get a good rythm when I am fighting him. Most of the time, the session turns out to be a long stale mate, with either contestant unable to get a steady rythm going. I think because my counter style thrive on the opponents (reckless) offense, it frustrates me when the opponent isn't creating the offense that I want. Does that even make any sense?
Anyways, I personally don't find my sessions with him particularly beneficial, other than increasing my stamina that is. However, I kinda view is my personal challenge to accomplish, a mountain to climb, sorta... I know it's going to be tiring as hell and perhaps a bit repetitive, but I gotta try anyways. It's part of Kendo after all...

Protein Junkie

2008-11-25T04:50:00.001-08:00

As I was staring down on my half eaten tofu egg white omelet, I decided I've had enough and couldn't finish my plate. For you folks, tofu egg white omelet tastes exactly how it sounds. If you can imagine how a mass of tasteless white lumps taste like, 10 egg whites, with tofu thrown in the mix. Healthy, sure... the best tasting choice for dinner, it for sure ain't. However, I needed to food intake since I was feeling a bit disoriented after my work out...
I have been grinding away on my work out for a while now. After my chicken pox, I seem to have struggled with my conditioning and weight. I think I am starting to make some progress this week. I have been feeling better during Kendo and feeling quite strong at the gym. In fact, I realize that I am above average strength wise, compared to a lot of the guys who work out at my gym. I can lift around 200 lbs on my big muscle groups now.
I was feeling rather good today when I drove to the gym. After I was done with my session, legs training plus some light upper body, I started to feel woozy. I decided to hit the showers and grab some dinner.
My 5 minute drive home proved to be a challenge as well... I think the sugar level in my blood was a bit uneven after the super-sets circuit training. Perhaps going to the book store isn't such a good idea tonight. I guess tonight would be a good night for me to grab an early looong sleep.

Bring on the Thunder!!

2008-11-24T05:27:00.000-08:00

Coming back from my work trip in Sumatera last weekend, I made time for myself to attend Kendo practices during the weekend. Well, because there WAS a plan for the practice on Saturday to be covered by yet another TV station. However, it didn't work out in the end because the building management didn't give us shooting permission. Anyways, I think I already have 2 magazine interviews and 2 TV appearances this month for Kendo.. I think that's enough media coverage for now... I don't even care if I have used up my 15 minutes already.
There are a couple of things that stood up within my weekend Kendo practices. First was God of Thunder's decision to try the jodan kamae. Because of a recent minor left leg injury, God of Thunder decided to switch his stance so that he could continue practicing through this injury. Although, perhaps the fact that he's been watching some All Japan Kendo Championship videos might have something to do with it. The result, was surprising to say the least. He had tried it a while ago and found it to be difficult and not very effective thus decided to let it go. However, this time around, the result was rather different. His basic skills has improved and he has been getting stronger as well, even I was having some problems dealing with his first time jodan effort. God of Thunder is naturally strong, having played ice hockey a lot while he was growing up, gave him great leg and arm strength. He is also pretty tall for an Asian, but his secret weapon might be that he is actually left handed. I was actually surprised that he was already able to attempt kote-men, a 2-hit attack from jodan.
I am actually quite excited with the prospect of God of Thunder practicing jodan. Not only it gives more depth and variation to our team, but also it is good for us to practice against a jodan user from time to time. It is quite confusing and different. In fact, I am still trying to figure out how to counter his attacks. Since jodan is a one handed left hand attack, therefore all of his attacks will come from my right side. However since I am shifting my kamae to the right to protect my kote, it means my attack will sort of come from the right as well. Since jodan holds their shinai high, I am at a disadvantage, especially against a taller person, like God of Thunder. I was discussing with Dark Knight on the possibilities to counter this situation. His advice was being mobile, so that the jodan will not be able to focus on the target and have enough time to prepare. Well, perhaps I will try that...
This whole God of Thunder jodan though, it is not me being hit that worries me the most. God of Thunder, as strong and gifted as he is, isn't exactly the most committed person I know. I fear that when he hits a bump, he will start displaying his old traits again.

Battle Weary Comrades

2008-11-20T03:21:00.000-08:00

On a rare occasion last Sunday, a few of our senior Indonesian members showed up for our Sunday morning practice. For the longest time I could remember, it was pretty much myself and God of Thunder who showed up with any regularity. As much as I value my lesson with our senseis, I do miss the camaraderie we had. Sure, there are other students, but they are usually my junior by far, thus it's quite difficult to build the training relationship that I had with my peers. Dark Knight, Master Djedi and Speed Demon showed up along with myself and God of Thunder, it was a rare occasion. Even though we didn't have the energy (mostly) and time to practice amongst ourselves, I felt a different atmosphere and energy when everyone's around.
The only people missing were Jive Tongue and (pedophile) Limping Tiger. I hope we can get them back, in due time...

Media Coverage

2008-11-19T06:35:00.000-08:00

Following my few weeks worth of break from Kendo, I am trying to settle back in with a good rythm. Perhaps fitting in one or two practices a week, to prepare myself for the Hong Kong tournament in March and our national tournament in December.
I have made some progress in getting back into shape and preparation training for the Hong Kong tournament.
Our October tournament made some splash in the media, we were covered in some TV stations and made it into an article in a national news magazine. I was interviewed a few times, but I only read the magazine article... I don't feel the need to see my own self on TV. However, it seems the media frenzy isn't over just yet.
Another TV station wants to cover our practice this coming saturday and make a program out of it.
We'll see how that goes...

"... but I really hope we can still be friend..."

2008-11-18T17:29:00.000-08:00

I think the full sentence goes somewhere along the lines of, "I'm sorry I can't be with you, but I really hope we can remain friends"
I have been on the receiving end of that line for a few times during my lifetime and let me tell you, if it's meant to be some sort of a consolation line, it doesn't work at all. I have always thought that line to be a selfish and mean statement from someone that feels you aren't good enough to be their significant other, yet they want you to be your friend.
Little did I know that I almost said that line myself, or at least thought about it.
After a couple of months of confusion and hesitation, I decided to take a step back and trying to look at things in from a different perspective.
You know I have never been a person who decides on anything because it's possible or easier for me, instead I always go after the things I wanted, regardless of the success probability.
This being said, now what actually happened was...

About a month ago, I called BellyDancer on the phone, because it had been about a week or so since we taked, at the time...
I found her in the midst of her crying... about what, I don't know... but I am guessing perhaps I had something to do with it.
I tried my best to console her and dancing around the issue at the same time, plus she didn't want me asking about it at all... I feel bad that for the fact that I may have seriously hurt someone's feelings, a position that I never wanted to be in. Yet I found inadvertantly doing it...
I wanted to say something along the lines of "we can be friends" However I realize how stupid and selfish that be and stopped short of it.
BellyDancer was hurt, perhaps due to my (in)action, she has every right to hate me if she wants to. I understand and I will take the responsibility...

Kendo Intermezzo

2008-11-15T00:01:00.000-08:00

Well, the most recent exciting Kendo news is that Kenji Shodai won All Japan Kendo Championship. He's probably the most unorthodox and exciting top player in Japan today. I didn't expect him to have won so soon, but anyways...
I have started to get back into Kendo practice after the tournament last month. I didn't realize that I must have missed around 2-3 weeks of practice. Coupled with my own weight gain, etc... I was running short of breath during our basic practice session.
I have since went back into working out, dieting and Kendo... but still, I found myself short of breath during Keiko. Perhaps because of the cold I have yet able to shake off... I am already cutting down smoking, etc for good measure.

You Gotta Know When to...

2008-11-14T03:39:00.000-08:00

So, the last time you all heard from me was...
Well I was confused! All this BellyDancer, EvenStar, and at one point, even Freaky K jumped into the mix! This may be a blessing to a lot of men I know out there, but believe me, I am taking no pleasure out of this.
I decided perhaps I needed to take a step back to look at things from a different angle, not adding unnecessary pressure, etc... After all, if I can't get them... oh well, what can I do, right?
So, focusing on other things in my life for a while... At one point, I found that EvenStar is the one that I liked after all... However, many uncertainties and external factor have confused me.
Sure, she's not the surest bet out of the bunch, but it's the one that I want... and I got to try!
Just when I thought I learned the Gambler's lessons... I found myself going on my gut feeling.

You gotta know when to hold 'em
Know when to fold 'em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

You never count your money
While you sittin' at the table
There be time enough for countin'
When the dealin's done

Long Time Away...

2008-11-14T03:29:00.000-08:00

I know, I know...
I have to apologize for being away for far too long. In fact, my October posting isn't something to brag about either. It's just that, a lot of nothing happened in my life that kinda made me lazy to post... Plus, my laptop had some problems that it needed to be re-installed... I think that will happen sometimes next week.
In the meantime, I will try to update of what has happened in the past month or so, piece by piece... Not so chronological, perhaps whatever comes to my mind.

The Plan was... (part 2)

2008-10-16T01:57:00.001-07:00

EvenStar left Indonesia last January, with the possibility that she may return after she finished her courses and got a job in Jakarta. At the time, I thought to myself,”…whoa… probably one year, that’s a long time… I don’t know how I was gonna cope with that.” However, I also knew that I had to open myself to the possibility of her return.
I didn’t want her to return to find me a beaten down loser, I also didn’t want to be empty handed in case she didn’t return at all. So I did what I had to do… I went out, I kept myself in physical and mental shape… Well, I guess y’all should know the rest of the story, it’s well documented after all.
Without expecting it, I grew close with BellyDancer, especially during the time I was out sick with chicken pox. Too close for comfort, closer that I ever intended her to be, in fact. After all, it started out with my curiosity…
Well, time went by and came October and came EvenStar to Jakarta. I have met her and spent time with her this past week. I haven’t been able spend some time alone with her, but spoke with her a few times. She stated while she has found a job here in Jakarta, and will stay for at least one year, there’s no way that she’ll be here in the long run. I can understand that, growing up in Canada, it’ll be difficult for anyone to move to another country, let alone Indonesia… Hell, even I am still having a difficult time sometimes. All these developments kinda put everything I had in mind to a hold at least for now. I know it seems a bit manipulative of me, but I don’t want to face another romantic break down and I know I haven’t done anyone any wrong. I was very careful at that, at the very least… What’s next? Well, let me put it this way, you’ll know as soon as I know… How’s that?

The Plan was... (part 1)

2008-10-16T01:51:00.000-07:00

Since the first time Mr. SMura mentioned that we’re hosting a tournament in October, in the back of my mind I was already plotting the course of action as far as my own fitness training and Kendo to get myself ready for this event.
I think I started hitting the gym hard right after I came back from my back injury. Sure there were some ups and downs along the way, but for the most part I think I had a good run there.
I made some real progress in terms of my diet, lost a bit of weight in the process. My weight training helped to gain some much needed strength and stamina even when I wasn’t feeling so well.
As for Kendo, I didn’t think I had a very good year training wise… in fact I don’t think I had a very good year at all. However, I went and grind through everything I was faced with. Even though it wasn’t very satisfactory, but I think I still came up at least even.
Unexpectedly, I was hit with chicken pox sometimes last month. My Kendo, work out and diet automatically came to a halt at that moment.
It took me about a month to get back into training. By that time, I found that I have gained weight and was out of shape, with practically no time left for me to get back into rhythm. My Kendo strangely enough wasn’t so much affected, sure I was in decline compared to earlier this year or late last year, but it was still on an acceptable level. However, I felt I am way below par coming into this tournament, with my training and preparations gone to waste.
Came tournament time, the result was rather surprising, in regards to my personal performance at least. I deliberately did not place myself on the strongest team, in the hopes that the strongest Indonesian team will be able to advance far into the tournament. My gamble paid off, Indonesian Team A was able to get the silver medal, losing marginally to a Japanese Team from Hokkaido. While my team, Indonesian Team B, lost to Indonesian Team A in the quarter-finals.
I was also quite satisfied with my own performance. I fought four times that day. I won twice, lost once and draw once. I was especially happy that I was able to draw with a young advanced sensei from Japan, from what I heard, he was also quite surprised with the fight that I put up. I was also quite happy that I was able to beat a sensei from Hongkong 2-0.
All in all, it was a pretty satisfactory tournament, not to mention exhausting.

Pick Ourselves Back Up!!

2008-09-28T22:12:00.000-07:00

I have started Kendo again, sorta... To avoid infections, etc, I still haven't put on my men during practice. Thus, so far I have only been able to practice kata, basics and limited wazas. I think my form is still OK, although I think there's still a lot of things I need to work on, including my footwork, kamae, etc.
I noticed that I am still leaning back in my chudan position and I think my footwork is a bit sloppy.
The next practice is scheduled to be this coming Friday, and perhaps it'll be the last intense sessions before our tournament next week.
In the meantime, I went to the gym again today after my almost passing out fiasco last Thursday. I noticed that even though I didn't pass out, I have lost a lot of strength and endurance. My trainer commented that perhaps I haven't fully recovered from my sickness yet, thus my physical decline.
Taking the opportunity of this weeklong holiday, I will be trying to work out to get back into shape, rest... and do Kendo at the end of the week.
Plus, I think I have a couple of reports due next week for work as well.

Not There Yet...

2008-09-25T06:06:00.000-07:00

So, right after I got off the plane from Sumatra, I immediately went off to the gym to start doing work out again. It has been 3 weeks since I've done any kind of work out at all.
I thought to start my first week back with light work outs, just to get myself going again. However, it looks like my body had other plans...
While I was doing OK with light weights and high reps work out, after about 30-45 minutes... I started to feel nauseous and light headed. I couldn't stand and wanted to throw up. So I sat down and ask for the trainers' help... They brought me some warm sweet tea to wake me up a bit. After I was able to stand up, I hit the showers and called it a day. The trainers thought that perhaps due to my illness and lack of full recovery, my blood sugar level was a wreck when I tried to work out. They told me to eat a full meal tonight and take a rest...
I did just that and I felt better already...
Am I going to work tomorrow? Hmm... let's see... HELL YEAH!!

London Dreams

2008-09-24T21:07:00.001-07:00

I don’t remember how I have known Freaky K. We were introduced by a mutual friend a long while ago when I was still in Bandung. At the time she was a med student, gee… to think it about, it must have been perhaps around five years ago. It’s scary how time flies…

Well, we don’t really stay in contact for the last few years now, especially after my move to Jakarta (again) and my job in Sumatra. From what I gathered, she has graduated her General Practice program and was deciding whether she was going to continue her studies or whatever else she was thinking of doing. She dreamed of going to London for no reason and due to her circumstances at the time, was wandering aimlessly in life.

Imagine my surprise a couple of weeks ago when I heard that she has moved to Jakarta and gotten a job at a Japanese clinic as an in house physician.

While she still retains her feisty demeanor, I for one think that this move shows a step in the right direction for her. She decided to get a job instead of staying unemployed in Bandung, and starting to plan for her future. At this point, she’s still getting used to the idea of living by herself in Jakarta and working her way through traffic and other aspects of Jakarta lifestyle.

In this case, I am proud of Freaky K’s decision to risk it all for something positive in her life. I for one believe due to the economic slump in Bandung, it has become sort of a ‘dead’ town… Everyone is affected and has become embittered and negative in their outlook in life. This is part of the reason why I avoid going to Bandung or interacting with too many people from my own hometown. I feel that I need to keep positive within my own journey and endeavors, even if it means temporarily distancing myself from people I knew.

As for Freaky K’s London dreams… She thinks it will have to wait for a while. London is always going to be there… unless the events depicted in the 28 Weeks Later movie truly do happen…

Fighting the Flab

2008-09-23T06:55:00.000-07:00

So, today marks the third week that I haven't done any real work since I got the chicken pox. I have started work again this week and have been going out of the house since last weekend. Mostly due to the boredom, but there's also so much work to be done anticipating the upcoming holiday season in Indonesia.
I have however, refrained myself from working out. Mainly due to my health status, the fact that my body is still not 100% recovering from the disease. Also, even though it is getting better by the day, I do look like I just got the chicken pox. Not wanting to spread the disease and having people commenting, I tend to avoid places where I may be recognized.
I know for a fact that I haven't gained on my waist line, but I have lost a lot of muscle... With a major Kendo tournament coming in the second week of October, I think will/want to start training right after I go back to Jakarta this Thursday.
I will start of with some light-medium cardio and light basic lifting, then it's Kendo on the weekend. Depends on the my facial scar situation, if I feel it has healed enough, I will put on my men. Otherwise, I will not and practice basics and kata instead.

Patience, Grasshopper...

2008-09-22T00:30:00.000-07:00

So now I am back in Jakarta, starting to resume my daily routines again...
Whatever 'feelings' I had during my sickness exile in Bandung kinda subsides by itself.
I was chatting with my friend Zen the other day, he mostly agrees with my decisions so far, however he also advised me to be patient and not to rush anything, especially when it comes to relationship.
I spent some time with BellyDancer over the weekend, dinner and stuff... let's just say that I have kinda cooled down a little, and from what I saw, so did she. Perhaps it's stress from work, or in my case stress from not working, but things kinda died down a little bit, at least at my end.
I am not sure why, I think Zen is right that I should rush things... perhaps, I got caught up at my activities also that I have since I came back to Jakarta.
In any case, that's all I have for now...

Walking Pleague

2008-09-21T01:09:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been out and about for a couple of days... Not too extensively, but just enough to cure my boredom at the mall, groceries, buying DVDs, etc.
Although, I still advise my friends who has never gotten chicken pox or who has children at home to stay the hell away from me, because I may pass the virus to them or their family members.
Anyways, due to the preparation for the Indonesian holiday season, I will have to take care of some work administration stuff at the home office in Jakarta, as well as overseeing the preparation for the holiday at the plantation site in Sumatra this coming week.
I guess my break time is over, I am wondering if I should start doing some workout again tomorrow though... I am feeling a bit flabby after 2 weeks of lying down and eating.

Unexpected

2008-09-18T07:57:00.001-07:00

Well, amidst all these things going on around me... While I am still grounded here at home, something unexpected did came about.
BellyDancer and I grew close... I know that we don't see each other, because she's working in Jakarta and I am grounded here in Bandung, but she and I grew close... Closer than what I expected. I don't know what's happening, it's not that I did anything any differently... but something did happen.
I knew that EvenStar has been a dream for a while now, but I began to wonder if it's merely an escape from the bleak prospect that is my life. In fact, I began to wonder if the signs I read were true or not... She's coming back next month, with no guarantee if she's staying or not. Even if she's staying, I don't know if she feels the same... In fact, I don't even know what I feel anymore!

What I definitely don't want is to pass up something that's right in front of me, while I'm out there chasing for 'nothing'... You know?

Well, in any case... nothing is definite at this point. In fact, the way I feel now, even if BellyDancer turns out to be a 'hoax', I ain't gonna beat myself down over that either.

Round Two

2008-09-18T07:57:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time coming for a while now...
Queen of Diamonds tried to contact me a few times for like the past month or something, for seemingly no reason. So, before I got sick, to return the favor (she sent me some cakes) I took her out to lunch. After the usual pleasantries, I got down to business and asked her what is it that she wanted from me. She said something like she wants to be friends and hang out, etc... I politely declined, I told her the reason being for my own protection. I also did told her that I wish her the best and that she will find her way in her life.
The truth is, if she was sincere, honest and perhaps apologized, I probably would have considered the chance of getting back together with her. However, seeing her at her current state, I have a feeling that if we get back together, it'd probably end up the same again.

Well, related to that, I got a surprising news yesterday. She seem to have broken up with her current/last boyfriend... Well, I wouldn't say it's totally a surprise, but I was feeling a bit well... strange...
For a while, I thought the reason that I couldn't get back together with her was because if this dude. Then again, I realize that it's not him, it never was... Whatever it is, maybe she and I really wasn't meant to be or she just didn't want a committed relationship (with me). After that I came to the realization that this isn't my problem, it's not my break up!! I sent her a message of my concerns and that's that...

I don't see this as a competition, on who's 'winning' or who has the upper hand... If this was a competition, then I already lost.
I lost my girlfriend last year.

Heeeere's Johnny!!!

2008-09-12T23:45:00.000-07:00

Let me tell ya...
This boredom thing is setting in real fast and REAL now. I haven't had fever or headache for a few days now. Thanks to the doctor and my family, who's been takin' care of me. However, doing nothing at home takes its toll on me. However, I still look like ground zero and I heard I am especially contagious in this next few weeks as well.
I am missing my cousin's wedding this weekend, and I don't think I should meet my pregnant sister for the next few months or something.
Anyways, perhaps this virus has been inside of me all these time just waiting to come out. That's why I've been feeling weak and weird for the the past few months now with no apparent reason sometimes. I guess I am glad that it came out when it did. Now, it's just healing time... waiting for my face to go back to normal.
Seriously now, I think I may go ape shit in a couple of days if it goes on like this Right now, I am starting to understand how Jack Nicholson feels in the Shining!! Having nothing to do at home seriously sucks. I think I am ready to start doing some work at home next week... Maybe that'll help a little.

Wake Me Up When September Ends

2008-09-11T03:53:00.000-07:00

Well for a few days there I thought I was going to die, seriously... Feverish, headaches, sore throats and my scalp stings like crazy...
I went to another doctor for a second opinion, a specialist this time, he concurred that I indeed got chicken pox, but he pointed out the fact that the medication the first doctor gave me just wasn't enough. You see, to get chicken pox as an adult is indeed terrible... a lot worse than if you get it when you were a kid.
So, now my fever is over, I hope... but I still look like a mutant from George Romero's script... It looks like I will be sidelined here in Bandung for like 3 weeks or something. Damn man... So many things to do as well, my work, my Kendo, work out... maybe it's a good time for me to do some thinking...
I wish I could just sleep it off.

Breakout

2008-09-06T19:09:00.000-07:00

I would never have seen it coming...
Yes, I was feeling exhausted over the past week, but I thought it was due to my work schedule, etc. I came back home to Bandung on Friday to visit my father who is feeling under the weather, from stress mostly... As I arrived in Bandung, I started to feel discomfort myself. I got pains all over my body and I was feverish too... Lo and behold, I was diagnosed with chicken pox.
I never had it when I was younger, even when all the other kids at school had them, I somehow never caught chicken pox. It's just rather unexpected for me to have them right now. I hate being sick and feeling helpless like this... Now I will have to rest at home for a while or something...
DAMN...

Fool's Gold

2008-09-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

I went to a wedding in Bandung this past weekend. It was a distant friend of mine, his name is Ben. After practically years of no news what so ever, suddenly there's this wedding.
Ben's family is a gold trader in the West Java area, so they are probably quite loaded since they are pretty well known in their hometown. He is however, not the fastest cat around... he is quite stiff and acts like a simpleton.
Thus to our surprise, suddenly he's getting married... To the information I gathered at the wedding, the girl (dunno her name) is only 24, while Ben is 34. They were introduced by their respective family 3 months ago and decided to get married...

As funny as this love story is, the wedding itself is another story...
I knew that weddings in Bandung is kinda funny, thus I didn't dress all out, just a shirt and some khakis. The women were all decked out of course, but a lot of the men were just dressed in polo shirts, jeans and sandals.
The couple barely made it onto the podium and started their thank you speech when I heard some rumblings behind me. Apparently the other guests decided they were not gonna wait any longer before they start attacking the wedding buffet. They didn't even stop when it came to prayers time... I thought I've seen some weddings in my lifetime, but this was indeed something else.
Not wanting to resort to physical violence to get food, we decided to bail the wedding all together. After congratulating Ben, we bolted for a restaurant and decided to have a nice calm dinner instead...

The End of Wednesday Night Fight Club

2008-09-01T21:44:00.000-07:00

The news came to me last week while I was still working in Sumatra. It seems like The Man has finally decided to keep us down, again...
It looks the management of Skyline Building has decided not to rent out the space for our dojo, and opt to look for other office type tenants.
Right now, the space is shared between Jakarta Japan Club, and other arts organization affiliated with it, such as Kendo, Iaido, Karate, Aikido and Taiko Drumming. Of course such kind of rental does not generate enough revenue considering the cheap fee we pay for the space.
At this moment, it looks like we may still have the space until the end of 2008, or March 2009 at the most. If no further development, we may loose our downtown training space.

The Bulk of it...

2008-08-28T03:07:00.000-07:00

Man, I think I am a bit too bulky right now.
I know that I like working out and enjoy the heavier weight challenge as well. It gives me focus and release when I am working out, but I also found that the harder I work out, the easier for me to lose fat... At least that's what I thought.
Now, my waistline is under control. However, I found myself bulking up in the chest and shoulders areas. Plus, my weight has crept up on me, AGAIN!!
I do not mind the shoulders, but I am naturally thick and wide and this bulk isn't helping at all.
The other day I tried on my suit and fits me fine except it's a bit tight in the chest area... and I need to wear that suit at least a couple of times in the next few months!! I need to tone it down and fast... I am confused now. Whether I should cut down on my protein intake, modify my work out or what!!
I don't think I over eat, maybe on weekends only... whatever it is I will come up with, I will have to come up with it soon!

Impending

2008-08-26T09:11:00.000-07:00

It's been a busy couple of weeks for me here... Working and preparing everything I could so that EvenStar would come back to Jakarta and enable me to visit her before she comes back. Apparently I underestimated myself and her friends... It looks like the EvenStar's resume is quite in demand here in Jakarta. I have to admit that it's not only due to my efforts, some of her friends helped quite a bit too, even more effectively than myself perhaps.
She's still out there studying for her final exams and making preparations for job interviews, etc... However somehow the excitement is missing for me...
Perhaps it's my fears and worries, perhaps it's my work, or perhaps distractions...
I know this is a long shot, even with friends and family's tremendous help... I don't know how far I can get here...

Damn The Humidity

2008-08-25T08:25:00.000-07:00

Mr. M was livid on Sunday's practice for some reasons. I don't know what the cause was, but it was surely enough for him to repeatedly disrupt our practice to criticize a few people, luckily I wasn't one of them. However another older sensei had to face embarasement by being publicly criticized by Mr. M... unfortunate incident it was, erhhm...
Practice was fine, although I have failed yet again to crack this riddle known to me as Mr. Kmura... Somehow I just couldn't read his rhytm, his timing, his kamae and his attacks!!
The wound on my left foot just kept re-opened... I am taking a week's worth of break from Kendo this week... I have some things to attend to in Bandung.

Goodbye Mr. Kikawa

2008-08-21T00:02:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Mr. Kikawa's final practice here in Jakarta. We don't know if he will be able to come back here to Jakarta after this term. I do hope that he does. You see, he is one of the first offensive oriented Kendo teacher that came to Jakarta a couple of years ago. Practicing with him has greatly helped me in developing my own offensive Kendo. Anticipating attacks while creating your own opportunity. In fact, it was because of practicing with him that I developed my own Kote-Men attack, to counter his close distance maai and Kote attacks.
Even though he had a leg cramp, he did astoundingly well. Fought more than 10 people and beat most of them. He will surely be missed...

Before the farewell shiais, I was able to practice with Mr. KKawa, Mr. Smura and Mr. Aono. Incorporating what I thought of the past few days, I think I was more comfortable with my own Kendo rather than trying forcing myself to do a more rigid style.
Although, I was having difficulties in trying to hit a Men attack against Mr. Smura, somehow his swing always could negate mine, thus grabbing away the point for himself. I think my center is off, especially when colliding with his strong attack.
While I think my friend God of Thunder doesn't as difficult time as myself. Perhaps due to his height and strength as well...

Out of My Element

2008-08-20T23:47:00.000-07:00

Here's what I've been thinking in the past few days...
You are your Kendo... Your Kendo reflects your own personality.
After my injury, I have been very tentative with my Kendo. I carefully try not to move too much, not to do anything too drastic or active, even during keiko or shiai. Paired with the advise that I got from my teachers that I should be focusing more on the mental aspect of my Kendo, my semme... With all these in mind, I've been trying to do focus on a more stationary Kendo, focusing on my mind instead of my movement. What I found was instead I haven't been able to 'flow' with my Kendo... I either waited too much or attack at the wrong time. I realize that I've been trying too hard to do Kendo that isn't me, out of my personality and out of my element...
This week, I started to train again. Focusing on leg strength and flexibility that will enable to me to move more fluidly and do the Kendo that I LIKE to do. While I am not a hyperactive person, nor I am the stoic and silent type either.
Without forgetting all the advises I've got from my senseis, rather than trying to do Kendo that isn't really me, I will instead try to incorporate them into my OWN Kendo... and let's see how this will turn out.

Over Training

2008-08-18T06:07:00.000-07:00

Land from Sumatra, rush to the bank to take care of some paperwork...
I was feeling so hungry that my stomach started to hurt a little bit. I managed to find some little eatery so I could I get some food into my system. After that, I was off to the gym...
I was surprisingly feeling pretty strong through out the weight session, I only relented in the end when I felt a bit of a leg cramp when I was running on the treadmill.
I think I have lost all the excess I gained when I wasn't feeling well and not working out. I did however felt the effect on the very next day when I was at Kendo practice.
My legs felt so heavy that I was barely able to move. Needless to say I did quite badly that day. Mr. M even laughed and said I need more practice. I also rip a piece of skin on my left foot during the practice. It was quite painful that I had to miss Sunday's practice due to that.
I had a chance to have dinner with Mr. SMura Saturday night. Aside from reporting the progress of the JKA, we also talked a bit about our Kendo stories. I mentioned him about my beginnings at University of Wisconsin, with Kiyota Sensei, Kimura and Steve... He thought that I was lucky to be able to have so many good teachers to start me off with my Kendo. Well, we both shared stories about Kendo and families mostly... It was a pretty interesting evening.
I feel a bit bad that I couldn't make it to practice the next day because of my foot.
Anyways, this wednesday is Mr. KKawa's last day in practice, I will make a point to go this time... and perhaps not work out so hard the day before.

Fork in the Road

2008-08-14T06:32:00.000-07:00

I was able to get back into things after a few outings and pretty soon was going out with even more attractive women compared to before. However, there was something amiss about all this. I found that I was going out in order to force myself to survive, to get over a failed relationship and to get me a new one. Having a few options didn't help the matter either, it actually confused me even more. Before long, going out and playing the field became a chore, a distraction and a burden for me.
I came to the realization that the Game may have brought me women, dates and fun... but it didn't brought me what I was and still looking for, which is love. It may sound cliche, but I have forgotten the reason why I started this whole thing before.

Long ago, I was always the one without the upper hand in a man - woman interaction. Often times, I was trapped in the dreaded 'friends zone' with a woman I am attracted. Like a chump I stayed in there, hoping for a change which I know now would have never come. I have experienced terrible things emotionally that I vowed never I would let myself be in that position again. After the Game, I was able to maintain control over my interactions and never caught myself stepping into the 'friends zone', however I felt there was something missing.
Everything became mechanic to me. I am confident enough to know that I can get a girl out and have a good chance for her to be interested in me, however I realize the 'feeling' has been missing. That true feeling for someone...

I know that letting go of the Game may open myself for another emotional pain, however perhaps the payoff may be worth it. After all, feeling something is better than not feeling at all...

Crossroads

2008-08-14T04:59:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to write this piece for the past week or so now, I just haven't figured out how to come up with the best format to express my thoughts.
Anyways, I guess I will have to go way back to the beginning...

You see, a friend of mine recommended me to the read The Game to better understand how to interact with women, a department I was lacking at. Although, I wouldn't say that the book changed my life, it did opened my eyes to many many things I was missing before. I studied up some more, read materials and discussed the contents and applications to some of my friend, Master Djedi and Mrs. Chickpea to name some...
I learned and studied and was feeling very excited and apprehensive at the same time, I just couldn't believe that these crazy theories and practices could somehow better my chances with women. Tried them out I did, practiced I did, did it work? Surprisingly, yes...
Even though I didn't use every detail or pick up lines mentioned in the book or the other materials, I was able to deduct the basic content of it. Basically, by improving your inner balance, you will somehow create an 'aura' of attraction from yourself and this 'aura' can subconsciously be projected to others. Of course, after that comes the conversational skills, body language and mind tactics that follows as well.
I practiced this on every girl I met and went out with... Counting to this day, I think I have went out with around 30 women in the past 2 years and have had a pretty good success rate. You see, I don't go out with so many women to get off from the fact that I got a lot of girlfriends nor do I get any psychological satisfaction from seducing women in general. I was practicing so that when the One showed up, I'd be ready... Well, the result was I found myself a girlfriend that I really like, but we all know that story ended.
After the break up, I was in full swing mode again with my Game. I was eager to bounce back and get myself back in the Game again. This time, what I found was different...

Missing Comrade

2008-08-13T00:54:00.000-07:00

You know...
Dark Knight and Jive Tongue has been out of Kendo for a while now both due to their respective jobs requirements. I miss practicing and talking Kendo with Dark Knight, I think practicing or fighting him can somehow bring out my best Kendo. I also miss talking about Kendo, even though our fighting styles were completely different, I think we share the same passion and goal for our Kendo.
I do hope he comes back to practice soon...

Re-Energized

2008-08-13T00:28:00.000-07:00

Related to the my determination to keep things rolling in my life, I seem to have found new life in my Kendo as well. Even Mr. SMura was pleasantly surprised with the level of energy I brought with me during Saturday's keiko at Skyline dojo. I don't think I am 'there' just yet, but if I can keep this energy level up, I should be able to progress each week. I just need to keep this positive calm and attitude within myself.
The organizational work for the JKA has also picked up a bit in the past week. We've been trying to organize the members of the dojo, for the purpose of data base, equipment supply, maintenance and event organizing. It has generated quite a good deal of interest amongst the members, thanks to our staff...

High Definition

2008-08-07T20:08:00.000-07:00

So, I saved up enough money to splurge once more, heh heh heh...
I bought myself a High Definition LCD TV and home theater system for my room. It is something I have always wanted, since I never had a TV in my own room before.
I was a bit worried when the analog connection to the TV started showing some spots after a few minutes of DVD, then I decided to splurge some more to get myself an HDMI line... Let me tell ya folks... that's the way to go!!
HDMI graphics and DTS sound in your room... I don't think I'm gonna leave my room this weekend!!!

End of an Era

2008-08-07T20:02:00.000-07:00

I can't believe the Packers decided to trade away Brett Favre!!
I am just gonna vent here...
Brett Favre is the only reason that the Packers has any standing at all in the NFL! He took them to the Superbowl twice! The playoffs numerous times!! Established Green Bay as one of the contenders ever since he stepped on the field in his number 4 green and gold jersey!! They traded him away? For whom? Who the hell is this Aaron Rodgers anyways!! Anyways, hoping and anticipating Brett can make something out of the Pack each year is the only reason I watch and follow the NFL these days, with him gone... there's no more reason for me to watch. Sure he may end up in Meadow Lands or Tampa, it ain't the same...
On the other hand though...
Brett is OLD, as strong and in shape as he is, we don't know how many more years he has in that arm. The franchise has to move, if I were the GM I'd probably do the same thing. Especially since Brett has been indecisive in regards to his retirement and future. Anyways, I think the Packers are going down the long road to obscurity here...

So long Brett, it's been a pleasure watching you all these years...

An Unwritten Letter

2008-08-04T09:09:00.000-07:00

Hopefully I will be able to say these to you in person someday, and hopefully I won't choke when I'm doing it...
I felt that we had a connection going last winter when you were here. I thought that given the chance, perhaps we could have started something meaningful. The reason I didn't pursue anything at the time was because I didn't want you to be my rebound, plus you were leaving as well...
When I heard you was coming back this Fall, I was confused. Should I wait and perhaps act upon what we had the last time? Or should I just try to move on? October seems a like long ways and I don't think I can last that long without going crazy.
In fact went crazy I did, a couple of times actually. Like usual I bounced back though, and without realizing it, October is only a couple months away now.
I guess what I'm saying is, I have decided that I am going to risk it all again this time. No Game no nothing, just plain fool's hope and a plane ticket perhaps. I have decided to find out if you feel the same and if we can make something meaningful out of this.

Suspended Balance

2008-08-04T07:34:00.000-07:00

I have been feeling weak and listless for the past few weeks with no clear symptoms nor explanations. A chinese doctor told me that I was 'over heating' from eating too much meat or protein related product, it's kinda funny because I also remembered that I feel the weakest whenever I drank my protein shake.
Perhaps that was some truth in that, I drank her traditional rancid stuff and I am getting better...
However, I think the underlining cause is my mental health (metal health, heh heh, God Bless Kevin Dubrow) isn't what I thought it should be.
You see, I have been kinda rolling around in the past few weeks, maybe months... as if I am in auto cruise mode. I do my daily work, work out, kendo, going out, etc... Yet I have been doing all of them without any passion, without any conviction and most importantly without any direction. While I was trying to maintain my inner balance, I didn't realize that I was slipping.
Apparently this inner balance is a dynamic concept. Not only you need to maintain all the aspects of your life, such as work, exercise, fun, socializing, intellectuals, but you also have to keep them rolling. Constantly seek to improve, whether its an existing aspect or add another plate that you are spinning.
It took my friend Noodle King to give me a kick in my nutzak, figuratively of course, for me to realize this. He told me to shape up and do the things I wanted to do, get the things I wanted to get. Otherwise the flow will be interrupted and all the progress will be halted. He told me to get some new clothes because a lot of my clothes are too old or too big now, go get whatever I wanted and go where ever I think I want to go (we will come to this later on).
I also thought to myself that I need to start taking responsibilities in my life, my job, Kendo and not letting people who counted on me down.
Speaking of responsibilities, it suddenly dawned on me I need to take some responsibilities for my past as well, including my failed relationship. I started to think that perhaps it wasn't all Queen of Diamond's fault, perhaps I also had my faults. Well, what's done is done, it's all over now...

Up and Down and Here We Go...

2008-07-21T22:49:00.000-07:00

I had a chance to practive with Mr. KMura last Saturday at Skyline. He has just arrived in Jakarta a couple of weeks ago and I have not had too many chances to practice with him.. One thing I noticed right away is that his versatility and his liberty in his kamae position. He seems to have taken a lot of (more than most, at least) liberty in changing the position of his kamae, up and down... I have to say this confused me and made me susceptible to a few of his attacks. It took me a while to TRY to adapt to what was going on. You see, I think my kamae is pretty much straight forward, I don't try to do anything drastic for the fear of breaking my form and opening myself up for attacks. So, what I did instead was to readjust my maai, so that it will create some sort of distance and timing barrier, preventing Mr. KMura from having too much of his way with me... I was successful for a few times and failed for many more times. This is definitely a work in progress for me. I am a bit happy that I have the chance to work on this though...

Renewed Interest

2008-07-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

It was a happy moment when I saw BigBlackWilly back at practice. It has been at least 2-3 years since he moved to Bali for his job. I guess he's back now...
You know, I am actually quite surprised that from all the people of his generation, he's the one that (so far) to actually have a keen interest in Kendo and the desire to learn. He's a bit wild, but talented... A valuable asset comes tournament time. He's been out of Kendo for a while, he's a bit wild with his swinging and kiai, but given time he'll get it back, his speed, his spirit and that wild eye look grin on his face.
The clubbing I did on Friday took its tool for the whole weekend for me. I was sore all the way through, I think I didn't have enough rest or something... My shoulder was sore and worse of all, I think somehow I hurt my ankle on Sunday. I don't know what happened, I didn't sprain it, I didn't remember anything happening. All of a sudden, my left ankle locked up and it was painful for me to stand on. The idiot that I am, I kept on going. I took a short break and went back to keiko.
I went to the traditional healer this morning to got it fixed, it was painful but it was short and cheap. I have to lay off it for a couple days even though I don't really feel the pain no more. I hope that it's nothing serious, I really hate to get injured right now.